The Siren of Spin, Trump campaign director Kellyanne Conway, made the announcement at a hastily called press conference. “Mr. Trump has realized his error in apologizing for his direct approach to picking up women, and would like to announce that he will not be saying he’s sorry for anything he has ever done or said to any woman ever, as long as Bill Clinton is alive.”
When pressed to explain her remarks, Conway said, “While Bill Clinton is out there, doing whatever he wants to unsuspecting females, Mr. Trump feels that his serial mauling of the odd babelicious honey here and there represents a necessary counterweight to Clinton’s predations. Think of it as being like Russia and the US. Both have nuclear weapons in their national trousers, but neither one chooses to use them.”
When a reporter from the Washington Post pointed out that analogy didn’t make any more sense than the lyrics from the pop song “Don’t Go Chasing Waterfalls,” Conway snapped back, “That’s the trouble with you liberal media types. Mr. Trump is trying to make a point about the serious problem of nuclear war, and all you clowns want to talk about is poon.”
Going on, Conway said, “The only regret the candidate has about the incident is that he employed a standard slang term for the object in question. Going forward, Mr. Trump would like to assure the American people that he not only can use the word ‘pussy’ correctly, but is also familiar with related expressions such as ‘clam,’ ‘beaver,’ and ‘love taco.’ A strong President needs to know what people mean when they say ‘snatch,’ ‘muff’ or ‘furburger.’ Furthermore, nothing exudes strength like a well-executed assault on a hair pie. President Trump will bring America back from the brink of international candyassedness, where the present weak Obama administration has left us, by demonstrating his resolve to deftly hit America’s foes, and also any stray tang wandering around the White House grounds.”
One reporter shouted out, “Is Donald Trump familiar with the expression ‘yoni?”
“Of course,” Conway replied. “But he would never use that term, because it sounds like something Chinese, and Mr. Trump does not like Chinese people, although he does not like them in the most non-racist way possible. He would probably use a sturdy American term such as ‘coochie’ or ‘wazoo.’
Conway then concluded the press conference despite a chorus of shouted questions, pausing only to give a grinning thumbs up to one reporter’s inquiry as to whether Trump had ever massaged her own vajayjay.