Another mysterious, Space-Odessey looking monolith has popped up in Colorado, the third in that state alone. People are tramping out to see it over the rocks and rattlesnakes of that state, in order to feel the power and aura of the aliens that they think may have welded it to a hilltop there.
They assume that an advanced civilization, having journeyed countless miles (or kilometers, if they are not American aliens) and spotted our blue globe floating in the firmament, would think to themselves, “Nice spot, but let’s put a few shiny rectangles that are barely visible from low orbit in a couple of random spots in the mountains before we put it on the market.”
There are people that believe that only advanced aliens are capable of strange shit like monolithing the Earth, ignoring the fact that if there’s one thing humans have proven themselves adept at since our ancestors dropped out of the trees, it’s doing strange shit.
The latest Colorado monolithic caper can’t even be called mysterious—it’s within hiking distance of a café that promptly started selling drinks it called “Beam Me up,” and “Cow Abduction.” Welding a couple sheet of aluminum together is cheaper than renting a billboard. You don’t have to be an advanced alien from Alpha Centauri to figure that out.
A valuable clue to the mystery could be--what’s inside the monoliths? Most reporting on the monoliths coyly avoids mention anything at all, so the conclusion here is nada. Zip. They’re hollow. If the structures were alien, you would expect them to be filled with fiendishly advanced technology, capable of monitoring every thought and impulse of all the human beings on the planet, like God or Zuckerberg. Or it would be filled with squishy, watermelon-sized eggs that pop open, revealing alien larvae that start to suck out the brains of any humans nearby, and, no matter how many coffee drinks you have consumed at the Death Ray Café, you are not immune from being turned into a zombie controlled by malign, mentally all-powerful but physically unattractive aliens.
Yeah. If they’re so advanced, why haven’t they discovered body-sculpting yet?
But, as long as we’re on the subject of zombies, Republicans got into the monolith act, by toppling one in California. This monolith was admittedly a copycat rectangle, put up by a California man as a joke. It was promptly attacked by Trumpsters, who filmed themselves doing it:
A group of young men who apparently drove five hours to San Luis Obispo County livestreamed themselves destroying the monolith on the blockchain site DLive. Dressed in camo gear, night-vision goggles, and Trump paraphernalia, the group chanted “America First” and “Christ is king” as they rocked the monolith back and forth.
“Christ is king in this country. We don’t want illegal aliens from Mexico or outer space,” a man in the video says. “So let’s tear this bitch down.”
This wanton destruction of a satirical object was obviously meant as satire itself, although it is right-wing satire, the point of which always seems to be that racism is still funny, dammit, so start laughing.
It’s still enough to make you think. What if Trump is President again when advanced beings from elsewhere in the galaxy contact us? This would be the most monumental occurrence in the history of humankind. Should Trump be in charge if it happens? What if the aliens weren’t his obvious supporters? Would he call them rapists? Would he try to build a Space Wall? Would he accuse them of “poisoning our blood?”
Of course, they might actually be here to poison our blood, so there’s that. But when an event that affects all humans everywhere happens, possibly you don’t want the guy who botched Covid in charge of it. Probably you won’t be able to kill the aliens with bleach. If they walked or talked funny, would Trump be able to resist mocking them at press conferences? I currently don’t know who’s head of NASA, but you wouldn’t want to be that if the aliens started to be an inconvenience to Trump. You can count on him or her getting to be a public enemy like Fauci did. If Trump perceived the aliens as anti-him, would he call them sick puppies, slimebags or birdbrains? Communists? Even RINOS?
Even if they were only vaguely slimy or birdlike or communistic, the aliens could take offense and, unlike Trump’s current bumper crop of opponents, they’d have more than Twitter accounts to fire back at him with. They’d have dark-matter planet busters and triple-ion extinction rays.
We can only hope that they turn Trump into a limp of radioactive slag on live TV before they immolate the Earth. At least then the rest of us would have a few microseconds to enjoy a world without Trump before the solar system was reduced to seven planets.
