We don't just try and look tough anymore There’s been a change in the gut-factor in American politics over the last few years. Since as long ago as the sixties, conservatives have always advocated meatier solutions to pressing problems. They have always held the edge in perceived bravery and manliness. Even as liberals mocked them for being macho and simplistic, they knew in their faint lefty hearts that anytime a Republican opened a can of whup-ass on them, they were going to get a beatdown.
Liberals had “Kumbaya.” Conservatives had “The Ballad of the Green Beret.” Liberals had Earth Day. Conservatives had Agent Orange. Conservatives had Reagan. Liberals had Michael Dukakis. Conservatives had the War on Drugs. Liberals used drugs.
But all this has changed. You can blame Obama for it, and you probably will, but now the cajones of America definitely hang to the left in the national tighty-whities. Democrats are the studs and Gop-ers are the wuss-cakes. Don’t try to deny it—the party that gave us Shock and Awe now wants us to attend fetus funerals.
Just consider the boldness of the Dems on the pressing issues of the day:
We walk around unarmed. We are not afraid to go about our daily business even though we’re not strapping. We laugh off the possibility that we will encounter a hail of hostile gunfire while we are hitting the bank, the mall and the Pancake House, while cowering conservatives won’t go out to their tool sheds without a Glock and a couple spare clips in their pocket.
We do this mindful of the fact that people who own heat are far more likely to shoot themselves or a family member than to get a chance to bullet a terrorist. So we have to admit that conservatives are not afraid to shoot themselves to advance the cause of public safety. So maybe a bit of a wash there.
But for sure we are not afraid God will send us to hell for baking gay wedding cakes. This is theoretical for me, since I don’t bake cakes. If I did bake you a cake, you might well be excused for being afraid to eat it. But it has nothing to do with gay. Or God.
We don’t lie awake at night worrying about illegal immigrants picking their way through our lawn sprinklers to rape us unless we build a wall between us and Mexico. We’re good with Mexico.
We’re not afraid of Iran, either.
We don’t whine about being persecuted for our religion because we don’t get to put up big religious murals and monuments in the courthouse, and then have to issue marriage licenses to same-sex couples anyway. And we don’t think that Christians are persecuting us, even when the constant bonging of their church bells keeps us from sleeping off our hangovers on Sunday.
We aren't afraid of transgender rapists in ladies' rooms. We're not afraid of closet monsters, either. Not being afraid of things that don't exist is easy, and we recommend you guys try it sometime. Think of it as a baby step towards recovering your missing huevos.
We kidnap bison because they look cold. Can you fit a baby bison into a Prius, you right-wing pansies?
This, it turns out, was not a good idea. I didn’t say we were all smart. In fact, a recent survey regarding the bombing of Agrobah had some bad news for the left side. In the original study, Republicans were asked if we should bomb Agrobah, which happens to be a Disney cartoon city. Forty-one percent of the respondents answered with a clear-cut “Yes!”
In a follow-up, Democrats were asked if we should let in refugees from Agrobah, and forty-four percent of them said “You bet!”
It is a comfort that a majority on both sides of the political spectrum either knew that Agrobah was the Disney place where Aladdin got crunk with his homies, or had the sense to ask “Where the hell is Agrobah?” before answering the question.
To my critics who rush to point out that the survey at least proves that liberals are 3% dumber than conservatives, I say “Within the range of statistical error, obviously.”
So we may not be any smarter. But nowadays we’re braver.
Liberals had “Kumbaya.” Conservatives had “The Ballad of the Green Beret.” Liberals had Earth Day. Conservatives had Agent Orange. Conservatives had Reagan. Liberals had Michael Dukakis. Conservatives had the War on Drugs. Liberals used drugs.
But all this has changed. You can blame Obama for it, and you probably will, but now the cajones of America definitely hang to the left in the national tighty-whities. Democrats are the studs and Gop-ers are the wuss-cakes. Don’t try to deny it—the party that gave us Shock and Awe now wants us to attend fetus funerals.
Just consider the boldness of the Dems on the pressing issues of the day:
We walk around unarmed. We are not afraid to go about our daily business even though we’re not strapping. We laugh off the possibility that we will encounter a hail of hostile gunfire while we are hitting the bank, the mall and the Pancake House, while cowering conservatives won’t go out to their tool sheds without a Glock and a couple spare clips in their pocket.
We do this mindful of the fact that people who own heat are far more likely to shoot themselves or a family member than to get a chance to bullet a terrorist. So we have to admit that conservatives are not afraid to shoot themselves to advance the cause of public safety. So maybe a bit of a wash there.
But for sure we are not afraid God will send us to hell for baking gay wedding cakes. This is theoretical for me, since I don’t bake cakes. If I did bake you a cake, you might well be excused for being afraid to eat it. But it has nothing to do with gay. Or God.
We don’t lie awake at night worrying about illegal immigrants picking their way through our lawn sprinklers to rape us unless we build a wall between us and Mexico. We’re good with Mexico.
We’re not afraid of Iran, either.
We don’t whine about being persecuted for our religion because we don’t get to put up big religious murals and monuments in the courthouse, and then have to issue marriage licenses to same-sex couples anyway. And we don’t think that Christians are persecuting us, even when the constant bonging of their church bells keeps us from sleeping off our hangovers on Sunday.
We aren't afraid of transgender rapists in ladies' rooms. We're not afraid of closet monsters, either. Not being afraid of things that don't exist is easy, and we recommend you guys try it sometime. Think of it as a baby step towards recovering your missing huevos.
We kidnap bison because they look cold. Can you fit a baby bison into a Prius, you right-wing pansies?
This, it turns out, was not a good idea. I didn’t say we were all smart. In fact, a recent survey regarding the bombing of Agrobah had some bad news for the left side. In the original study, Republicans were asked if we should bomb Agrobah, which happens to be a Disney cartoon city. Forty-one percent of the respondents answered with a clear-cut “Yes!”
In a follow-up, Democrats were asked if we should let in refugees from Agrobah, and forty-four percent of them said “You bet!”
It is a comfort that a majority on both sides of the political spectrum either knew that Agrobah was the Disney place where Aladdin got crunk with his homies, or had the sense to ask “Where the hell is Agrobah?” before answering the question.
To my critics who rush to point out that the survey at least proves that liberals are 3% dumber than conservatives, I say “Within the range of statistical error, obviously.”
So we may not be any smarter. But nowadays we’re braver.
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