This time for sure The mysterious planet Niburu is coming back to squash the life off of Earth next week, so once again my advice is don’t buy season tickets to anything.
Niburu, which loosely translates as “a massive lump of bullshit in space,” was scheduled to demolish our planet in 2003, 2012 and 2015, and also earlier this year, but failed to show up. Who knows why? Possibly it got behind on its schedule of demolishing other planets. This could happen for any number of reasons, like other planets deserving demolishing more than us (I admit, this is highly unlikely). Possibly it left a tool it needed for the job back at the shop. This is what happened to the air-conditioning guy who was supposed to fix our AC on a hundred-degree day last week, so if it happened to cosmic wanderer like Niburu, we shouldn’t be surprised.
Anyway, the date’s been set—September 23rd. That is when Niburu will appear, bright, chipper and eager to get the job done, on our doorstep, and commence flattening us out of existence, according to author David Meade. Meade claims that everything on Earth will be destroyed, up to and including the unnecessary vowel at the end of his name. The event has been predicted by both the Bible and the Great Pyramid, according to Meade, who apparently found a date circled in Revelations that everyone else had missed, and also knows what “September 23, 2017,” looks like in hieroglyphics. He also gives the Pyramid builders credit for making a prediction based on a calendar that wouldn’t be invented for several thousands of years.
Naturally, the fake news media is publishing the anti-Niburu propaganda being pushed by people like astronomers and NASA, who claim Niburu doesn’t exist and no planetary collision will happen on the 23rd. If you're gullible enough to believe these scientist types, you could be having unpleasant thoughts like, hey, maybe the ancient prophets didn't know dick about the future.
In other words, they were just like us, only a more unwashed and unshaven and subject to a lot of old-school diseases that we're too modern to have.
It's easy for these for these astrophysicist characters to pooh-pooh Niburu, while they’re hiding behind their advanced degrees, whiteboards full of equations nobody but them will ever understand, and their telescopes, but if you're tempted to believe them, remember—these are the same people who think the Big Bang is something other than a popular TV comedy. Here's a gratuitous link to a lingerie pic of Kaley Cuoco to prove my point.
Not to mention they faked the moon landings.
We’ve had a good many Apocalypses lately, which this column strongly supports. The Blood Moons were supposed to presage the Second Coming, because they were visible from the USA, and the total eclipse was also supposed to prefigure the end of everything, also because it rolled across America. We Americans can be proud, because God obviously is giving us extra notice that He is coming soon to whomp the crap out of our planet, a sign of His love for our nation.
In fact, all of these heavenly portents crowding in on us leads me, as a thinker, to propose an axiom:
ANYTHING THAT HAPPENS IN THE FUCKING SKY IS A PRELUDE TO THE APOCALYPSE!
You can’t go wrong with that. Of course, Jesus appearing on top of the Great Pyramid holding the original stone tablets of the 10 Commandments, or even a copy of People magazine, would signal a trending Doomsday also.
But I wouldn’t count on that.
Niburu, which loosely translates as “a massive lump of bullshit in space,” was scheduled to demolish our planet in 2003, 2012 and 2015, and also earlier this year, but failed to show up. Who knows why? Possibly it got behind on its schedule of demolishing other planets. This could happen for any number of reasons, like other planets deserving demolishing more than us (I admit, this is highly unlikely). Possibly it left a tool it needed for the job back at the shop. This is what happened to the air-conditioning guy who was supposed to fix our AC on a hundred-degree day last week, so if it happened to cosmic wanderer like Niburu, we shouldn’t be surprised.
Anyway, the date’s been set—September 23rd. That is when Niburu will appear, bright, chipper and eager to get the job done, on our doorstep, and commence flattening us out of existence, according to author David Meade. Meade claims that everything on Earth will be destroyed, up to and including the unnecessary vowel at the end of his name. The event has been predicted by both the Bible and the Great Pyramid, according to Meade, who apparently found a date circled in Revelations that everyone else had missed, and also knows what “September 23, 2017,” looks like in hieroglyphics. He also gives the Pyramid builders credit for making a prediction based on a calendar that wouldn’t be invented for several thousands of years.
Naturally, the fake news media is publishing the anti-Niburu propaganda being pushed by people like astronomers and NASA, who claim Niburu doesn’t exist and no planetary collision will happen on the 23rd. If you're gullible enough to believe these scientist types, you could be having unpleasant thoughts like, hey, maybe the ancient prophets didn't know dick about the future.
In other words, they were just like us, only a more unwashed and unshaven and subject to a lot of old-school diseases that we're too modern to have.
It's easy for these for these astrophysicist characters to pooh-pooh Niburu, while they’re hiding behind their advanced degrees, whiteboards full of equations nobody but them will ever understand, and their telescopes, but if you're tempted to believe them, remember—these are the same people who think the Big Bang is something other than a popular TV comedy. Here's a gratuitous link to a lingerie pic of Kaley Cuoco to prove my point.
Not to mention they faked the moon landings.
We’ve had a good many Apocalypses lately, which this column strongly supports. The Blood Moons were supposed to presage the Second Coming, because they were visible from the USA, and the total eclipse was also supposed to prefigure the end of everything, also because it rolled across America. We Americans can be proud, because God obviously is giving us extra notice that He is coming soon to whomp the crap out of our planet, a sign of His love for our nation.
In fact, all of these heavenly portents crowding in on us leads me, as a thinker, to propose an axiom:
ANYTHING THAT HAPPENS IN THE FUCKING SKY IS A PRELUDE TO THE APOCALYPSE!
You can’t go wrong with that. Of course, Jesus appearing on top of the Great Pyramid holding the original stone tablets of the 10 Commandments, or even a copy of People magazine, would signal a trending Doomsday also.
But I wouldn’t count on that.
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