Might be worth it.
They assume that an advanced civilization, having journeyed countless miles (or kilometers, if they are not American aliens) and spotted our blue globe floating in the firmament, would think to themselves, “Nice spot, but let’s put a few shiny rectangles that are barely visible from low orbit in a couple of random spots in the mountains before we put it on the market.”
There are people that believe that only advanced aliens are capable of strange shit like monolithing the Earth, ignoring the fact that if there’s one thing humans have proven themselves adept at since our ancestors dropped out of the trees, it’s doing strange shit.
The latest Colorado monolithic caper can’t even be called mysterious—it’s within hiking distance of a café that promptly started selling drinks it called “Beam Me up,” and “Cow Abduction.” Welding a couple sheet of aluminum together is cheaper than renting a billboard. You don’t have to be an advanced alien from Alpha Centauri to figure that out.
A valuable clue to the mystery could be--what’s inside the monoliths? Most reporting on the monoliths coyly avoids mention anything at all, so the conclusion here is nada. Zip. They’re hollow. If the structures were alien, you would expect them to be filled with fiendishly advanced technology, capable of monitoring every thought and impulse of all the human beings on the planet, like God or Zuckerberg. Or it would be filled with squishy, watermelon-sized eggs that pop open, revealing alien larvae that start to suck out the brains of any humans nearby, and, no matter how many coffee drinks you have consumed at the Death Ray Café, you are not immune from being turned into a zombie controlled by malign, mentally all-powerful but physically unattractive aliens.
Yeah. If they’re so advanced, why haven’t they discovered body-sculpting yet?
But, as long as we’re on the subject of zombies, Republicans got into the monolith act, by toppling one in California. This monolith was admittedly a copycat rectangle, put up by a California man as a joke. It was promptly attacked by Trumpsters, who filmed themselves doing it:
A group of young men who apparently drove five hours to San Luis Obispo County livestreamed themselves destroying the monolith on the blockchain site DLive. Dressed in camo gear, night-vision goggles, and Trump paraphernalia, the group chanted “America First” and “Christ is king” as they rocked the monolith back and forth.
“Christ is king in this country. We don’t want illegal aliens from Mexico or outer space,” a man in the video says. “So let’s tear this bitch down.”
This wanton destruction of a satirical object was obviously meant as satire itself, although it is right-wing satire, the point of which always seems to be that racism is still funny, dammit, so start laughing.
It’s still enough to make you think. What if Trump is President again when advanced beings from elsewhere in the galaxy contact us? This would be the most monumental occurrence in the history of humankind. Should Trump be in charge if it happens? What if the aliens weren’t his obvious supporters? Would he call them rapists? Would he try to build a Space Wall? Would he accuse them of “poisoning our blood?”
Of course, they might actually be here to poison our blood, so there’s that. But when an event that affects all humans everywhere happens, possibly you don’t want the guy who botched Covid in charge of it. Probably you won’t be able to kill the aliens with bleach. If they walked or talked funny, would Trump be able to resist mocking them at press conferences? I currently don’t know who’s head of NASA, but you wouldn’t want to be that if the aliens started to be an inconvenience to Trump. You can count on him or her getting to be a public enemy like Fauci did. If Trump perceived the aliens as anti-him, would he call them sick puppies, slimebags or birdbrains? Communists? Even RINOS?
Even if they were only vaguely slimy or birdlike or communistic, the aliens could take offense and, unlike Trump’s current bumper crop of opponents, they’d have more than Twitter accounts to fire back at him with. They’d have dark-matter planet busters and triple-ion extinction rays.
We can only hope that they turn Trump into a limp of radioactive slag on live TV before they immolate the Earth. At least then the rest of us would have a few microseconds to enjoy a world without Trump before the solar system was reduced to seven planets.
Might be worth it.
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