Later today, the President of the United States will continue his huge touring clusterfuck in Europe by meeting with the man who swung the election in his favor, Russia’s Putin, in Helsinki, Finland.
Upon landing in that small northern nation, Trump was greeted by a mass of protesters similar to the crowds that protested him in England and Scotland. Trump was reportedly taken aback by the wall of hatred erected by the sullen Scandinavians.
“The President was indeed shocked by his reception in one of the many countries he couldn’t be bothered finding on a map,” an anonymous source confided. “After dissing the British Prime Minister and walking around the Queen like any sensible person who is trying to perambulate as slowly as a monarch who is pushing the century mark would, aggravating the British public into a monstrous rage, Trump felt he would receive a warmer welcome in this country. He eventually came to the conclusion that his lack of popularity here was because he had never built a golf course in Finland.”
That is quite an astonishing feat of reasoning.
“One of the amazing things about working with the President is witnessing daily his ability to think outside the box. The protesters in Finland were dismissed by him as irrelevant, because many of their signs were written in Finnish, a language he characterized as ‘having way too many little floating dots in it.”
But many of the signs were written in perfect English, because a lot of Finns speak English, because hardly anybody outside of Finland speaks Finnish, although most natives don’t think that’s because of the floating dot thing.
“People who write in perfect English are not recognized by the President, as they seldom form part of his base. The President prefers people who write with odd capitalizations, refuse to heed spell check, and mix up homonyms. Please check his Twitter feed for further elucidation.”
I’ll need another cup of covfefe before I do that. We’re surprised that Trump doesn’t blame Putin for the protests, as Russia is hated in Finland possibly even more than Trump, owing to the centuries of violent oppression the Finns endured under Russian rule.
“Oh, wow, is that a true thing? I could pass that along to the President, although chances are pretty slim he’ll use it to blame Putin for the demonstrators. The President doesn’t like blaming Putin for anything.”
So we’ve noticed.
“How did Obama get along with Finland? Did he launch any cruise missiles here, pass any Dream Acts, or tell the Finns they could keep their own doctors? Because then we could blame him. The President would be happy to do that.”