Ol’ Dave had some arresting things to say, after averring that we were on the brink of a religious revival comparable to the Great Awakening, which no one beside him and Neil Gorsuch believes. “Never underestimate God,” he advises us, followed by, “God will start to operated more openly.”
All spoken as if he had a direct line of communication with the Almighty. I don’t know about him, but I do have a direct line of communication with the Deity. We Skype sometimes. He used to appear to me in person, but now I, at least, prefer Skype. By tilting the computer at the right angle, I can avoid Him seeing all the mess and empty beer cans in the background. I realize that He can see anything He wants—I’m just thinking He doesn’t need to see that.
So, I messaged Him, and about a half-hour later He got back to me. I ran Dave’s ideas by Him and He snorted. “Sure, you ought not to underestimate Me. I’m All-Powerful. But what people don't understand is that All-Powerful doesn’t mean the same thing as really interested. So, he’s kind of right, but it sounds like he expects me to care. I have had enough expectations foisted on me by donut-gobbling Baptists that I’m rock-bottom bored with them. And boredom goes a long way when you’re an Eternal Being.
“As far as starting to operate more openly, that’s a hard pass. Shady as fuck is the way I roll. And it’s all your fault. Not you personally—nobody cares what you say. Nobody cares what you pray, either, and nobody means Me, so if you start wafting some piteous yowlings aloft like some so many of your friends do, just because I take your calls, I’m changing my username, kapisch?”
“No, it’s you guys in general. For every guy who’s praying for Me to cure them of cancer, there’s another praying to collect his life insurance money. For every quarterback praying for a touchdown, there’s a defensive back imploring me for an interception. For every war, there’s a bishop with a long dress and a funny hat on each side praying to Me to slaughter their enemies. For every plane crash—well, scratch that one. Nobody prays for planes to crash…well, the terrorists do sometimes…you see why the whole ‘operate more openly,’ thing sticks in My craw?
I’m starting to. What about this article, which says the opposite-- young people are rejecting church?
"That is My deal. That's why it's My Will that most of them have to work retail during the day and drive Uber at night just to survive. Keeps them out of the congregations.
“But, for the most part, I’m continuing to stay on the down low. Every once in a while, I let a high school basketball team sink one at the buzzer. Or I grant some Buddhist Asian immigrant his wish to win the lottery, just so all the white people who lose can complain about real Americans never winning it. Or I let Rush Limbaugh die of cancer. No prayer really involved in that one. I just enjoyed it.
But what about Trump?
“WAS THAT A REQUEST?”
No. Sorry. Never mind.
“Better be Me-damn certain it wasn’t.”