Peace is at hand, says Trump Following his tweet taking credit for peace with North Korea, Trump Press Secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders read a prepared statement that said Trump deserves credit for peace with most countries the US is not currently at war in. She singled out Uruguay as an outstanding example of Trump’s peacemaking talents.
“Where was Obama during the whole Uruguay situation? Being weak,” she said as she answered her own question. “No one was paying attention to Uruguay during the Bush years either. The whole situation was allowed to fecklessly fester until President Trump broke through the barriers that threatened war with another tiny nation like North Korea.”
“How exactly did he do that?” a reporter from CNN shouted.
“Top secret negotiations, carried out under intense security, between the shrouded Uruguayan leadership and Secretary of State Pompeo, who was ably assisted by Roseanne Barr. Secretary Pompeo recognized the danger of letting Uruguay have nuclear weapons, and Roseanne needed the work.”
“We have never even invaded Uruguay. It’s too far away and too teeny. Relationships between the US and Uruguay have always been utterly peaceful. When did Uruguay decided it needed nuclear weapons?” a reporter from the New York Times demanded.
“That’s not the right question,” Huckabee replied. “The right question would be does Uruguay think it needs nuclear weapons now? The answer is no, thanks to President Trump. Uruguay has completed forsaken its nuclear program.”
“Uruguay has never spent a single peso on nukes,” a correspondent from the Washington Post noted.
“And it won’t have to now. But that’s not all. President Trump is considering taking credit for peace with all of Latin America, except maybe Venezuela, which is controlled by MS-13. We are also at peace with nations like Australia, Swaziland and Morocco, thanks to the strength demonstrated by the President.”
The CNN reporter seemed on the edge of tears. “But we have been at peace with all these nations since World War II, if not forever. How can Trump take credit for it?” he bawled.
“Because none of the previous Presidents did, silly. Just like none of the other Presidents jailed immigrant kids, then backed off and gave himself credit for solving the problem. Or the forthcoming trade war, which the President will eventually withdraw from and pat himself on the back for ending. He even plans to give himself credit for insuring that this month’s lunar eclipse will not be visible from the United States, because those Blood Moons agitate his evangelical base.”
“So if nobody else is willing to take credit for something, it is Trump’s plan to do so?” asked the New York Times reporter, who added, ‘It’s lucky the Secret Service doesn’t let me bring a small, sharp knife in here, because I would be seriously considering cutting myself.”
“And we wish you would,” said Sanders smoothly. “But, yeah. That’s the way we plan to roll. Peace with Paraguay is next.”
“Where was Obama during the whole Uruguay situation? Being weak,” she said as she answered her own question. “No one was paying attention to Uruguay during the Bush years either. The whole situation was allowed to fecklessly fester until President Trump broke through the barriers that threatened war with another tiny nation like North Korea.”
“How exactly did he do that?” a reporter from CNN shouted.
“Top secret negotiations, carried out under intense security, between the shrouded Uruguayan leadership and Secretary of State Pompeo, who was ably assisted by Roseanne Barr. Secretary Pompeo recognized the danger of letting Uruguay have nuclear weapons, and Roseanne needed the work.”
“We have never even invaded Uruguay. It’s too far away and too teeny. Relationships between the US and Uruguay have always been utterly peaceful. When did Uruguay decided it needed nuclear weapons?” a reporter from the New York Times demanded.
“That’s not the right question,” Huckabee replied. “The right question would be does Uruguay think it needs nuclear weapons now? The answer is no, thanks to President Trump. Uruguay has completed forsaken its nuclear program.”
“Uruguay has never spent a single peso on nukes,” a correspondent from the Washington Post noted.
“And it won’t have to now. But that’s not all. President Trump is considering taking credit for peace with all of Latin America, except maybe Venezuela, which is controlled by MS-13. We are also at peace with nations like Australia, Swaziland and Morocco, thanks to the strength demonstrated by the President.”
The CNN reporter seemed on the edge of tears. “But we have been at peace with all these nations since World War II, if not forever. How can Trump take credit for it?” he bawled.
“Because none of the previous Presidents did, silly. Just like none of the other Presidents jailed immigrant kids, then backed off and gave himself credit for solving the problem. Or the forthcoming trade war, which the President will eventually withdraw from and pat himself on the back for ending. He even plans to give himself credit for insuring that this month’s lunar eclipse will not be visible from the United States, because those Blood Moons agitate his evangelical base.”
“So if nobody else is willing to take credit for something, it is Trump’s plan to do so?” asked the New York Times reporter, who added, ‘It’s lucky the Secret Service doesn’t let me bring a small, sharp knife in here, because I would be seriously considering cutting myself.”
“And we wish you would,” said Sanders smoothly. “But, yeah. That’s the way we plan to roll. Peace with Paraguay is next.”
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