TRUMP: As the former owner of Miss Universe, the most popular beauty pageant in the history of the Universe, I’m—by the way, the ratings for that show have seriously slipped since I left it—I, um you couldn’t have found a better host for this show. Although I won’t be slipping backstage to see either of you change your clothes. How do you even get your pants off anyway, Abbott, sitting in that wheelchair?
ABBOTT: Good one, Mr. Ex-President, and I’m going to ignore any brutal stupidities like that one that slip out of your mouth because if you actually run for President again, I would love to be your Vice-President. It’s Ron that wants to run against you.
TRUMP: Only if he wants his ass kicked. (Glares at DeSantis, who merely looks smug) Get that smug look off your face, Governor!
DESANTIS: It’s the only facial expression I can make, Mr. President. But I can win this contest. Nobody else in this room has picked a fight with Mickey Mouse.
ABBOTT: Sure, brawling with your state’s biggest employer is a huge prick move. But what about me? I let Texans die in the cold last year and then took campaign money from the people that froze ‘em out. Just last week I practically closed the border to truck traffic. Millions of bucks’ worth of vegetables rotted in the sun, so I could grandstand about drug smuggling. People were forced to make their Easter guacamole out of lawn clippings on account of me.
DESANTIS: Nice try, Tex, but you ain’t gonna win this contest any quicker than you can do a jumping jack. What about when I pushed that bill allowing white people to sue their kids’ teachers if they even mention slavery? I even claimed Martin Luther King would have loved the legislation, if he was still alive today. That’s how to max out in the insufferability field, amateur.
ABBOTT: Anybody ever tell you you look like a lizard? But in the arena of courting the racist vote, you come in second place every time. Aren’t I the one that dispatched the Texas National Guard to the border to sit there uselessly? These are people that have full-time jobs elsewhere, but I sent ‘em down to El Paso to watch the dust blow, just to garner the votes who are pissed off because the smiley faces are bilingual at their Walmart. And it’s me that’s sending busloads of brown people to DC, pretending that they’re illegal aliens when they’re actually asylum seekers. That gives me huge cred with the church and guns crowd.
DESANTIS: And didn’t I play along with that, by warning those people not to come to Florida? “Life will not be easy for you,” were my exact words. They can interpret that any way they want. Lynched? Shot at? Eaten by gators? Shipped to Guantanamo? Vague threats always hit the rat-bastard bullseye, loser. Ask the Godfather, if you don't believe me.
TRUMP: They’re gonna go through some things. That was my favorite. Don’t let me catch either of you guys using that.
DESANTIS: Hey, what did Dr. Oz say about your heart, anyway? I heard your cholesterol was higher than Elon Musk.
ABBOTT: Don’t worry about it, sir. When I’m your Vice-President, the country will be run by a pathetically cruel, self-important jerk, no matter what happens to your ticker.
TRUMP: You? You think I’m spending my second term pushing you up the ramp on Air Force Two? Haw!
A fracas breaks out onstage. DeSantis and Abbott are fighting over the brakes on the Texas governor’s wheelchair, which DeSantis wants to release so he can push Abbott off into the audience. Trump takes advantage of the distraction by giving both governors wet willies. The Secret Service rushes in when DeSantis threatens to break Trump’s finger.
OFFSTAGE ANNOUNCER: Don’t forget to mark your calendar for next week’s America’s Next Top A-hole, the Senatorial Round, with Ted Cruz facing off against Josh Hawley, Tom Cotton, Marsha Blackburn and dark horse threat Rick “Tax the poor!” Scott!