In a completely unexpected political development, a Terminator from the future walked into the Oval Office and assassinated President Donald Trump, just as the President was composing Twitter attacks on Mahatma Gandhi, because he was under the impression that Gandhi was still alive, and the "so-called" Girl Scouts, because there was a broken cookie in a box they sold him. Afterwards the Terminator held a brief press conference in the Rose Garden before dematerializing back to his own century. Here is the unedited transcript of that press conference:
(Shouts from every corner) Mr. Terminator! Mr. Terminator!
THE TERMINATOR: Yes, the gentleman from the Washington Post.
REPORTER FROM THE POST: Sir, no doubt many people all over the world are thankful for what you have done. Don’t you think, however, that by interfering with the past you may change the future you live in in unknowable ways?
THE TERMINATOR: You mean I would cease to exist? (holds up a massive forearm composed of insanely advanced metal alloys) Am I starting to look transparent to you? (Laughs) Don't worry about all of that temporal paradox, Back to the Future crap. All of our history books tell us that a Terminator from the future appeared one day and assassinated Trump. It has been an ongoing project for the United States of the Future, lasting years and costing billions of digital dollars, to develop both time travel and Terminators, so that one day I could come here and kill Trump before he could screw things up really royally. Yes? The lady from CNN?
CORRESPONDENT FROM CNN: Did you meet any resistance?
THE TERMINATOR: Not much. The Secret Service force present, while all sworn to take a bullet for Trump, decided that resisting an invincible Terminator from the future was not covered by their oaths of service. Steve Bannon pooped his pants explosively when he saw me, if you want to call that resistance. A short video of that incident is available on Twitter under #STEVEBANNONNOTFULLOFSHITANYMORE. Kellyanne Conway escaped by quickly drawing a pentagram inside a circle on the White House floor and disappearing through it in a puff of sulfur. The New York Times has a question?
REPORTER FROM THE NEW YORK TIMES: Do you have other targets to assassinate while you’re in this century?
THE TERMINATOR: It will not be necessary. Mike Pence will be remembered as being one of the most open-minded and fair Presidents ever, because he also saw me kill Trump swiftly and mercilessly. That gave him a whole new attitude right quick. Other people who know they deserve to be Terminated will get the message. Vladimir Putin has messed up his last foreign election and bombed his last hospital. Mitch McConnell will resign his Senate seat and be replaced by Garth Brooks. Paul Ryan will enter the priesthood. Kanye West, Judge Jeannie and Bill Belichick will all drop out of sight. Yes? FOX News?
CORRESPONDENT FROM FOX NEWS: Can you tell us what the future is like?
THE TERMINATOR: Well, we haven’t had FOX News for a couple hundred years (The garden explodes with cheers and laughter), so that’s a good thing. I was told not to be too specific if I was asked this question, so I’ll just say everything in the future is cool and nice. And it’s all because of people in this century. Because now that you know that the future has Terminators, you’re going to be a lot more careful about it.
(Shouts from every corner) Mr. Terminator! Mr. Terminator!
THE TERMINATOR: Yes, the gentleman from the Washington Post.
REPORTER FROM THE POST: Sir, no doubt many people all over the world are thankful for what you have done. Don’t you think, however, that by interfering with the past you may change the future you live in in unknowable ways?
THE TERMINATOR: You mean I would cease to exist? (holds up a massive forearm composed of insanely advanced metal alloys) Am I starting to look transparent to you? (Laughs) Don't worry about all of that temporal paradox, Back to the Future crap. All of our history books tell us that a Terminator from the future appeared one day and assassinated Trump. It has been an ongoing project for the United States of the Future, lasting years and costing billions of digital dollars, to develop both time travel and Terminators, so that one day I could come here and kill Trump before he could screw things up really royally. Yes? The lady from CNN?
CORRESPONDENT FROM CNN: Did you meet any resistance?
THE TERMINATOR: Not much. The Secret Service force present, while all sworn to take a bullet for Trump, decided that resisting an invincible Terminator from the future was not covered by their oaths of service. Steve Bannon pooped his pants explosively when he saw me, if you want to call that resistance. A short video of that incident is available on Twitter under #STEVEBANNONNOTFULLOFSHITANYMORE. Kellyanne Conway escaped by quickly drawing a pentagram inside a circle on the White House floor and disappearing through it in a puff of sulfur. The New York Times has a question?
REPORTER FROM THE NEW YORK TIMES: Do you have other targets to assassinate while you’re in this century?
THE TERMINATOR: It will not be necessary. Mike Pence will be remembered as being one of the most open-minded and fair Presidents ever, because he also saw me kill Trump swiftly and mercilessly. That gave him a whole new attitude right quick. Other people who know they deserve to be Terminated will get the message. Vladimir Putin has messed up his last foreign election and bombed his last hospital. Mitch McConnell will resign his Senate seat and be replaced by Garth Brooks. Paul Ryan will enter the priesthood. Kanye West, Judge Jeannie and Bill Belichick will all drop out of sight. Yes? FOX News?
CORRESPONDENT FROM FOX NEWS: Can you tell us what the future is like?
THE TERMINATOR: Well, we haven’t had FOX News for a couple hundred years (The garden explodes with cheers and laughter), so that’s a good thing. I was told not to be too specific if I was asked this question, so I’ll just say everything in the future is cool and nice. And it’s all because of people in this century. Because now that you know that the future has Terminators, you’re going to be a lot more careful about it.
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