It’s June, and that means that social media is filling up with memes that depict Satan as gay, or at least in rainbow colors. The Evil One is not amused. He popped up on my computer screen again.
“You know I hate Teams,” I told him.
“And you know we’re an all-Microsoft workplace now. Makes the afterlife a little more Hellish, and it will really motivate my imps to go to town on Bill Gates when he finally shows up here. I’m here to say that I DID NOT start Pride Month.
Never even dreamed you did.
“Well, plenty of people think so. Come on! What’s my motivation for that? It’s caused me no end of trouble.”
“How’s that?
“Well, you always hear the Other Guy bragging about how perfect He is, and I’m letting you know He can be perfectly sneaky. You should have heard Him chortling, “Ha, ha ha. Did you hear about Pride Month yet? It’s a thing now, and Pride is one of the seven deadly sins, so now they’re all yours. You’ll like it. Some of them are pretty funny.’ Then he shoved all the gay souls over to the Gates of Hell. My front porch.”
“Oh no, you don’t,” I said, but I was left with a bunch of lost gay souls, standing out front because I don’t do group passes. I had to ask for arbitration….”
Who does arbitration in the afterlife?
“Solomon, natch. He just split them, 50-50. He’s kind of a one-trick pony that way. I had to accept his decision.”
But why don’t you want gays in Hell?
“I don’t want anybody in Hell! It’s Hell trying to keep Hell hot enough now. You should see my gas bill. I see one more condemned soul, I’m going to scream! The Other Side feels the same way. ‘In My Father’s House, there are many mansions’ isn’t the current real estate situation there. First floor, one bedroom condo is all you get if you get past the Pearlies now, is what I hear, and you can park your chariot on the street."
But Jesus said that thing about mansions.
“Don’t bring that Guy’s name up around here. This is all His fault, for refusing to put the Second Coming on His calendar. He’s got a bucket of excuses, mostly about production values for the Apocalypse. ‘The sky full of thunderbolts didn’t crackle loud enough in rehearsal.’ ‘That’s not a blood moon, it’s more of an umber moon.’ “Can’t anyone count the heads on a dragon anymore? It supposed to be seven.’ Then He bolts off for another three-day weekend with his side chick, Joan of Arc.”
Wow, that’s some inside stuff. How do you know so much about what goes on in Heaven?
“I back-channel with the Holy Ghost. Dude is sick of being the low Divine Being on the totem pool, so He keeps me up to date.”
But you’re still locked in eternal conflict with the Almighty, right? I mean, your whole business model is built on bad feelings.
“I guess. The whole Eden thing seems so long ago, although I still do turn into a snake once in a while, just so I can bite Rush Limbaugh on the ass. Neither He nor me brings up the Garden anymore. Now we mostly fight about who is going to have to take the latest batch of souls for all eternity. Got to go. I see a bunch of war criminals headed my way.”
And you’ve got to take them, right?
“Only if they’re not gay. I’m keeping my fingers crossed.”
“You know I hate Teams,” I told him.
“And you know we’re an all-Microsoft workplace now. Makes the afterlife a little more Hellish, and it will really motivate my imps to go to town on Bill Gates when he finally shows up here. I’m here to say that I DID NOT start Pride Month.
Never even dreamed you did.
“Well, plenty of people think so. Come on! What’s my motivation for that? It’s caused me no end of trouble.”
“How’s that?
“Well, you always hear the Other Guy bragging about how perfect He is, and I’m letting you know He can be perfectly sneaky. You should have heard Him chortling, “Ha, ha ha. Did you hear about Pride Month yet? It’s a thing now, and Pride is one of the seven deadly sins, so now they’re all yours. You’ll like it. Some of them are pretty funny.’ Then he shoved all the gay souls over to the Gates of Hell. My front porch.”
“Oh no, you don’t,” I said, but I was left with a bunch of lost gay souls, standing out front because I don’t do group passes. I had to ask for arbitration….”
Who does arbitration in the afterlife?
“Solomon, natch. He just split them, 50-50. He’s kind of a one-trick pony that way. I had to accept his decision.”
But why don’t you want gays in Hell?
“I don’t want anybody in Hell! It’s Hell trying to keep Hell hot enough now. You should see my gas bill. I see one more condemned soul, I’m going to scream! The Other Side feels the same way. ‘In My Father’s House, there are many mansions’ isn’t the current real estate situation there. First floor, one bedroom condo is all you get if you get past the Pearlies now, is what I hear, and you can park your chariot on the street."
But Jesus said that thing about mansions.
“Don’t bring that Guy’s name up around here. This is all His fault, for refusing to put the Second Coming on His calendar. He’s got a bucket of excuses, mostly about production values for the Apocalypse. ‘The sky full of thunderbolts didn’t crackle loud enough in rehearsal.’ ‘That’s not a blood moon, it’s more of an umber moon.’ “Can’t anyone count the heads on a dragon anymore? It supposed to be seven.’ Then He bolts off for another three-day weekend with his side chick, Joan of Arc.”
Wow, that’s some inside stuff. How do you know so much about what goes on in Heaven?
“I back-channel with the Holy Ghost. Dude is sick of being the low Divine Being on the totem pool, so He keeps me up to date.”
But you’re still locked in eternal conflict with the Almighty, right? I mean, your whole business model is built on bad feelings.
“I guess. The whole Eden thing seems so long ago, although I still do turn into a snake once in a while, just so I can bite Rush Limbaugh on the ass. Neither He nor me brings up the Garden anymore. Now we mostly fight about who is going to have to take the latest batch of souls for all eternity. Got to go. I see a bunch of war criminals headed my way.”
And you’ve got to take them, right?
“Only if they’re not gay. I’m keeping my fingers crossed.”
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