So, After School Satan Clubs came into being, in unused classrooms right next to the Christian Chastity League and the Bible Believing Buddies, shoving chess clubs and debate teams aside for that after-school space, thanks to the Court. Local and national politicians are aghast. A typical protest was lodged by Ron (“I Used To Be In Second Place Behind Trump") DeSantis, who said “My view would be that that’s not a religion that the founding fathers were trying create,” on CNN.
DeSantis seems to need to join the After School Syntax Club, and a little remedial American history wouldn’t hurt him either, as he should know the FF’s were in the business of creating a country, not a religion.
No one has asked Satan how he feels about After School Satan Clubs until now, though. I summoned the Prince of Darkness on Microsoft Teams. We used to Zoom when we wanted to chat, but Abode of Eternal Suffering has become an all-Microsoft workplace now, because that makes it slightly more hellish.
“Ah, I don’t know,” the Lord of Evil said. “I mean, I like the name, but these Clubs could be a little more Satanic, if you ask me. There’s not much summoning of demons going on in them, and not a single one has gone looking for the blood of an unbaptized boy. That’s the kind of after-school activity that gets my juices flowing. Just once I’d like to materialize from a pentagram drawn in a public school classroom, head over to band practice, spread my gigantic bat wings and watch the horn section crap themselves on the gym floor.”
That is evil.
“Evil’s how I made my bones, friend. Plus, anything to get out of Hell for the afternoon. You try gutting souls with pitchforks for all eternity. No matter how much they deserve it, it gets stale.”
But the After School Satan Club members say they don’t really believe in you. They’re mostly atheists, and they just name their clubs after you to get the bible bleaters wound up.
“There’s that about them, too. Not that I’ve got anything against atheists.”
I’m sure there’s plenty of them in Hell.
“Not as many as you’d think. Mostly, we get politicians who were secret atheists while attending every worship service and pancake prayer breakfast they could cram onto their calendar, just they could convince religious simps to vote for them. Their kind is always welcome in Hell. Mostly, atheists go to Heaven. The Big Guy loves the look on their faces when they pass through the Pearlies. That combination of Oh, boy! And Oh, shit! really cracks Him up.”
So, you don’t really approve of the After School Satan Clubs?
“I didn’t say that. It’s nice to get some kind of recognition. You’ll know the feeling, if anybody ever starts an After School Cahill Club.