The White House reported today that president Trump was pleased to find out that one of the reasons evangelical Christians continue to support him was that they thought he was capable of bringing on the Apocalypse.
Evangelicals compare him favorably to the Biblical king Cyrus, the ruler of a vast Middle Eastern empire, who despite being a “bad” person, did good things, like releasing the Jews from slavery and letting them return to Jerusalem. Of course, the reason the writers of the Bible regarded Cyrus as “bad” was simple—he was not Jewish.
Other “bad” qualities Cyrus may have possessed, such as being an autocrat and having a crapload of slave concubines, were habits he shared with Jewish kings and so above criticism in the Bible. They are habits he also shares with Trump, although to be sure, Cyrus never had to pay off any of his concubines to the tune of a hundred-thirty large. He merely had to quit feeding them, or throw them into a pit of vipers, or whatever.
On the other hand, Cyrus ruled his empire before money laundering, golf, or Russia had been invented, and might well be jealous of the Trump empire, which, unlike the Mesopotamian one, did not invent written language and beer, but did found Trump University and sell Trump vodka.
These eerie parallels are enough for the evangelical set. The White House has responded. Spokesperson Sarah Huckabee Sanders released a short statement on the subject but did not take questions from the press.
“The Trump Armageddon will be one like no other. It will the end of the world after which people will say, ‘I can’t believe Trump made it that spectacular, but I should have known, because everything he does is unique and fantastic.’ The Antichrist will not slouch towards Bethlehem, but instead appear first on Fox and Friends, in the kind of ratings dazzler people expect from Trump. The moon, far from turning into blood, will be tastefully enhanced by the newly formed Space Force jetting up there, sanding all those craters down and painting ‘TRUMP’ in gold on its surface. The Time of Tribulation will be marked by the destruction of NAFTA, NATO and Mueller. The best beauty pageant of all time will be promoted by the President, with the winner to be named Miss Whore of Babylon.
"Then Jesus will return at the new American Embassy in Jerusalem and admire its décor before judging the living and the dead, which will be done by upvote/downvote on live TV, which will be co-hosted by the President and is bound to have the highest Nielsen's since the season finale of The Apprentice. Not the version that that loser Schwarzenegger hosted. The real Apprentice.
“Souvenir hats and T-shirts will be available on the campaign website and remember, MAGA can also stand for Make Armageddon Great Again, so don’t be surprised if the hats haven’t changed much."
Evangelicals compare him favorably to the Biblical king Cyrus, the ruler of a vast Middle Eastern empire, who despite being a “bad” person, did good things, like releasing the Jews from slavery and letting them return to Jerusalem. Of course, the reason the writers of the Bible regarded Cyrus as “bad” was simple—he was not Jewish.
Other “bad” qualities Cyrus may have possessed, such as being an autocrat and having a crapload of slave concubines, were habits he shared with Jewish kings and so above criticism in the Bible. They are habits he also shares with Trump, although to be sure, Cyrus never had to pay off any of his concubines to the tune of a hundred-thirty large. He merely had to quit feeding them, or throw them into a pit of vipers, or whatever.
On the other hand, Cyrus ruled his empire before money laundering, golf, or Russia had been invented, and might well be jealous of the Trump empire, which, unlike the Mesopotamian one, did not invent written language and beer, but did found Trump University and sell Trump vodka.
These eerie parallels are enough for the evangelical set. The White House has responded. Spokesperson Sarah Huckabee Sanders released a short statement on the subject but did not take questions from the press.
“The Trump Armageddon will be one like no other. It will the end of the world after which people will say, ‘I can’t believe Trump made it that spectacular, but I should have known, because everything he does is unique and fantastic.’ The Antichrist will not slouch towards Bethlehem, but instead appear first on Fox and Friends, in the kind of ratings dazzler people expect from Trump. The moon, far from turning into blood, will be tastefully enhanced by the newly formed Space Force jetting up there, sanding all those craters down and painting ‘TRUMP’ in gold on its surface. The Time of Tribulation will be marked by the destruction of NAFTA, NATO and Mueller. The best beauty pageant of all time will be promoted by the President, with the winner to be named Miss Whore of Babylon.
"Then Jesus will return at the new American Embassy in Jerusalem and admire its décor before judging the living and the dead, which will be done by upvote/downvote on live TV, which will be co-hosted by the President and is bound to have the highest Nielsen's since the season finale of The Apprentice. Not the version that that loser Schwarzenegger hosted. The real Apprentice.
“Souvenir hats and T-shirts will be available on the campaign website and remember, MAGA can also stand for Make Armageddon Great Again, so don’t be surprised if the hats haven’t changed much."
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