Kellyanne Conway called me yesterday. I was surprised to hear from her, but she quickly explained that no one else in the media is willing to talk to her anymore. “Screw CNN and MSNBC,” she said. “Their insistence on me being honest with them is the epitome of fake news.”
I’m not following that exactly, Kellyanne, but everything published here is fake, so you’re always welcome. It’s been a tough week for the Trump Administration, what with Michael Flynn being forced to resign.
“Wasn’t that a bitch? I told Michael to keep his mouth shut around Mike Pence ever since I overheard him muttering to himself ‘President Pence—doesn’t that just roll of the tongue?’ in the Situation Room loo, but Flynn’s always been a blabbermouth. He was just planning to exchange recipes for Christmas cookies when he put that call into the Russians--Michael makes a mean batch of Christmas cookies, you know--but they got to yacking about sanctions instead. The National Security Advisor needs to know when to keep his mouth shut. Just like those traitorous leakers over at the CIA and FBI.”
You mean the ones that are saying that Trump is tighter with the Russians than a pair of yoga pants on Mama June?
“Exactly. They should report that to Trump, not the Washington Post. And the President is not cool with the security briefings he’s been getting from America’s spies.”
I heard that the CIA doesn’t share all its info with Trump because they’re afraid it goes right to the Kremlin.
“Well, they better not say that out loud, but yeah, we suspect it. I mean, you expect more out of a top secret intelligence briefing than the spy guy saying ‘Totally globally cool,‘ or ‘Everything is okey-dokey, artichokee,’ which is what we’ve been getting. And we specifically asked for a world map with all the nations marked as ‘good,’ ‘bad,’ or ‘Who gives a crap?’ weeks ago, so we could proceed with international diplomacy.”
And they wouldn’t give you one?
“Sure, but it was wrong. Mexico was marked as good and Russia was down as bad, and Uruguay as ‘who gives a crap?’ so we sent it back.”
Who does give a crap about Uruguay?
“The President, because he has a golf course there. The CIA is completely indifferent to the problems of golf-course-owning Americans is what Donald Trump has found, which is another reason why he doesn’t trust them bigly.”
I don’t know how the US is going to deal with threats around the world if the President doesn’t get any info from the CIA.
“Oh, we’ll be fine. Steve Bannon has a big globe in his office. If we have to act, he just spins it and puts a cigarette out on it. Wherever the scorch mark is, we send American troops. Any other questions?”
Yeah, what did you tell Mike Pence when he discovered you in the men’s room with him?
“He was worried I was transgendered, because if I was, it would be against his Christian faith to pee next to me. I told him to chill out—I was just using the alternative ladies room.”
I’m not following that exactly, Kellyanne, but everything published here is fake, so you’re always welcome. It’s been a tough week for the Trump Administration, what with Michael Flynn being forced to resign.
“Wasn’t that a bitch? I told Michael to keep his mouth shut around Mike Pence ever since I overheard him muttering to himself ‘President Pence—doesn’t that just roll of the tongue?’ in the Situation Room loo, but Flynn’s always been a blabbermouth. He was just planning to exchange recipes for Christmas cookies when he put that call into the Russians--Michael makes a mean batch of Christmas cookies, you know--but they got to yacking about sanctions instead. The National Security Advisor needs to know when to keep his mouth shut. Just like those traitorous leakers over at the CIA and FBI.”
You mean the ones that are saying that Trump is tighter with the Russians than a pair of yoga pants on Mama June?
“Exactly. They should report that to Trump, not the Washington Post. And the President is not cool with the security briefings he’s been getting from America’s spies.”
I heard that the CIA doesn’t share all its info with Trump because they’re afraid it goes right to the Kremlin.
“Well, they better not say that out loud, but yeah, we suspect it. I mean, you expect more out of a top secret intelligence briefing than the spy guy saying ‘Totally globally cool,‘ or ‘Everything is okey-dokey, artichokee,’ which is what we’ve been getting. And we specifically asked for a world map with all the nations marked as ‘good,’ ‘bad,’ or ‘Who gives a crap?’ weeks ago, so we could proceed with international diplomacy.”
And they wouldn’t give you one?
“Sure, but it was wrong. Mexico was marked as good and Russia was down as bad, and Uruguay as ‘who gives a crap?’ so we sent it back.”
Who does give a crap about Uruguay?
“The President, because he has a golf course there. The CIA is completely indifferent to the problems of golf-course-owning Americans is what Donald Trump has found, which is another reason why he doesn’t trust them bigly.”
I don’t know how the US is going to deal with threats around the world if the President doesn’t get any info from the CIA.
“Oh, we’ll be fine. Steve Bannon has a big globe in his office. If we have to act, he just spins it and puts a cigarette out on it. Wherever the scorch mark is, we send American troops. Any other questions?”
Yeah, what did you tell Mike Pence when he discovered you in the men’s room with him?
“He was worried I was transgendered, because if I was, it would be against his Christian faith to pee next to me. I told him to chill out—I was just using the alternative ladies room.”
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