Who do we owe this outcome, with many states reopening to make the death total spiral, combined with enough of us still scared shitless to go out the door to guarantee a lingering, huge recession? Some say it’s just the genius of Trump, but the man can’t screw up everything himself, hard as he might try.
“It’s Jared,” said one anonymous White House source. “When Trump is Tweeting, or getting a fresh coat of orange shellac on his chins, or just watching Fox and Friends with his pants off, Jared is there. His steady presence in the Situation Room, or as some of us call it, the Clusterfuck Café, keeps our noses to the grindstone of screwing the nation over.
“When we needed someone to utterly botch the pandemic response, Jared stepped up to the plate. Having already not only not brought peace to the Middle East, but made sure violence there continued indefinitely, Trump knew his son-in-law was ready for the big tent. ‘What we really need to fight this virus,’ the President said, ‘is someone with shoes as nice as mine.’ Bingo! There really was no other choice.
“It was Jared that made sure that a nation that manufactured nearly 300,000 airplanes in World War II couldn’t cough up a decent coronavirus test and make it in sufficient numbers before the disease exploded. It was Jared who made the states bid against each other for medical gear, because that prevented socialism. It was Jared who said, ‘If we let each state do its own response, we can unleash a beautiful cascade of clusterfucks, instead of just one big one.’ It was Jared who said, ‘Hey, maybe guns and Confederate flags will stop this virus. Get behind those fools,’ to his father-in-law, when the reopen demonstrations started.
“Behind every bad decision and demonstration of hopeless incompetence, Jared stood strong. He inspired us to mangle this crisis so thoroughly that hundreds of thousands of Americans will needlessly die, and the country will sink into a historic depression. As Ivanka once told her dad, ‘Daddy, my man can really clusterfuck.’ It’s how he got the job.
“Now that he’s declared victory over Covid-19, tears of pride and joy are running down our faces. You just can’t see them because we all have to wear masks now.”