But they’re back! They were behind the Re-Open protest at the Massachusetts Capitol the other day, bravely wearing Trumpgear and defying orders to stay at home, calling for America’s beer joints, gun stores and bait and tackle shops to reopen in the face of the pandemic. The organizers proclaimed the rally a huge success. I talked to one, who insisted on just being addressed as Proud Boy.
Okay, Proud, why do you think nobody showed up at the Straight Pride Parade compared to today’s protest?
“Well, I hate to badmouth my fellow straight guys, but some of them were obviously not proud enough of being straight. This is a mistaken notion. Even if you’re an overweight burpsack living in your parents’ house and your regular daily routine consists of consuming an 18-pack of Natural Light while toggling between ESPN and Pornhub every waking hour, you’re still better than gays and women.”
That’s a pretty strong position, Proud. Don’t you think you’re taking a risk being out here, not wearing masks or staying six feet apart, while we’re in the middle of this pandemic?
“Real men don’t get viruses, and if they do, it’s no worse than the flu. And don’t give me a bunch of crap about experts. We don’t like experts in any field that doesn’t involve motor vehicles, video games or killing animals. Every time somebody with a white coat, glasses, and clean fingernails comes on TV, we tune them right out.”
What about the Confederate flags and even Nazi flags you guys seem to love?
“Two words, pal—liberal tears. Plus, it lets the cops know we’re white, so they won’t shoot or tear-gas us even if we get a little rowdy.”
You guys were laughed off the street during your Straight Pride fiasco. Does the fact that the people who think you’re a bunch of conspiracy-theory idiots with extremely poor haircut and wardrobe choices are wisely sheltering in place at the current moment, unable to come out and jeer at you, make you feel safer?
“Safer? Listen, pal, straight white guys with GED’s are the best, bravest and most patriotic Americans, and if you want to disagree with that, we will flame you with misspelled memes on Facebook until you block us out of sheer exasperation. That’s courage. The only thing that will ever stop us for standing up for what we believe is if they stop making camouflage pants in plus sizes.”
What if you are spreading the virus though? Even if you don’t get sick from it, you could bring it home to your parents and grandparents.
“Well, that would make us sad, of course. But there’s a silver lining there. Some of us would get to move upstairs.”