The US Senate recently passed a bill to make all lynchings federal crimes. “Good deal,” many of you are thinking, and it’s tough to argue with that sentiment, even though the last reported lynching in the US was in 1981, unless you count Epstein, and the two KKK-affiliated perpetrators were convicted under regular, ho-hum homicide laws and sentenced to death and life in prison. So, there was not really a burning necessity for this statute, which is probably true of anything the Senate does unanimously. A law against chasing down joggers and dispatching them to eternity because they picked the wrong street to run down would seem to be more useful, currently.
However, Liberty Counsel, an evangelical group that opposes gay marriage, gay rights and gay cake, and its head honcho, Matt Staver, have stepped up efforts to have prohibitions against lynching someone because of his or her “sexual orientation” or “gender identity” removed from the bill before it passes the House.
I contacted Mr. Staver and he was more than happy to explain his reasoning. “You’re not a religious man,” he said, “so you don’t know how it is to be so full of the love of Jesus that you have to hang a homo.”
It is hard for me to imagine. A lot of people push Christianity because of its eternal niceness.
“Those people need to level up in their approach to faith,” Staver snorted. “Turn-the-other-cheeky Jesus isn’t going to get them into the posher neighborhoods of Heaven. The true vision of Heavenly bliss is one of gays getting all smote upon. The feds are infringing on our religious freedoms by passing laws that forbid us, when we are filled with the Spirit, from swinging gays from the nearest sturdy tree.”
You are aware there are laws that keep you from doing that already, right?
“Sadly, yes. We humble Christians would be persecuted if, in our longing for the joys of eternity, we happened to put to death any homosexuals that were standing between us and the unconditional love of God, no matter how we did it. Lynching would be good. Stoning even better.”
I think the word you’re looking for is ‘prosecuted.’ So, what you’re saying is you’re not going to do murder in the name of Jesus anyway. You’re just going to do regular church stuff—speak in tongues, handle snakes, and have cake and gun sales at your church. What’s the point of your lobbying against the lynch law?
“Everyone has their fantasies. How would you like yours to be made a Federal crime?”
Probably several of mine already are.
“I feel closest to God when I dream of lynching young men, their naked bodies swinging in the sun, their loins bursting with the fruit of youth, praying that they repented of their sins of desiring each other before the rope tightened…”
Jesus Christ, man, are you touching yourself?
“You took the name of the Lord in vain. This interview is over.”
However, Liberty Counsel, an evangelical group that opposes gay marriage, gay rights and gay cake, and its head honcho, Matt Staver, have stepped up efforts to have prohibitions against lynching someone because of his or her “sexual orientation” or “gender identity” removed from the bill before it passes the House.
I contacted Mr. Staver and he was more than happy to explain his reasoning. “You’re not a religious man,” he said, “so you don’t know how it is to be so full of the love of Jesus that you have to hang a homo.”
It is hard for me to imagine. A lot of people push Christianity because of its eternal niceness.
“Those people need to level up in their approach to faith,” Staver snorted. “Turn-the-other-cheeky Jesus isn’t going to get them into the posher neighborhoods of Heaven. The true vision of Heavenly bliss is one of gays getting all smote upon. The feds are infringing on our religious freedoms by passing laws that forbid us, when we are filled with the Spirit, from swinging gays from the nearest sturdy tree.”
You are aware there are laws that keep you from doing that already, right?
“Sadly, yes. We humble Christians would be persecuted if, in our longing for the joys of eternity, we happened to put to death any homosexuals that were standing between us and the unconditional love of God, no matter how we did it. Lynching would be good. Stoning even better.”
I think the word you’re looking for is ‘prosecuted.’ So, what you’re saying is you’re not going to do murder in the name of Jesus anyway. You’re just going to do regular church stuff—speak in tongues, handle snakes, and have cake and gun sales at your church. What’s the point of your lobbying against the lynch law?
“Everyone has their fantasies. How would you like yours to be made a Federal crime?”
Probably several of mine already are.
“I feel closest to God when I dream of lynching young men, their naked bodies swinging in the sun, their loins bursting with the fruit of youth, praying that they repented of their sins of desiring each other before the rope tightened…”
Jesus Christ, man, are you touching yourself?
“You took the name of the Lord in vain. This interview is over.”
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