This time, though, Jesus has a good excuse for not returning in glory to judge the living and the dead—he was busy forgiving the Christian congressperson from Colorado, Lauren Boebert, for getting “eccentric,” (her word—it’s okay if you read “drunk,” instead) at a musical in Denver.
Boebert, an avowed Christian, advocate of family values and merging church and state, was videoed vaping, singing, groping with her date and giving security the finger as she was tossed out of the theatre on her Freedom Caucus tushie.
That’s a lot of Commandments to break before intermission, and then she pretty well fractured the Eighth when she tried denying it all, before being shown the videotape.
But, according to standard Christian theology, she can be forgiven if she asks for forgiveness, and when she did, Jesus had to strap on his best forgiving sandals to get the job done. “Me Christ,” he muttered. “Push back the Rapture again. This job is going to run through the weekend.”
Jesus’s main squeeze, Mary Magdalene, and his side chick, Joan of Arc, were already mad at Christ’s plans to incept the Apocalypse Saturday or Sunday, depending on what time zone the quivering sinners he was going to condemn to Hell lived in, since both had plans for His Body, as they usually did over the celestial weekend. His plan to spend it forgiving Lauren Boebert instead, and ruin some future weekend fun with a dreary old Final Day then, had both of them boiling over.
“What can I say?” Jesus told them. “She fucked a Democrat. You just can’t snap your fingers at that. Forgiving a loathsomely horny hypocrite who bleats about following Me is something I have to work myself up to. It’s not like forgiving masturbation, which I already have to do a couple times a day, in her case.”
“I still don’t see why it has to take the whole weekend,” Mary Magdalene said, bitterly.
“Being the Redeemer of the World is a job, you know. With great power comes great responsibility.”
“THAT’S SPIDERMAN! NOT YOU!”
“Yes, but I like it. I often wished I’d added that to the Sermon on the Mount, instead of leaving it for Marvel to snatch up. Now, run along. You can always go to Hell and watch Satan’s imps eviscerate Pat Robertson, like they do every day. You know you like that, and it helps work some of your anger out.”
So, Jesus is still forgiving Lauren Boebert while this is getting typed. That’s why we didn’t have the Rapture yesterday.
Lauren is going to be cool with Christ by Sunday. Whether she is going to be cool with her voters remains to be seen.