Author Richard Cahill's Website--Living By Our Motto:"There Are No Stupid Questions, Just Stupid People Asking Questions Everybody else already knows the answer to."

Somehow, clicking idly along the Net the other day, I ran across a Fox editorial by David Marcus. I don’t know who David Marcus is, but I suspect he’s one of those people who look at all-white fundamentalist churches praying in unison against Democrats, critical race theory and Mexicans, and feels the power of their righteousness so deeply he almost pees himself.
 
Ol’ Dave had some arresting things to say, after averring that we were on the brink of a religious revival comparable to the Great Awakening, which no one beside him and Neil Gorsuch believes. “Never underestimate God,” he advises us, followed by, “God will start to operated more openly.”
 
All spoken as if he had a direct line of communication with the Almighty. I don’t know about him, but I do have a direct line of communication with the Deity. We Skype sometimes. He used to appear to me in person, but now I, at least, prefer Skype. By tilting the computer at the right angle, I can avoid Him seeing all the mess and empty beer cans in the background. I realize that He can see anything He wants—I’m just thinking He doesn’t need to see that.
 
So, I messaged Him, and about a half-hour later He got back to me. I ran Dave’s ideas by Him and He snorted. “Sure, you ought not to underestimate Me. I’m All-Powerful. But what people don't understand is that All-Powerful doesn’t mean the same thing as really interested. So, he’s kind of right, but it sounds like he expects me to care. I have had enough expectations foisted on me by donut-gobbling Baptists that I’m rock-bottom bored with them. And boredom goes a long way when you’re an Eternal Being.
 
“As far as starting to operate more openly, that’s a hard pass. Shady as fuck is the way I roll. And it’s all your fault. Not you personally—nobody cares what you say. Nobody cares what you pray, either, and nobody means Me, so if you start wafting some piteous yowlings aloft like some so many of your friends do, just because I take your calls, I’m changing my username, kapisch?”
 
Got it.
 
“No, it’s you guys in general. For every guy who’s praying for Me to cure them of cancer, there’s another praying to collect his life insurance money. For every quarterback praying for a touchdown, there’s a defensive back imploring me for an interception. For every war, there’s a bishop with a long dress and a funny hat on each side praying to Me to slaughter their enemies. For every plane crash—well, scratch that one. Nobody prays for planes to crash…well, the terrorists do sometimes…you see why the whole ‘operate more openly,’ thing sticks in My craw?
 
I’m starting to. What about this article, which says the opposite-- young people are rejecting church?

"That is My deal. That's why it's My Will that most of them have to work retail during the day and drive Uber at night just to survive. Keeps them out of the congregations. 
 
“But, for the most part, I’m continuing to stay on the down low. Every once in a while, I let a high school basketball team sink one at the buzzer. Or I grant some Buddhist Asian immigrant his wish to win the lottery, just so all the white people who lose can complain about real Americans never winning it. Or I let Rush Limbaugh die of cancer. No prayer really involved in that one. I just enjoyed it.
 
But what about Trump?
 
“WAS THAT A REQUEST?”
 
No. Sorry. Never mind.
 
“Better be Me-damn certain it wasn’t.”

​Perennially panic-stricken Fox personality Tucker Carlson is deeply worried about sagging testosterone counts in American males.
 
Officially, he’s not worried about his own t-count. I don’t know why—any American guy who has ever been in even one bar fight, no matter how badly he lost it, takes a look at Tucker Carlson and thinks to himself, “Well, I could kick his ass for sure.”
 
There is some evidence that testosterone levels in Western countries are falling, although with Jackass movies still being made and watched and teenagers wearing bulletproof vests shooting at other with live ammunition, some people think they are not falling fast enough.
 
Most experts think the decline is due to environmental factors, but Tucker thinks us guys are just not getting enough sun on our cajones. Testicle tanning, he claims, results in hormonal surges for those with heroically sun-browned nut sacks.
 
