Amid the hoo-hoo and boo-rah surrounding Colorado and Maine’s decision to leave Trump off their ballots, the response of the Tangerine Drama Queen and his supporters has been a yowling for democracy so loud they sound as if they are being knifed by whole caravan of illegal immigrants.
“Let the people decide!!” they shout. “We're hollering in favor of the glory of the people’s vote! Why should Trump be subject to some stinky old Constitutional amendment that the Democrats dusted off to interfere with the election?”
This sounded distinctly different than the Republican position following the 2020 election, when many GOPers advocated tossing the ballots of entire cities like Detroit and Philadelphia into Lake Huron and the Delaware River, respectively. I called up my old pal, veteran Republican operative Joe Redstate, to see if he could plausible his way out of this implausible contradiction. He was up to the task.
“Easy, peasy,” he replied. “When a man in a pickup truck in which all the presets on the radio are set to country-western stations votes Republican, especially if he browbeats his wife into voting Republican, too, that vote is the vote our forefathers fought to preserve. When people of color take public transportation to wait in long lines to vote for Democrats, those are votes that are immediately suspect.”
How’s that, Joe?
“These so-called voters are the people that make Republicans lock their SUV doors when they get off at the wrong exit and accidentally drive through their neighborhoods. Their votes should be looked upon with deep suspicion just because of that. Besides, do you realize how many fake ballots you can stuff in a bus?”
You could stuff fake ballots in the back of a pickup truck, too, Joe.
“Not if it’s already full of Trump flags, pal. Same thing when our greatest President ever calls up state officials and asks them to find more votes for him. He’s just doing his duty for democracy, which Democrats are going to destroy if they keep winning elections. When Mark Meadows put together slates of fake electors and tried to slip them to the coward Pence through Lindsey Graham's favorite glory hole in a men’s room at the Capitol, right before a couple thousand American patriots broke through to have a peaceful demonstration on January 6th, he was giving that mealy-mouthed holy roller a chance to save the votes of people who voted for Trump, so doing his duty for actual Americans.”
Speaking of that riot…
“What riot? It was a perfectly normal tourist visit.”
Normal tourists don’t carry pepper spray and batons, Joe, or poop on the Capitol tiles.
“If tourists were better-armed, buddy, there would be a lot fewer crimes against tourists. And you can hardly blame MAGA for the fact that there aren’t enough toilets in the Capitol to accommodate the bathroom needs of a couple thousand people who have been drinking adult beverages and eating cold possum sandwiches all day. That was on Nancy Pelosi, dude.”
So, Trump, who ended his speech that day with ‘If you don’t fight like hell, you’re not going to have a country anymore,’ didn’t inspire that riot?
“Hell, no. Not in the least. That’s all that druggie Jack Smith’s idea. Did you know Smith has been snorting the ayahuasca with Aaron Rodgers?”
No, missed that one.
“You need to listen to Joe Rogan more, man."
So, if Trump had ended his speech with the vastly more honest, ‘If you don’t fight like hell, you won’t have Trump as your President anymore,’ maybe there wouldn’t have been an insurrection?
“Yeah, maybe. But then we wouldn’t have saved democracy, sport.”
“Let the people decide!!” they shout. “We're hollering in favor of the glory of the people’s vote! Why should Trump be subject to some stinky old Constitutional amendment that the Democrats dusted off to interfere with the election?”
This sounded distinctly different than the Republican position following the 2020 election, when many GOPers advocated tossing the ballots of entire cities like Detroit and Philadelphia into Lake Huron and the Delaware River, respectively. I called up my old pal, veteran Republican operative Joe Redstate, to see if he could plausible his way out of this implausible contradiction. He was up to the task.
“Easy, peasy,” he replied. “When a man in a pickup truck in which all the presets on the radio are set to country-western stations votes Republican, especially if he browbeats his wife into voting Republican, too, that vote is the vote our forefathers fought to preserve. When people of color take public transportation to wait in long lines to vote for Democrats, those are votes that are immediately suspect.”
How’s that, Joe?
“These so-called voters are the people that make Republicans lock their SUV doors when they get off at the wrong exit and accidentally drive through their neighborhoods. Their votes should be looked upon with deep suspicion just because of that. Besides, do you realize how many fake ballots you can stuff in a bus?”
You could stuff fake ballots in the back of a pickup truck, too, Joe.
“Not if it’s already full of Trump flags, pal. Same thing when our greatest President ever calls up state officials and asks them to find more votes for him. He’s just doing his duty for democracy, which Democrats are going to destroy if they keep winning elections. When Mark Meadows put together slates of fake electors and tried to slip them to the coward Pence through Lindsey Graham's favorite glory hole in a men’s room at the Capitol, right before a couple thousand American patriots broke through to have a peaceful demonstration on January 6th, he was giving that mealy-mouthed holy roller a chance to save the votes of people who voted for Trump, so doing his duty for actual Americans.”
Speaking of that riot…
“What riot? It was a perfectly normal tourist visit.”
Normal tourists don’t carry pepper spray and batons, Joe, or poop on the Capitol tiles.
“If tourists were better-armed, buddy, there would be a lot fewer crimes against tourists. And you can hardly blame MAGA for the fact that there aren’t enough toilets in the Capitol to accommodate the bathroom needs of a couple thousand people who have been drinking adult beverages and eating cold possum sandwiches all day. That was on Nancy Pelosi, dude.”
So, Trump, who ended his speech that day with ‘If you don’t fight like hell, you’re not going to have a country anymore,’ didn’t inspire that riot?
“Hell, no. Not in the least. That’s all that druggie Jack Smith’s idea. Did you know Smith has been snorting the ayahuasca with Aaron Rodgers?”
No, missed that one.
“You need to listen to Joe Rogan more, man."
So, if Trump had ended his speech with the vastly more honest, ‘If you don’t fight like hell, you won’t have Trump as your President anymore,’ maybe there wouldn’t have been an insurrection?
“Yeah, maybe. But then we wouldn’t have saved democracy, sport.”
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