Likes movies about gladiators? Secretary of War Hegseth says soldiers to get testosterone levels checked--News Item
Intrigued by all this testosterone talk, this reporter contacted a source at the Pentagon. Although he refused to give his name, insisting upon going by Colonel Max Test, he was not shy about discussing the War Department’s new program of doling out testosterone to American warriors.
“I’m a prime example of the new t-fueled soldier,” he boasted. “I’ve got more testosterone in me than a whole WWE fight card, even if you threw in Linda McMahon. All I can think of is assaulting the enemy.”
“But we’re in Washington, DC.”
“Yeah, I know. I had to wreck a taco truck on my way here, because of my newfound love of pointless violence. Like that pilot did when he buzzed that beach in Florida, sending kids and umbrellas flying along the sand. He’s a high-t warrior, too.”
“A lot of people in bathing suits were really frightened by that.”
“Bah! They didn’t have enough testosterone in their systems to appreciate it. If they were all cranked up on t, like they should be, they would have grabbed those umbrellas and flown along with him.”
“Like Mary Poppins?”
“Not the example I would have chosen, smartass. Pete Hegseth’s got the right idea. The reason we’re not kicking Iranian ass is because Iranian guys have more testosterone than American men.”
“And you know this how? And why?”
“It’s in a top-secret study that I’m going to leak to you right now. Why? Well, it’s apparently because Iranian men eat goat meat, which is naturally high in hormones, and wear dresses all the time, leaving their balls hanging free to absorb testosterone from the atmosphere. But we can’t get American fighting men to eat goat or wear dresses, because the Department of War doesn’t have drag queen story hour, and Biden left all our goat meat MRE’s behind in Afghanistan for the Taliban to snarf. Hence, we gotta give them the t-jab.”
“Are you sure that the War Department isn’t just trying to buff out American soldiers because Pete Hegseth likes to be surrounded by handsome young white men with rippling abs?”
“No! Why would you even think that?”
“He really seems to enjoys hanging out with buff guys. Also, the Secretary is keenly aware of his personal appearance. He wears a lot of makeup.”
“That’s all in the interest of combat readiness. That’s Muscle Mascara around his eyes. The pink sheen on his cheeks is Blood of the Enemy Blush. The product he puts in his hair is Flattop Fighter Frenzy Gel. It’s made from the grease on aircraft carrier catapults.”
“Still, it looks like he spends as much time fighting gay impulses as he does fighting wars.”
“Bullshit! There’s no more manly man than the Secretary. Doesn’t he constantly get married and then cheat on his wives?”
“Could be overcompensating. Do yourself and me a favor.”
“What’s that?”
“Ask him if he likes movies about gladiators.”
Intrigued by all this testosterone talk, this reporter contacted a source at the Pentagon. Although he refused to give his name, insisting upon going by Colonel Max Test, he was not shy about discussing the War Department’s new program of doling out testosterone to American warriors.
“I’m a prime example of the new t-fueled soldier,” he boasted. “I’ve got more testosterone in me than a whole WWE fight card, even if you threw in Linda McMahon. All I can think of is assaulting the enemy.”
“But we’re in Washington, DC.”
“Yeah, I know. I had to wreck a taco truck on my way here, because of my newfound love of pointless violence. Like that pilot did when he buzzed that beach in Florida, sending kids and umbrellas flying along the sand. He’s a high-t warrior, too.”
“A lot of people in bathing suits were really frightened by that.”
“Bah! They didn’t have enough testosterone in their systems to appreciate it. If they were all cranked up on t, like they should be, they would have grabbed those umbrellas and flown along with him.”
“Like Mary Poppins?”
“Not the example I would have chosen, smartass. Pete Hegseth’s got the right idea. The reason we’re not kicking Iranian ass is because Iranian guys have more testosterone than American men.”
“And you know this how? And why?”
“It’s in a top-secret study that I’m going to leak to you right now. Why? Well, it’s apparently because Iranian men eat goat meat, which is naturally high in hormones, and wear dresses all the time, leaving their balls hanging free to absorb testosterone from the atmosphere. But we can’t get American fighting men to eat goat or wear dresses, because the Department of War doesn’t have drag queen story hour, and Biden left all our goat meat MRE’s behind in Afghanistan for the Taliban to snarf. Hence, we gotta give them the t-jab.”
“Are you sure that the War Department isn’t just trying to buff out American soldiers because Pete Hegseth likes to be surrounded by handsome young white men with rippling abs?”
“No! Why would you even think that?”
“He really seems to enjoys hanging out with buff guys. Also, the Secretary is keenly aware of his personal appearance. He wears a lot of makeup.”
“That’s all in the interest of combat readiness. That’s Muscle Mascara around his eyes. The pink sheen on his cheeks is Blood of the Enemy Blush. The product he puts in his hair is Flattop Fighter Frenzy Gel. It’s made from the grease on aircraft carrier catapults.”
“Still, it looks like he spends as much time fighting gay impulses as he does fighting wars.”
“Bullshit! There’s no more manly man than the Secretary. Doesn’t he constantly get married and then cheat on his wives?”
“Could be overcompensating. Do yourself and me a favor.”
“What’s that?”
“Ask him if he likes movies about gladiators.”
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