The Prince of Darkness is one of my sources, though, and I needed an update on Hell. I only summon Satan on Zoom. You have merely to draw a pentagram on your computer screen and place a couple clip-art candles on the corners. It’s much easier and less messy than using human ashes and the blood of unbaptized virgins to make a pentagram IRL.
“Are you still using Paint to draw that pentagram?” the Unholy One said when he appeared. “About time you got yourself a decent graphics program.”
Right. You seem a little testy today.
“I’m feeling a little pressure,” Lucifer admitted. “Limbaugh showed up yesterday, and me and my imps always want to put on the best show we can on for someone who really, really, really deserves to be here. Of course, everybody gets the traditional welcome from Hell’s marching band, which consists only of bagpipes and kazoos…”
“Oh, you can look forward to it. Then the imps pile on for that first ritual pitchforking. After that, some special touches for Rush. You remember his ‘AIDS Update’ segment where he played “Looking for Love in All the Wrong Places,’ while reading off the names of gay guys who had died of AIDS? Fucking classic Rush. Really hateful and maximumly insensitive. I nearly wept when I first tuned it in. I knew right then that some day I'd be shaking Limbaugh's hand down here. And then chopping it off at the wrist with a red-hot broadsword, of course.
"Well, some of those gay guys ended up here, natch, and they’re going to take Rush skinny-dipping in the Lake of Molten Iron right after lunch. You can’t take your Congressional Medal of Freedom to Hell with you, of course, which disappointed Rush, but we have the Doing Satan’s Work medal here. It weighs about sixty pounds because it’s made of pure uranium, and we keep it heated up to about the same temp as the inside of a nuclear reactor. And we plan to slap it on Rush’s bare chest every day, because nobody deserves it more!
“Then we take him to his cell…”
Cell--wait—people get to sleep in Hell?
“I said he gets a cell. I didn’t say he was going to get to sleep. We show him the bunk bed and let him know that his cellmate is going to be either Bill Cosby or OJ, whichever of them shows up first, and while he may be on the top bunk, he won’t be a top in any other sense here in Hell. That’s going to be part of Limbaugh’s eternal torment. That, and the fact that we’re going to give him the impression that he’s the only hetero white guy in Hell. He sees nothing but black, Mexican and gay souls alongside him when he’s going through his daily routine of burnings and eviscerations.”
But how long can you keep that up?
“At least until Trump gets here is what I figure.”