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Dollar Store Camouflage Jesus Says No Apocalypse Today

9/28/2017

6 Comments

 
Picture
Author's Note: This column was composed on the morning of the 23rd and was scheduled to be my Monday offering but, you know, Trump.

It is the morning of the scheduled Apocalypse, or possibly the Rapture, as I sit here, and so far, the doom planet Niburu has not appeared beyond the clouds to smush our earthly home to bits.

Nor has anyone been Raptured, as far as I know, but it is only 8 AM and I have not yet left the house. Possibly in other dwellings someone has awakened and found their spouse or children gone, slurped up into Heaven by the siphon-tube of God’s mercy, while they are left to endure the Final Days in sinful solitude, but not here. That’s no surprise, really—I am a rotten old bastard. I am even wearing my “Marinated in Sin” t-shirt just to make sure some archangel doesn’t come by and mistakenly swoop me into eternal bliss.

And my girl is not going anywhere, because she’s Jewish.

So I can’t be sure about the Rapture, but I suspect strongly it is not going on. Why? Because my personal religious icon, Dollar Store Camouflage Jesus, has not given me a sign that the End Times are upon us.

I came into possession of DSCJ by divine Providence—my son saw Him in a 99 Cent Only store in Vista, California, and was inspired to fork across a dollar of my money to make a present of Him to me. The icon currently rests on a shelf in my library, next to a bottle of rubber cement that I have never opened and a few mismatched cufflinks that I never use, watching over me like the holy hunk of plastic that He is.

And yes, I do have books in my library, but like any object in my home that offers a flat surface or two, its shelves are used for general storage as well as literature.

So far, DSCJ has not given me any sign that the last moments of our earthly abode are upon us. No tears have appeared to run down His tiny, olive-colored face. No stigmata are dripping blood from his hands, although He is wearing little weight-lifter gloves, so I guess they could be concealing a discharge from His wounds.

You heard me when I said “olive-colored.” Dollar Store Camouflage Jesus is not a Northern European, although He does have distinctly Caucasian hair. This compromise in His ancestry was no doubt due to the wisdom of His makers, although giving Him the correct skin tone was the only gesture they made to historical accuracy. Camouflage had not been invented when He walked the streets of Jerusalem, and neither had pants.

DSCJ wears knee pads, making those long sessions of prayer to His Father more comfortable, I expect. He carries a grenade and a canteen on His belt. The canteen can be filled with either water or wine, depending on His whim.

Some theologians tell me I shouldn’t depend on this icon to give me forewarning of the Apocalypse. DSCJ is too geared up and butch to start weeping like some wussie statue of the Virgin, End of Time or not, they say, and if I want to see some blood flowing, I’d better get me one of those relic chalices that have been fondled like they were altar boys by the saints, and mysteriously fill themselves with red liquid on Holy Days and long weekends.

But I persevere in my faith. If the Rapture does indeed come upon us, I expect I’ll get a sign. Maybe on that appointed day, I’ll come into my office and see Him kneeling on those kneepads, and know the time of Final Tribulation is upon us.
​
If that happens, I’ll let you know. In the meantime, don’t cash in your IRA.

6 Comments
Matt
9/28/2017 07:54:35 am

I presume DACJ is camoed for holy war not hunting ? I would guess if he had the need for a fresh kill to eat he could change the cat to a nice filet mignon -water to wine style

Reply
Rich
9/29/2017 07:31:05 am

I wouldn't presume anything about DSCJ. The ways of the Almighty are mysterious, but they don't hold a candle to the ways of DSCJ.

Reply
mistermuse
9/28/2017 08:45:08 am

Ricardo, maybe you should go back to that 99 Cent Only store to see if they have a Camouflage Trump you could put next to Camouflage Jesus. I'd like to see which would become King of the Shelf and which would become His disciple. Trump has greater delusions of grandeur, but even he may not be able to con Jesus.

Reply
Ricardo
9/29/2017 07:34:03 am

If I came across any small plastic Trump figures I doubt I would have the self-control not to burn them, smash them, or dress them in Barbie clothes, Sr. Muse.

Reply
Mark Scheel link
9/30/2017 02:11:19 pm

Richard,

Thank you for reminding me. My dearest Dee just got a "glow-in-the-dark" crucifix and woke me up last night at 2:00 AM wondering how to put batteries in it. Now, are you sure the DSCJ doesn't require batteries? Perhaps that's why we haven't been warned of the rapture? I have no neighbors who, dare I admit it, would be "taken up," and Dee is Catholic so it doesn't apply (they have their own route thru purgatory, etc.). So now I'm really worried and I won't sleep tonight either. Guess I'll go battery-up the crucifix.

Mark

Reply
Richard
9/30/2017 04:55:20 pm

DSCJ requires no batteries, friend Mark, although if He did, He would be one of the few household gadgets that I would remember to buy batteries for. I am sure Dee will make it past the pearly gates, whether her crucifix glows for her or not. Of course, since the Pope granted us all a free pass there, being an atheist is the easiest way to get into Heaven of all.

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