Getting publicly kicked in the balls by Joe Manchin didn’t help, either. And if you say "supply chain" one more time, Biden will send Jen Psaki out to your house to make you feel stupid in person.
So, Biden’s got to turn things around, and if he wants some useless, sardonic advice on doing that, he can always read these words. The counsel here is get flashy. Follow the example of your predecessor. What does Hunter do, anyway? Tell him to put down his paintbrush and start working in the White House. Fire the FBI director, whoever he is. Pass some state secrets to the Russians when you go eyeball-to-eyeball with Putin. Above all, proclaim all those crappy polls are “fake news.”
Golf, golf, golf. Piss your wife off so that she won’t touch you in public. Absentmindedly leave her behind when you’re getting in and out of limos and airplanes. Or just dump her and start carrying on publicly with some celebrity, preferably one that nobody is quite sure why she is famous, anyway, like Chrissy Teigen.
Brag about getting “love letters” from fat, murderous international maniacs. Call antifas “very fine people.” Send Mexico an invoice for not building a wall. Plant one of your famous hair kisses on the top of Ilhan Omar’s hijab.
Tweet, tweet, tweet. Call Manchin a “climate-destroying bunghole.” Call Mitch McConnell “a turtle-faced skinbag of Kentucky swill.” Accuse anybody that criticizes you of treason.
Speaking of Kentucky, where were the paper towels when you visited that disaster area? People are cleaning up whole destroyed trailer parks with napkins they swiped from McDonalds because you didn’t toss them a single roll of Bounty.
Some things you can never do. They may doom your Presidency. You can’t ask the Supreme Court to keep your tax returns secret, because you already released them. You can’t claim your Inauguration was the biggest one ever, because it was manifestly the smallest. You can’t proclaim “I alone can fix it,” and then never fix a goddam thing, because you’ve already tried to fix stuff, like roads and bridges.
But you can resolve to do something jaw-droppingly boneheaded nearly every single day.
Apparently, it’s what the American people want.