Cancel all newspaper and magazine subscriptions. I know, I know, nobody reads those things anymore. You wouldn't even know the Rapture was bustin' out all over if it weren't for the Internet, but there may be a few of you who still get the news off dead trees. It's going to be tough enough for those Left Behind having to watch their neighborhoods being consumed by the eternal fires of Hell without them having to pick up your newspapers every day, so take care of this now.
Let your neighbors know you're going to be out of town for all eternity. This is a tough one. You may have grown fond of some of these people, even though they may be atheist or gay or both, and thus condemned to be tormented forever by Satan's minions. They may be resentful that you are going to be wafted aloft by the mighty blow-dryer of the Lord while they have to stick around for the End Times. Be gentle with their doomed souls. Tell them that while they are inevitably fated for everlasting torment, according to all the available literature, the Apocalypse is going to be a real E-ticket!
Please remember to kennel your pets with unbelievers. While your beloved Fido may have always stayed at the Rock of Ages Pet-cation Camp, and enjoyed the companionship of his fellow Christian dogs, it's time to look into St. David's Doggie Day Care, or even Goldberg's Dog Dayz, (if you're worried about the slim chance that a few of the Catholics will make the eternal final cut).While enjoying infinite bliss after being sucked into the hereafter by the siphon hose of God's mercy, you don't want to worry about your beloved pet wandering the barren landscape of Armageddon because your dog-sitter was Raptured, too.
Lock and close all doors and windows, unplug small appliances and turn off outside faucets. "Hey," you may say. "My home is going to get foofed away by the blowtorch of the Almighty's wrath anyway. Why bother?" Even though the end is inevitable, there's no sense leaving the place a real mess. As your non-redeemed neighbors while away their few remaining moments before the Anti-Christ claims their shriveled souls, the last thing you want them doing is borrowing any of your tools and never returning them. Also, there's bound to a H**l of a power surge when God sticks this earthly abode into the trash compactor of His divine fury, so make sure you back up any important files on your hard drive.
That's it! We'll all be singing hosannas in the hereafter in just a few days, munching on buckets of manna while we watch everybody who made fun of us get thrown into the fiery pit live on heavenly flat-screen TV's. All of eternity is going to be great, but there's no doubt watching sinners get consumed by hellfire is going to be the best part so yeah, we'll be able to Tivo it.
Have a safe Rapture!