According to “prominent Christian numerologist” David Meade, the moment of the Rapture has been determined, and it is…TODAY!
Yes, even as you read these sinful words, your Christian neighbors are getting Hoovered into Heaven and competing with the souls of aborted fetuses for the embrace of Jesus Christ!
You’re really hating this, because you’ve been stuck in the house for a month and you’ve been just daydreaming about going to a Mexican restaurant again, but your believer friends are getting out of quarantine and heading straight for eternal glory, which beats that basket of fresh, piping hot tortilla chips with salsa fresca your mouth’s been watering for like a gong! You could have read a little more Bible and watched a little less porn and you’d be on your way to the Pearlies, too, but too late now.
Maybe you’re thinking “Who is this guy David Meade and what’s a Christian numerologist anyway?” I’d say, ask him, but he was probably the first guy Raptured since he was clued in on it by his prophecy. He was likely Raptured fully dressed in a tasteful, understated business suit because he knew it was coming, whereas many worthy souls are getting raptured in their bathrobes and underwear, because that’s all they’ve been wearing for the last four weeks.
To answer your question, however, a Christian numerologist is the same as any other numerologist, except that Christian numerologists don’t use certain numbers when they’re numerologying, like 666, which is the number of the Beast. Or 69, which is the number of oral sex, or 44, which is the number of Barack Obama.
This is Meade’s prediction: During this time frame, on April 23, 2018 the moon appears under the feet of the Constellation Virgo.
The Sun appears to precisely clothe Virgo… Jupiter is birthed on April 08, 2018.
The 12 stars at that date include the nine stars of Leo, and the three planetary alignments of Mercury, Venus and Mars – which combine to make a count of 12 stars on the head of Virgo.
Thus the constellations Virgo, Leo and Serpens-Ophiuchus represent a unique once-in-a-century sign exactly as depicted in the 12th chapter of Revelation. This is our time marker.
“Hmm,” you might be thinking. “That sounds more like astrology, instead of numerology, which makes it all the more convincing. I’d better go feed my Christian neighbor’s cat, since she has no doubt been slurped up into eternal life. My neighbor, not her cat, that is.”
Also—Nibiru! The Death Planet will finally show, causing earthquakes and volcanoes, because that’s what Nibiru does.
“Wait a second,” you might say. “Nibiru? First numerology, then astrology, then the doom planet Nibiru? Kind of sounds like Meade’s throwing everything he can think of into some kind of apocalyptic gumbo.”
Whatever. I mean, I know I’m not getting Raptured, because I’m a pretty bad Christian. And the girl is not going to get Raptured, because she’s such a bad Christian she’s a Jew. But there are several reverent older women on our corner of the block I have not seen yet today. Now, maybe it’s because it’s only eight AM and I haven’t left the house yet, but on the other hand, the Rapture is NOW.
I’m buying cat food.
Yes, even as you read these sinful words, your Christian neighbors are getting Hoovered into Heaven and competing with the souls of aborted fetuses for the embrace of Jesus Christ!
You’re really hating this, because you’ve been stuck in the house for a month and you’ve been just daydreaming about going to a Mexican restaurant again, but your believer friends are getting out of quarantine and heading straight for eternal glory, which beats that basket of fresh, piping hot tortilla chips with salsa fresca your mouth’s been watering for like a gong! You could have read a little more Bible and watched a little less porn and you’d be on your way to the Pearlies, too, but too late now.
Maybe you’re thinking “Who is this guy David Meade and what’s a Christian numerologist anyway?” I’d say, ask him, but he was probably the first guy Raptured since he was clued in on it by his prophecy. He was likely Raptured fully dressed in a tasteful, understated business suit because he knew it was coming, whereas many worthy souls are getting raptured in their bathrobes and underwear, because that’s all they’ve been wearing for the last four weeks.
To answer your question, however, a Christian numerologist is the same as any other numerologist, except that Christian numerologists don’t use certain numbers when they’re numerologying, like 666, which is the number of the Beast. Or 69, which is the number of oral sex, or 44, which is the number of Barack Obama.
This is Meade’s prediction: During this time frame, on April 23, 2018 the moon appears under the feet of the Constellation Virgo.
The Sun appears to precisely clothe Virgo… Jupiter is birthed on April 08, 2018.
The 12 stars at that date include the nine stars of Leo, and the three planetary alignments of Mercury, Venus and Mars – which combine to make a count of 12 stars on the head of Virgo.
Thus the constellations Virgo, Leo and Serpens-Ophiuchus represent a unique once-in-a-century sign exactly as depicted in the 12th chapter of Revelation. This is our time marker.
“Hmm,” you might be thinking. “That sounds more like astrology, instead of numerology, which makes it all the more convincing. I’d better go feed my Christian neighbor’s cat, since she has no doubt been slurped up into eternal life. My neighbor, not her cat, that is.”
Also—Nibiru! The Death Planet will finally show, causing earthquakes and volcanoes, because that’s what Nibiru does.
“Wait a second,” you might say. “Nibiru? First numerology, then astrology, then the doom planet Nibiru? Kind of sounds like Meade’s throwing everything he can think of into some kind of apocalyptic gumbo.”
Whatever. I mean, I know I’m not getting Raptured, because I’m a pretty bad Christian. And the girl is not going to get Raptured, because she’s such a bad Christian she’s a Jew. But there are several reverent older women on our corner of the block I have not seen yet today. Now, maybe it’s because it’s only eight AM and I haven’t left the house yet, but on the other hand, the Rapture is NOW.
I’m buying cat food.
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