Chaos reigned in Washington, DC today immediately following the resignation of Donald Trump, which most observers thought was inevitable after geriatric screwup Rudy Giuliani accidentally posted the pee tapes to Instagram.
Trump’s resignation, delivered on Twitter, which consisted of two sentences, “I’m outta here. Thanks for the Emulomints,” was vague enough that no one even went looking for the Vice President for several hours. It was not until Air Force One was spotted on a straight path to Russian air space that anyone realized that Trump had skedaddled out of the highest office in the land, and when Supreme Court Chief Justice John Roberts went looking for Pence to swear him in as #46, the VP was nowhere to be found. Another crucial half hour passed before Pence’s Secret Service detail confessed shamefacedly that Pence had been Raptured right before their eyes.
“He suddenly sprouted a big set of angel wings and just flapped off towards Heaven,” one of the embarrassed agents said. “I know we’re supposed to take a bullet for the people we protect, but none of us were ready for this. I mean, one of the guys tried to grab him by the shoes, but he couldn’t hold on. All that’s left of Pence in this world is one size 10 1/2 wingtip.”
Defense Department officials confirmed that the Rapture had indeed taken place. “People are missing from all over the world, except in America. It seems that possibly the only person Raptured here was Pence, although both Nick Foles and Miley Cyrus can’t be found, either. Even the Vice President’s wife is busy at her day job, teaching art and homophobia to six-year-olds. Everyone else in the US was Left Behind because they were unworthy. We blame PornHub.”
Roberts, conscious of his constitutional duty, went straight away to the Capitol and swore in Pelosi as President. Pandemonium broke out in both parties, as the Republicans in the Senate tried to get a resolution passed declaring Pelosi the Antichrist. It failed because some of the Senators wanted to vote for Beto O’Rourke instead. Still others wanted Mitt Romney. “Hey, Mitt really wants to be something,” one of his backers explained. In the meantime, the Democrats went into full backstabbing mode over who was going to be the next Speaker of the House.
Pelosi proved to be a decisive leader, however. As her first act, she appealed to NATO to shoot down Air Force One before it could make it to Moscow. The Norwegian Air Force was more than happy to comply. “Fucking aye,” was their official response, and Trump’s plane was soon a debris field in the North Atlantic. Large numbers of state secrets, gold-plated urinals and bundles of cash were being recovered, along with multiple cheeseburgers, from the choppy waters off the Norwegian coast.
Pelosi will address the nation tonight. The title of her speech is said to be, “The End Times Will Be the Best Times, Thanks to the Democratic Party, And Also, I Need A New Plane.”
No other details are available as of this writing.
Trump’s resignation, delivered on Twitter, which consisted of two sentences, “I’m outta here. Thanks for the Emulomints,” was vague enough that no one even went looking for the Vice President for several hours. It was not until Air Force One was spotted on a straight path to Russian air space that anyone realized that Trump had skedaddled out of the highest office in the land, and when Supreme Court Chief Justice John Roberts went looking for Pence to swear him in as #46, the VP was nowhere to be found. Another crucial half hour passed before Pence’s Secret Service detail confessed shamefacedly that Pence had been Raptured right before their eyes.
“He suddenly sprouted a big set of angel wings and just flapped off towards Heaven,” one of the embarrassed agents said. “I know we’re supposed to take a bullet for the people we protect, but none of us were ready for this. I mean, one of the guys tried to grab him by the shoes, but he couldn’t hold on. All that’s left of Pence in this world is one size 10 1/2 wingtip.”
Defense Department officials confirmed that the Rapture had indeed taken place. “People are missing from all over the world, except in America. It seems that possibly the only person Raptured here was Pence, although both Nick Foles and Miley Cyrus can’t be found, either. Even the Vice President’s wife is busy at her day job, teaching art and homophobia to six-year-olds. Everyone else in the US was Left Behind because they were unworthy. We blame PornHub.”
Roberts, conscious of his constitutional duty, went straight away to the Capitol and swore in Pelosi as President. Pandemonium broke out in both parties, as the Republicans in the Senate tried to get a resolution passed declaring Pelosi the Antichrist. It failed because some of the Senators wanted to vote for Beto O’Rourke instead. Still others wanted Mitt Romney. “Hey, Mitt really wants to be something,” one of his backers explained. In the meantime, the Democrats went into full backstabbing mode over who was going to be the next Speaker of the House.
Pelosi proved to be a decisive leader, however. As her first act, she appealed to NATO to shoot down Air Force One before it could make it to Moscow. The Norwegian Air Force was more than happy to comply. “Fucking aye,” was their official response, and Trump’s plane was soon a debris field in the North Atlantic. Large numbers of state secrets, gold-plated urinals and bundles of cash were being recovered, along with multiple cheeseburgers, from the choppy waters off the Norwegian coast.
Pelosi will address the nation tonight. The title of her speech is said to be, “The End Times Will Be the Best Times, Thanks to the Democratic Party, And Also, I Need A New Plane.”
No other details are available as of this writing.
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