My new screensaver We* are barely getting this column written today because of the volume of material we had to absorb upon our discovery of raptureready.com, a website devoted to calculating the probability of the Rapture happening soon. Which it thinks is real soon. Next weekend is not out of the question.
At the top of every page in Rapture Ready is emblazoned “Behold, I come quickly,” which sounds like a line from a cheesy porn clip but which actually comes from the Bible, and is purported to have been said by one Jesus Christ (possible middle initial H) 2,000 years ago.
Now, 2,000 years is not quickly in any sense but the geological one. If you have to wait fifteen minutes for a ride from Lyft in this modern age, you start to get a touch browned off. Just relax. A few minutes on Rapture Ready is enough to convince anyone that is that the Rapture will be more complicated than Lyft.
Rapture Ready calculates that the current Rapture index is 185, which wouldn't be shit for the Dow Jones, but the RI has never been higher, indicating that the faithful could at any minute be Hooverized into Heaven by the humming suction of God’s love.
How is the RI figured out with such mathematical precision? There are forty-five separate categories, last updated as of October 16th, which, added together, form the Index. There are obvious ones, like Israel, Volcanoes, False Christs, and the Mark of the Beast, but there are also ones the average person would never think had Apocalyptic significance, like the interest and unemployment rates. I am not sure whether Jesus would prefer to return to a world of full employment or not, but it’s possible. They had full employment back in His day, because then they had slavery, the old-school way to keep the workforce topped off.
There are pages of FAQ’s. Some of them possibly are not so frequently asked, like, Is God still making angels today? (Answer: No) Others are questions that might occur to anybody who was chilling with their End Times homies, like, Is the Pope the Antichrist? (Probably not, but he and the AC are going to be major, major bros.)
There is The Mr. Antichrist Evil pageant, which provides low-resolution pics of the contenders for that crown, which include Bill Gates, Prince Charles, and Obama (natch).
There are links a-plenty, including Information for Those Left Behind, which all of you are going to need, because you probably will be Left Behind just for reading this, and Rapture Ready Wallpaper for your computer, so that if you are foofed aloft by God’s mercy while surfing the Net, your PC will provide your more sinful contemporaries a clue as to where you’ve gone. There’s also The Tribulation Hour, which sounds like a cozy little podcast about the end of all things.
And, sweet Mother of God, there is an app. Yes, there is now an app for the end of the world. It’s here: http://raptureplanb.com/
I’m downloading it now.
*Really, it’s only me that writes this stuff. Sometimes I’m just a sucker for the editorial "we."
At the top of every page in Rapture Ready is emblazoned “Behold, I come quickly,” which sounds like a line from a cheesy porn clip but which actually comes from the Bible, and is purported to have been said by one Jesus Christ (possible middle initial H) 2,000 years ago.
Now, 2,000 years is not quickly in any sense but the geological one. If you have to wait fifteen minutes for a ride from Lyft in this modern age, you start to get a touch browned off. Just relax. A few minutes on Rapture Ready is enough to convince anyone that is that the Rapture will be more complicated than Lyft.
Rapture Ready calculates that the current Rapture index is 185, which wouldn't be shit for the Dow Jones, but the RI has never been higher, indicating that the faithful could at any minute be Hooverized into Heaven by the humming suction of God’s love.
How is the RI figured out with such mathematical precision? There are forty-five separate categories, last updated as of October 16th, which, added together, form the Index. There are obvious ones, like Israel, Volcanoes, False Christs, and the Mark of the Beast, but there are also ones the average person would never think had Apocalyptic significance, like the interest and unemployment rates. I am not sure whether Jesus would prefer to return to a world of full employment or not, but it’s possible. They had full employment back in His day, because then they had slavery, the old-school way to keep the workforce topped off.
There are pages of FAQ’s. Some of them possibly are not so frequently asked, like, Is God still making angels today? (Answer: No) Others are questions that might occur to anybody who was chilling with their End Times homies, like, Is the Pope the Antichrist? (Probably not, but he and the AC are going to be major, major bros.)
There is The Mr. Antichrist Evil pageant, which provides low-resolution pics of the contenders for that crown, which include Bill Gates, Prince Charles, and Obama (natch).
There are links a-plenty, including Information for Those Left Behind, which all of you are going to need, because you probably will be Left Behind just for reading this, and Rapture Ready Wallpaper for your computer, so that if you are foofed aloft by God’s mercy while surfing the Net, your PC will provide your more sinful contemporaries a clue as to where you’ve gone. There’s also The Tribulation Hour, which sounds like a cozy little podcast about the end of all things.
And, sweet Mother of God, there is an app. Yes, there is now an app for the end of the world. It’s here: http://raptureplanb.com/
I’m downloading it now.
*Really, it’s only me that writes this stuff. Sometimes I’m just a sucker for the editorial "we."
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