God appeared to me the other day, again. He's an easy Being to recognize. I had just come back in from dumping the empty shells of a twelve pack in the recycle bin when I saw He had taken up a place on my couch.
"My Lord!" I exclaimed.
"You got that right," He said. He looked around. "You really haven't done much with this place."
"If you would let me win the lottery, as I often beseech you," I began, by way of excuse, but He cut me off. "Don't start in on Me with the lottery. Only erections get prayed for more than lottery wins."
"I'd like to point out, I really don't bother You about the erection thing."
"Give it a couple more years," He advised me. "I came to give you the Word on gay marriage."
"I don't mean to be disrespectful, my Deity, but couldn't you reveal Your Will to somebody people actually pay attention to, instead of me? Like Mike Huckabee. He's already told everybody that "Jesus wept" when the Supreme Court let gay marriage be legal."
"Jesus wept, all right, but that's because He gave Me Kansas City and the points for the last Super Bowl. Sometimes He forgets that I KNOW EVERYTHING when We start talking about who's gonna cover the spread. It had nothing to do with gay marriage."
"So you are going to forgive America for legalizing gay marriage?"
"It's a little more complicated than that. First of all, I don't forgive whole nations anymore. I know that's how I operated back in the day, letting those damn Israelites off the hook time and again, but My judgments are all individual now. My surveillance methods are more sophisticated these days. It's like that NSA thing you Americans have, only divinely more powerful. Not only can I intercept individual phone calls and emails, but every single human thought and deed is subject to My inspection."
"That's a lot of stuff to monitor."
"Oh, I don't listen to all of it. Certain algorithms—actually, Up There, We call them Sin-gorithms—alert Us to suspicious traffic. Then We can pull up the file and see if there was actual sinful activity. The filters are very sophisticated. We can't be bothered having the alarms go off every time some guy starts staring at a picture of Kate Upton's boobs."
"Oh, wow, so that's not a sin?"
"Well it is, technically, but I don't make a big deal out of it. Lucky for you, I might point out."
"Getting back to the gay marriage thing..."
"Oh, yeah. First off, a lot of Americans still hate gay marriage anyway, so they don't need to be forgiven. Secondly, I'm not sure I'm really against it. I invented gay in the first place..."
"You did? Well, that settles a lot of arguments, but why?"
"A couple of the archangels talked me into it. You should have seen humanity before I did. Zero fashion sense. And nobody could carve a decent statue. People were praying to these ugly lumps of clay and rocks, thinking they looked like Me. Gay fixed all that."
"But in the Bible, you come out strongly against gay."
"Yeah, I know that's in there."
"And the Bible is your divinely inspired Word."
"Well, you know they'll anything put on a book jacket to help it sell. I was actually more of an executive producer on that project. Sure, I put in the Ten Commandments and the Sermon on the Mount, but I let the junior writers do a lot of the filler stuff. Didn't realize they could be so creative. That's where the gay thing started. I wasn't consulted. I was a little browned off about it, and also the part where you can't eat lobster or bacon, but the Book had already gone to press."
"You could put out a revised edition."
"Like I haven't tried? Every time I appear to somebody and pass along some notes for a rewrite, they end up getting stoned to death or burned at the stake. Speaking of notes, you taking any?"
"My Lord, you don't want me?? Honestly, I'm not even sure my life insurance is paid up."
"Relax, man. I'm just yanking your chain. You're right. Nobody pays attention to you. I'm just killing time until Mike Huckabee wakes up from his nap. Then I'll appear to him."
"So tomorrow he'll start preaching acceptance?"
"I doubt it. Whenever I appear to him, Mike always seems to think I'm a hallucination brought on by eating too much dessert. Chances are good he'll just swear off pecan pie with pistachio ice cream again instead of changing his tune."
"My Lord!" I exclaimed.
"You got that right," He said. He looked around. "You really haven't done much with this place."
"If you would let me win the lottery, as I often beseech you," I began, by way of excuse, but He cut me off. "Don't start in on Me with the lottery. Only erections get prayed for more than lottery wins."
"I'd like to point out, I really don't bother You about the erection thing."
"Give it a couple more years," He advised me. "I came to give you the Word on gay marriage."
"I don't mean to be disrespectful, my Deity, but couldn't you reveal Your Will to somebody people actually pay attention to, instead of me? Like Mike Huckabee. He's already told everybody that "Jesus wept" when the Supreme Court let gay marriage be legal."
"Jesus wept, all right, but that's because He gave Me Kansas City and the points for the last Super Bowl. Sometimes He forgets that I KNOW EVERYTHING when We start talking about who's gonna cover the spread. It had nothing to do with gay marriage."
"So you are going to forgive America for legalizing gay marriage?"
"It's a little more complicated than that. First of all, I don't forgive whole nations anymore. I know that's how I operated back in the day, letting those damn Israelites off the hook time and again, but My judgments are all individual now. My surveillance methods are more sophisticated these days. It's like that NSA thing you Americans have, only divinely more powerful. Not only can I intercept individual phone calls and emails, but every single human thought and deed is subject to My inspection."
"That's a lot of stuff to monitor."
"Oh, I don't listen to all of it. Certain algorithms—actually, Up There, We call them Sin-gorithms—alert Us to suspicious traffic. Then We can pull up the file and see if there was actual sinful activity. The filters are very sophisticated. We can't be bothered having the alarms go off every time some guy starts staring at a picture of Kate Upton's boobs."
"Oh, wow, so that's not a sin?"
"Well it is, technically, but I don't make a big deal out of it. Lucky for you, I might point out."
"Getting back to the gay marriage thing..."
"Oh, yeah. First off, a lot of Americans still hate gay marriage anyway, so they don't need to be forgiven. Secondly, I'm not sure I'm really against it. I invented gay in the first place..."
"You did? Well, that settles a lot of arguments, but why?"
"A couple of the archangels talked me into it. You should have seen humanity before I did. Zero fashion sense. And nobody could carve a decent statue. People were praying to these ugly lumps of clay and rocks, thinking they looked like Me. Gay fixed all that."
"But in the Bible, you come out strongly against gay."
"Yeah, I know that's in there."
"And the Bible is your divinely inspired Word."
"Well, you know they'll anything put on a book jacket to help it sell. I was actually more of an executive producer on that project. Sure, I put in the Ten Commandments and the Sermon on the Mount, but I let the junior writers do a lot of the filler stuff. Didn't realize they could be so creative. That's where the gay thing started. I wasn't consulted. I was a little browned off about it, and also the part where you can't eat lobster or bacon, but the Book had already gone to press."
"You could put out a revised edition."
"Like I haven't tried? Every time I appear to somebody and pass along some notes for a rewrite, they end up getting stoned to death or burned at the stake. Speaking of notes, you taking any?"
"My Lord, you don't want me?? Honestly, I'm not even sure my life insurance is paid up."
"Relax, man. I'm just yanking your chain. You're right. Nobody pays attention to you. I'm just killing time until Mike Huckabee wakes up from his nap. Then I'll appear to him."
"So tomorrow he'll start preaching acceptance?"
"I doubt it. Whenever I appear to him, Mike always seems to think I'm a hallucination brought on by eating too much dessert. Chances are good he'll just swear off pecan pie with pistachio ice cream again instead of changing his tune."
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