Fucking Republicans, like picking strawberries or avocadoes, is a thankless, dirty job, but Maria went hard at it, lying on her back and thinking of Father Russia as Republican after Republican plowed her fertile fields. Word has it she fondled more than guns at that NRA convention she attended, telling her partners breathlessly how amazing they were in bed, and also, would they like an extra 50 million for pro-Republican causes? She embraced one pale, spotted belly after another, all in the name of the GRU. By the sheer power of her vaginal tool, this ginger nympho may have swung the last election to the Republican side.
So what? I hear you saying. It’s not like Maria is the first real-life Octopussy. The books of spy lore are full of stories of lady operatives who took their enemies to bed in bugged rooms. The bigger problem here is that this undercover wench is pilfering jobs from American sex workers.
Traditionally, Republicans have been serviced by American call girls. Natural, US-born hookers have always flocked to Republican conventions like they were Super Bowls to service the needs of professional Republicans, no matter how perverted they might be. If a politician wanted to be spanked with a magazine with his picture on it, there was an American prostitute standing by to accommodate him. If that pol wanted to be spanked by that magazine while he was wearing her underwear and a naked Boy Scout was watching from his hotel room closet while humming "America the Beautiful," you could still find an American sex professional with a stomach strong enough to do that job. But it would cost.
But American professional vagina cannot compete with Russian coochie that promises to work tirelessly on your election AND your erection. “How would you like to get the best lay of your life and a half-million for your favorite Super PAC?” is what these spy tramps are whispering in willing Republican ears right now.
Stormy Daniels, Karen McDougal and their like may well have banged their last Republican, as the GOP abandons their age-old tradition of trafficking in red, white and blue vagina in favor of imported poon. And who’s to stop it? Like migrants that swarm up from the southern border to pick our grapes and make our chicken nuggets, Russians will take over the sex industry, as there may well be no American girls left willing to do the job of faking orgasms for Republicans. At least not for a competitive price.
The answer, in the Trump trade war tradition, is probably a tariff on tushie. A big, stiff tariff, naturally. Large enough to discourage hookers from messing with it, so truly enormous. But will the Republicans actually pass such a measure?
Marie and her comrades will see that they don’t.