Surely Bill must have realized that saying that slaves were well fed and housed is only a scootch away from saying that a victim of mob violence was lynched with a nice, clean, smooth rope. He must also have considered that “well fed” meant something a little different in 1802 than it means now—slaves were not able to order take-out every night from rib joints or Chinese restaurants, and “housed” did not meant “living in a house like Bill O’Reilly’s house.”
In addition, feeding your slaves and keeping them indoors at night was probably not viewed by slave-owners as a kindness so much as necessary property maintenance—slaves worked better and had a better resale value if you didn’t starve them and leave them out in the rain. Bill O’Reilly does the same thing for however many luxury vehicles he owns by changing their oil at regular intervals and keeping them garaged.
When pressed on the issue, O’Reilly admitted “Slavery was a horror,” but added “There was an okay amount of niceness involved.”
Possibly that is not an exact quote.
Bill’s viewers feel that he was just messing with the heads of black people again, which they enjoy and watch his program for. In view of his boss Roger Ailes getting pink-slipped for palming the ass of every female employee at FOX with an ass worthy of palming, though, Bill may have had an altruistic purpose—drawing fire away from the fallen Ailes. Just as Donald Trump came to Ailes’s defense for no particular reason, except maybe that the Presidential candidate has no doubt done the same thing himself a thousand times and will make it an option for carefree bosses everywhere again as soon as he is elected, Bill felt the need to distract the American public away from the fact that the head of their favorite cable TV news network filled the airwaves with news that old white people wanted to hear not just because racial hostility is a ratings winner, but also because he wanted to have sex with all their best granddaughters.
Bill wasn’t the only talking head to throw himself on this particular grenade. My girl Ann Coulter also pu up a wall of distraction by complaining about the father of a fallen American hero being “an angry Muslim with a thick accent.”
She was immediately besieged on Twitter by everybody to the left of the late Timothy McVeigh. I alone came to her defense by composing this Tweet: @AnnCoulter right—our most pressing defense need is to be protected by soldiers with easily understandable accents.
Then I realized that would leave out most volunteers from Louisiana and Maine, so I didn’t send it after all.
But Anne’s never been an employee of FOX like Bill O’Reilly. She just puts in occasional appearance there, when the regular FOX people get weary of poor-mouthing minorities in the interest of racial harmony and then complaining about Obama sympathizing with minorities as being the cause of racial divisiveness. This is a job that could give anybody headaches, so it's no wonder they keep Anne in the bullpen.
She could never get a steady job there, because Roger Ailes never wanted to have sex with her. Sad. But nonetheless understandable.