Crushed Cowboy cupcake Melissa Kellerman
It was a bad weekend for women on Twitter over Thanksgiving. After being tackled by fellow Dallas Cowboy Jason Witten on the sidelines of Thursday's win over the Miami Dolphins, Cowboy cheerleader Melissa Kellerman let out a couple of not particularly suggestive tweets about the incident, after which her Twitter account was deleted. The assumption is that either the National Football League or Jerry Jones, the owner of the Cowboys and a man known informally as the Bashar Assad of the NFL, ordered Kellerman to relinquish her account.
The Cowboys pioneered the pro football cheerleading program, but most of the NFL teams now have a squad, invariably formed of the most insanely delectable young women in the municipality, dressed in the skimpiest possible outfits that may legally be worn in public, and trained to bounce up and down vigorously on the sidelines. This place on the field proved more than potentially hazardous for Ms. Kellerman when the 6-6, 265 pound Witten hurdled out of bounds and landed on top of her.
Despite Witten's wearing full protective gear, including steel mesh crotch cup and helmet and Kellerman wearing only underwear and cowboy boots, the cheerleader emerged unscathed, at least until she started tweeting about the incident. Despite restraining herself from any off-color tweets, which I would have happily ghost-written for her, such as "bet u gurls want 2 kno how J is on top," or "the fastr the pouncin, th bttr the bouncin" Kellerman is a non-Tweeter today.
It is hard to imagine how the NFL could be frightened by the possibility of further scandal in this completely unplanned coupling, already witnessed by millions live and on TV, but the league takes no chances when it comes to people believing that there could be any sexual attraction between healthy young male athletes and twenty-something women who model team-colored lingerie every Sunday. Likewise, the NFL would have us believe all of the men and boys in the stands regard the cheerleaders as merely fellow staunch supporters of the home team, not as objects of ultimate lascivious fantasy with whom they would happily trade a decade of Super Bowl wins in order to spend an hour.
I predict Ms. Kellerman will be put on waivers at the end of the season or sooner, as a warning to the rest of the Cowboy cheerleaders to keep their Twitter fingers still the next time one of them gets upended by a tight end.
Emma Sullivan, of Shawnee Mission, Kansas, is also lip-deep in virtual alligators this Monday as a result of her Twitter comment during a meeting with Governor Sam Brownback of her home state, part of which stated the Governor "sucked."
I am only vaguely familiar with Governor Brownback and by vaguely I mean that I have only noticed his name several times and thought that it should be the first part of a bird's name (i.e., "brownback warbler" or "brownback least tern") rather than a politician's surname, so I have no idea what his politics are like or of his proclivity for or talent at oral sex. I suspect that Emma doesn't, either. She was taking part in a Youth in Government meeting with the Guv at the time she twittered, so is a potential future politician herself. Her comment does not bode well for the future of political discourse but, frankly, what does? Asserting that one's political opponents excel at fellatio is hardly original with Emma. Check out barackobamasucks.net or bachmannsucks.us or just buy a "Joe Biden Sucks" t-shirt if you need to be convinced of this.
Emma made the mistake of still being in high school when she Twittered her low opinion of Brownback, though, so she has a principal to whom she must answer. That principal, Karl R. Kravitz, the Jerry Jones of Shawnee Mission, demanded she write a letter of apology to the Governor after the Governor's staff, which routinely checks Twitter for references to Brownback, notified Kravitz of Emma's vilification of their boss.
So far Emma has refused to write the letter, standing up for all Americans' right to say their least-favored politicians engage in sex acts that deviate from standard intercourse. It's not exactly Patrick Henry-like, but today's moral issues always seem a tad more clouded than those in the history books, don't they? The real problem here is that Emma's comment, thanks to the efforts of state and local government employees in Kansas, instead of being viewed by maybe twelve people, is now a national story and Emma herself, by merely making an unimaginative comment that likely nearly half the Kansas voting public or more would likely echo, has now made herself the most famous Kansas teenage girl since Dorothy.
The taxpayers of Kansas (The Flat State) are hardly to be blamed for thinking that blows.