Trump’s lawyers have already come up with a devastating preliminary defense, which is to cite all the possible places Trump could have hidden America’s top secrets and chose not to, because of his ironclad concern for our nation’s security. Among the locations that Team Trump is planning to prove that the Caucasian-in-Chief did NOT stash paperwork that Putin and Xi would sacrifice a testicle to see are the following:
HOMELESS ENCAMPMENTS: No people experiencing homelessness were given a chance to view United States state secrets, or to sell them for half a pack of cigarettes to a homeless foreign spy. The video of Trump tossing a piece of paper towards a bunch of people living in tents on the street is easily explained—the Former was merely throwing an empty Quarter-Pounder wrapper at destitute citizens. “He did like to do that,” his lawyer Corcoran admitted in his disposition.
MELANIA’S BRA AND PANTY DRAWER: Although he may have been tempted, the former Orange Overlord did not put any classified secrets in his wife’s undergarment drawers, bearing in mind, perhaps, Melania’s warning of, “You touch—I smack!”
RON DESANTIS’ SNACK CABINET: Trump denies leaving any vital national secrets anywhere close to his Republican rival’s pudding stash. “Having chocolate fingerprints all over them considerably lowers the cash and intelligence value of hypersonic missile blueprints. It’s just not an error a security-conscious ex-President would make,” he confided to Mark Meadows.
DRESSING ROOM AT BERGDORF—GOODMAN: “I’ve never even been in there.”
ENTIRE STATE OF LOUISIANA: While grateful for their electoral votes every four years, Trump has a personal aversion to Louisiana. “Worse bugs than Florida and disgusting beaches. The people talk funny and they think that serving you a dish full of spicy reptile parts is Cajun hospitality. The whole time I was President I was hoping they wouldn’t have a hurricane big enough for me to bother going there.”
CHRIS CHRISTIE’S LUNCHBOX: “You know, a guy can be your best friend until you give him Covid and he nearly dies from it. You want to be the same old pals you used to be. You even go wave at him through his oxygen tent, but he just breaks it off. You don’t know how bitter some people can be until you almost kill them, is the lesson I learned with that guy. And he’s fat.”
THE TRUNK OF JOE BIDEN’S CORVETTE: “Thought they would blend in nice with the classified info he keeps in there, right next to his can of Fix-a-Flat, and then I could accuse him of stealing my stolen documents, but my lawyers talked me out of it.”
There are numerous other places that Trump did not squirrel away information vital to our national interest, his lawyers will insist. Neither George Soros nor George Santos ever got near them, they plan to point out, and he only let Trump Jr. look at them when he (Jr.) was completely blasted on coke and fentanyl. He would have left some with Jared and Ivanka if they hadn’t changed their locks on him, probably, but it never happened so it doesn’t count.
“All in all, the picture of innocence is the one we plan to paint here,” Trump’s legal team boasts. “He’ll walk out of that courtroom as free as that what’s-his-name, Naugahyde or something like that, is screwed.”