So, while Americans were shouting hosannas, other countries just went right on sinning. The British continued to drink warm beer, the Scots to wear skirts and the French to eat snails, three things that are offensive in the sight of the Lord. The Chinese continued to displease Jesus by making cheap shit that doesn’t work for Walmart. You get the picture. We have to all get together and make prayer noises all at once to scare off the virus.
Hence the Global Day of Repentance. Organized by a bishop out of Malawi, the Day is set up so that each hour of it provides the faithful for another sin to repent of. It starts off with a bang, as Hour One is devoted to “the national sin of failing to honor the House of David, God’s global authority.” Nearly everybody is guilty of this, because they have no idea what it means. The House of David was a Jewish thing, but it’s kept its authority on the down-low for a couple thousand years. Unless they mean George Soros. Which they probably do.
In Hour Ten, you are supposed to repent of the “sin of fearing man instead of fearing God.” Now, men give you plenty of stuff to fear, from crime to road rage to World Wars, but when you give in to fearing scary men, like cartels, guerillas or pirates, you are forgetting that God is the Big Bushwhacker, and when you do that, He is going to line up an earthquake or a tsunami to correct your ass.
In Hour Sixteen, the world gets down to the repenting nitty gritty—it’s time to atone for “the national sin of approving sexual perversions.” As many American pastors have already said, it’s baking gay wedding cakes that has brought us the scourge of this virus, despite clear evidence that what the virus really enjoys is a nice crowded church service, and if there’s a good bake sale afterwards, of strictly heterosexual cakes, it’s all the better. A lot of us have grown lazy about bullying, shaming and randomly assaulting gay people, and God is angry about that, and apparently, He is angriest with the elderly and people with underlying health conditions for their continuing failure to gay-bash.
You might be getting tired or repenting by the time you get to Hour Twenty, and be tempted to say “Screw it, I’m stopping for lunch,” but don’t you dare, because after nineteen hours on your knees, it’s time to repent for your sins of “lukewarmness and apathy.” Thou shalt always give a flying fuck, especially about Jesus. It is the will of God.
At Hour Twenty-Three, we get down to real business. Start repenting for the existence of “humanism and other religions.” It’s your fault that there are three thousand or so religions, and the fact that you belong to the right one entitles you to rampage against all the other ones. God is disgusted by all those “Coexist” bumper stickers, for there is nothing the Almighty enjoys more than a good jihad, or a mighty Crusade, so after you get a little sleep, get out there and spread some religious hatred.
If everyone does this for a whole day, the world will be cleansed of its sins, and the coronavirus will disappear, just like Trump says it will, and it will be all a miracle from God, although Trump will doubtless take credit for it.
But now that I take a closer look at the website, I see that the Global Day of Repentance was last Friday and Saturday, depending on your time zone, and the virus is now prospering just as nicely in a sin-free world as it did in a sinful one.
Forget I said anything.