CORONAVIRUS: For the job, sir.
GOD: Right, right. I’ll be upfront with you. I’m going to be picky here, even though I can’t seem to keep that spot in the plague division filled. SARS, MERS, Ebola—they all came here with great resumes but they couldn’t get the job done. So, you understand My skepticism. I’m looking for a virus that can put up Black Death kind of numbers. Real wrath of Me stuff.
CORONAVIRUS: The bubonic plague is one of my personal heroes, sir. But it’s kind of like asking me to follow Hank Aaron in the batting order. But solid, Spanish flu type stats--those I’m confident I can achieve.
GOD: Well that’s realistic, I guess. (Reaches into desk, whips out a bottle of pills, throws one at the virus)
CORONAVIRUS: (Startled) What was that, sir?
GOD: Hydroxychloroquine. Just checking. Ok, what are your qualifications?
CORONAVIRUS: I spread out like grease on a griddle.
GOD: Good. Killing everybody you touch, right?
CORONAVIRUS: That’s not my style. Some people I don’t make sick at all, but they can give me to other people who die horribly. That means I spread like Stormy Daniels' legs. Automatically. And I’ll touch down everywhere in the world.
GOD: Good. I love my locusts, but it's tough to get those lazy bugs out of Africa and the Middle East. But you do kill people? All firstborn sons would be nice. Remind Me of the old days.
CORONAVIRUS: Yes sir. I mean, I do kill, but not necessarily in birth order. Mostly the elderly, plus diabetics and fat people. But, occasionally, healthy people. Just to keep them on their toes. Once in a while a kid, for the heartbreak value. I’m a disruptor, sir. Once I get out in it, the world will never be the same. Surely you can see that?
GOD: Yeah, maybe. New ways for new times. But I still have a few questions for you. Want to see if you’ll fit into the company culture. How do you feel about going to church?
CORONAVIRUS: I love religious ceremonies. Baptisms to funerals and every crowded service in between. I want people to go to church.
GOD: Well, so do I! That’s a good fit.
CORONAVIRUS: Circulating in the congregation. Mingling during Masses. Whether its lounging with Lutherans or mixing with Methodists, I’m right at home. I don’t mean to flatter, sir, but it will make me feel closer to You.
GOD: Perfect. One other thing. I hate meatpackers. Don’t ask me why.
CORONAVIRUS: Gotcha covered, Boss.
GOD: I think we have something here. Me willing, you’re going to be one of my favorite plagues!
CORONAVIRUS: When do I start?
GOD: It’s more like where. Do you like Chinese?