"I think the hands are still too big." Trump startled a group of White House insiders, including chief of staff John Kelly and Defense Secretary James Mattis by asking them if the Air Force could shoot down a gigantic cartoon balloon of him dressed as baby in a diaper and scheduled to fly over London when he visits that city, an anonymous source reported.
Both Kelly and Mattis strongly advised against attacking an unarmed caricature filled with helium flying over the capital of an allied nation, but Trump persisted in exploring ways to destroy the floating insult to his person. “If not the Air Force, the Navy. They got plenty of airplanes with missiles, right?”
Mattis and Kelly had to explain that none of the Navy’s carrier task forces were deployed near enough to the British Isles to take on the lighter-than-air observation on the President’s emotional maturity.
“The Marines, then,” Trump was said to have insisted. “They got helicopters. They give me rides on one all the time when it’s time for me to take a golf break. That helicopter can shoot bullets—the pilot keeps telling me it can, although when I ask him to shoot at something, he always says he’s out of bullets.”
Sensing the President’s anger rising, Kelly muttered a hesitant “maybe,” but Mattis pointed out that the nearest Marine helicopters were in Germany. At that point, Kelly said "Don’t we have a base in Suffolk?" whereupon Mattis kicked him viciously in the shin, raising a smallish bruise which observers said was the exact size of one of one of Kellyanne Conway's breasts.
At this point, Trump lost his temper and said “Fuck you guys, I’ll get the CIA to drone them. They always blew up anything Obama wanted ‘em to.”
Mattis quickly faked a call to the Director of the CIA, Gina Haspell, and pretended she told him they had spent all their drone money for the year on waterboards.
Exasperated, Trump said, “Fine—I’ll just have the Secret Service shoot it down with their handguns,” whereupon Kelly successfully distracted him by re-opening the possibility of invading Venezuela. Mollified by the prospect of war with a defenseless South American nation, Trump calmed down enough to go watch Fox, although when that channel showed an image of the buoyant British smear on the Presidential character, Trump was said to have yelled, “That’s why we need a Space Force!” at the television.
Both Kelly and Mattis strongly advised against attacking an unarmed caricature filled with helium flying over the capital of an allied nation, but Trump persisted in exploring ways to destroy the floating insult to his person. “If not the Air Force, the Navy. They got plenty of airplanes with missiles, right?”
Mattis and Kelly had to explain that none of the Navy’s carrier task forces were deployed near enough to the British Isles to take on the lighter-than-air observation on the President’s emotional maturity.
“The Marines, then,” Trump was said to have insisted. “They got helicopters. They give me rides on one all the time when it’s time for me to take a golf break. That helicopter can shoot bullets—the pilot keeps telling me it can, although when I ask him to shoot at something, he always says he’s out of bullets.”
Sensing the President’s anger rising, Kelly muttered a hesitant “maybe,” but Mattis pointed out that the nearest Marine helicopters were in Germany. At that point, Kelly said "Don’t we have a base in Suffolk?" whereupon Mattis kicked him viciously in the shin, raising a smallish bruise which observers said was the exact size of one of one of Kellyanne Conway's breasts.
At this point, Trump lost his temper and said “Fuck you guys, I’ll get the CIA to drone them. They always blew up anything Obama wanted ‘em to.”
Mattis quickly faked a call to the Director of the CIA, Gina Haspell, and pretended she told him they had spent all their drone money for the year on waterboards.
Exasperated, Trump said, “Fine—I’ll just have the Secret Service shoot it down with their handguns,” whereupon Kelly successfully distracted him by re-opening the possibility of invading Venezuela. Mollified by the prospect of war with a defenseless South American nation, Trump calmed down enough to go watch Fox, although when that channel showed an image of the buoyant British smear on the Presidential character, Trump was said to have yelled, “That’s why we need a Space Force!” at the television.
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