2019 has just started, and already we are awash in predictions of the world ending this year. At this outpost of literature, we are always excited about the end of the world, because we confidently look forward to enjoying it as much as everybody else does. The first three predictions that none of us will live to see 2020 are in, and we are happy to rank them in order of the date the world is predicted to end, the likelihood of that occurring and excitement level of the final whomping.
PREDICTION 1: Asteroid 2002 NT7, a hunk of rock discovered in 2002 and thought at first to be possibly on a collision course with Earth, really is on a collision course with Earth, as NASA lied when they said 17 years ago that the 2.6-mile-wide chunk of planetary debris wasn’t going to hit us after all. These conspiracy theorists think this real-life Death Star is going to plunge into our atmosphere on February 1st, wiping us out like a similar asteroid did the dinosaurs 63 million years ago.
SCHEDULED DOOMSDATE: February 1st.
EXCITEMENT LEVEL: Big time. Not as big time as the above artist’s conception of the event, where the offending asteroid seems to be considerably larger than 2.6 miles across, but still the equivalent of shooting all of humanity’s nuclear weapons at one spot on the planet. Fiery death for many plus plenty of fallout to choke the rest of us. Mile-high tsunamis if it lands in the ocean. A real crowd-pleaser.
LIKELIHOOD OF OCCURRING: Depends on how much you think NASA is in the habit of lying. If you believe that the exploration of space is one of the highest achievements of the human race, and are awed by pictures sent from Mars and Pluto and, most recently, a dumbbell-shaped rock called Ultima Thule, which is so far from Earth it takes radio waves six hours to get there, you are relatively confident of living to see another Groundhog Day. If, however, you think the moon landings were fake and the only reason for NASA’s existence is to conceal that the Earth is flat, you are probably nuclear-winterizing your basement right now.
PREDICTION 2: Jesus finally gets his shit together and returns.
SCHEDULED DOOMSDATE: Sometime in June.
EXCITEMENT LEVEL: Another pulse pounder. There’s nothing like seeing your Redeemer morph across the sky, sucking dead people out of their graves and sending them to Heaven or Hell, with the certain knowledge that your personal Judgement is on the clock. Moon dripping blood, Antichrist creating mayhem all worthy opening acts. A spiritual E-ticket.
LIKELIHOOD OF OCCURRING: Ronald Weinland, the predictor, also predicted the Return in 2011, 2012, and 2013. Having taken a five-year break from the prophesying game, he’s back. ‘Nuff said.
PREDICTION 3: The Greater Magellanic Cloud, a nearby galaxy, will collide with our Milky Way, possibly causing Earth to be captured by another star not nearly as convenient for us as our current Sun, or maybe we get smooshed by a stray planet, or just get flung out to freeze to death in the intergalactic void.
SCHEDULED DOOMSDATE: Two billion years from now.
EXCITEMENT LEVEL: Utter and complete snorefest. We will have long since crock-potted ourselves into extinction via global warming by the time 2 billion years is up. It’ll be someone else’s turn to be doomsdayed by then. It’s about five times the time needed for dinosaurs to evolve from microbes again, go extinct, turn into oil, and be succeeded by a non-human sentient species who will drill into their remains and burn enough of them to start up global warming anew. So, it could happen a couple of times in the next two billion years. It’s not us, but some advanced form of Space Monkeys that will have to fend off the Greater Magellanic Cloud.
LIKELIHOOD OF OCCURRING: 100%.
PREDICTION 1: Asteroid 2002 NT7, a hunk of rock discovered in 2002 and thought at first to be possibly on a collision course with Earth, really is on a collision course with Earth, as NASA lied when they said 17 years ago that the 2.6-mile-wide chunk of planetary debris wasn’t going to hit us after all. These conspiracy theorists think this real-life Death Star is going to plunge into our atmosphere on February 1st, wiping us out like a similar asteroid did the dinosaurs 63 million years ago.
SCHEDULED DOOMSDATE: February 1st.
EXCITEMENT LEVEL: Big time. Not as big time as the above artist’s conception of the event, where the offending asteroid seems to be considerably larger than 2.6 miles across, but still the equivalent of shooting all of humanity’s nuclear weapons at one spot on the planet. Fiery death for many plus plenty of fallout to choke the rest of us. Mile-high tsunamis if it lands in the ocean. A real crowd-pleaser.
LIKELIHOOD OF OCCURRING: Depends on how much you think NASA is in the habit of lying. If you believe that the exploration of space is one of the highest achievements of the human race, and are awed by pictures sent from Mars and Pluto and, most recently, a dumbbell-shaped rock called Ultima Thule, which is so far from Earth it takes radio waves six hours to get there, you are relatively confident of living to see another Groundhog Day. If, however, you think the moon landings were fake and the only reason for NASA’s existence is to conceal that the Earth is flat, you are probably nuclear-winterizing your basement right now.
PREDICTION 2: Jesus finally gets his shit together and returns.
SCHEDULED DOOMSDATE: Sometime in June.
EXCITEMENT LEVEL: Another pulse pounder. There’s nothing like seeing your Redeemer morph across the sky, sucking dead people out of their graves and sending them to Heaven or Hell, with the certain knowledge that your personal Judgement is on the clock. Moon dripping blood, Antichrist creating mayhem all worthy opening acts. A spiritual E-ticket.
LIKELIHOOD OF OCCURRING: Ronald Weinland, the predictor, also predicted the Return in 2011, 2012, and 2013. Having taken a five-year break from the prophesying game, he’s back. ‘Nuff said.
PREDICTION 3: The Greater Magellanic Cloud, a nearby galaxy, will collide with our Milky Way, possibly causing Earth to be captured by another star not nearly as convenient for us as our current Sun, or maybe we get smooshed by a stray planet, or just get flung out to freeze to death in the intergalactic void.
SCHEDULED DOOMSDATE: Two billion years from now.
EXCITEMENT LEVEL: Utter and complete snorefest. We will have long since crock-potted ourselves into extinction via global warming by the time 2 billion years is up. It’ll be someone else’s turn to be doomsdayed by then. It’s about five times the time needed for dinosaurs to evolve from microbes again, go extinct, turn into oil, and be succeeded by a non-human sentient species who will drill into their remains and burn enough of them to start up global warming anew. So, it could happen a couple of times in the next two billion years. It’s not us, but some advanced form of Space Monkeys that will have to fend off the Greater Magellanic Cloud.
LIKELIHOOD OF OCCURRING: 100%.
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