He offers little evidence to support this theory. History doesn’t really back it up, either. Vikings, whose only career option was raping and pillaging, activities which require huge stones, carried out their raids with testicles of pure alabaster, owing to the cold climate and constant cloud cover over their native Scandinavia. There are many photos of D-Day, and not one shows any hero of that greatest amphibious battle in history snagging some rays on his balls prior to storming ashore. If the bravery of Navy Seals could be explained by them exposing their bulging trouser tangerines to sunshine, in a secret training ritual called Operation SPF Zero, why hasn’t this secret leaked out?
 
Volodymyr Zelensky, the man with the heaviest documented sack weight on the planet, has not confessed to sneaking off to a bomb shelter with a sunlamp and dropping his pants to his socks in front of it. Maybe he does do that, though. Tucker’s just asking questions.
 
Tucker has a lot of viewers, though, and, sadly, mostly of them are people whose drooping gonads nobody wants to see, i.e., old white guys. It could get quite disgusting out there. Plus, we could be looking at an epidemic of scrotal skin cancer. All dermatologists will now have to ask their patients if they watch Tucker. If they say yes, then the skin docs will know that they have to check their testicles for melanoma.
 
It's the nutjob nut check.
 
Modern problems require modern solutions.

After Tucker Carlson’s latest, and in the opinion of some, most peculiar assault on American culture yet, his angry ranting about the Green M&M’s footwear, a casual observer might think it’s time the Tuckster backed down and went back to libeling real people, like perennial testicle-moistener Ted Cruz.
 
That’s not going to happen, said a Fox News spokesperson. Perhaps in an attempt to surpass his Fox colleague Candace Owens' over-the-top meltdown over Minnie Mouse wearing a pantsuit, Tucker promises to spend the next week going after Joe Biden’s new cat.
 
“Look, this is a woke kitty. A regular Democat. Tucker will be deconstructing the left-wing lie machine’s characterization of Willow as just another cat that likes to lie on the kitchen counter and have a full food dish. Think of the new Biden pet as a feline version of AOC, prowling full-time around the White House purring about defunding the police and keeping the border open for drug smugglers and child rapists.”
 
Aren’t you afraid even more people are going to start thinking Carlson needs some new meds as well as a new haircut?
 
“Nonsense. Most cats have left-wing agendas, and Willow is no exception. Stalin and Mao Zedong both had cats. Do you believe that?
 
No.
 
“Well, our viewers will. Presidents should have better pets, anyway. Like dogs.”
 
Biden has a dog.
 
“A dog that lives in fear of that Marxist guerilla of a cat that Sleepy Joe has allowed to infiltrate Pennsylvania Avenue. We might devote a whole episode to the reign of terror that Willow is inflicting on Commander. One Communist-inspired swipe with her paw might cause the whole New Pet Order to come crashing down.”
 
Shouldn’t you be worried that by pointing out that the White House is now pet-friendly, you’ll remind Trump voters, many of whom have six or eight coon dogs sleeping under their porches, that Trump hates all animals and never even let his kids have so much as a goldfish when they were growing up?
 
“No. And besides, God forbid, if Trump isn’t the Republican nominee in 2024, all of the back-up Republicans have pets.”
 
Really?
 
“Really. I mean, Rand Paul has four dogs now, to keep his new neighbor at bay. Tom Cotton has a monkey who has been trained to follow him around wearing the uniform of a US Army staff sergeant, just in case anyone forgets Cotton was once in the military. Not that anyone really considers her a Republican anymore, but Liz Cheney keeps a buffalo to remind herself she’s from Wyoming. Josh Hawley has a snake, naturally.”
 
What about the current runner-up? DeSantis?
 
"He's got a frozen iguana."

​Used to be, if you wanted to watch a good fight, with plenty of yelling and an occasional punch being thrown, your best bet was to go a dive bar called Floyd’s, or Rick’s Place, or the Dewdrop Inn. About 12:30 am on a Friday or Saturday night at one of these establishments, and there’s at least one in every town, there was a good chance that a rumble would erupt over a game of pool, or the quality of the high school football team, or maybe your slightly amorous aunt visiting from Kentucky, and somebody’s nose would get bloodied and the furniture get a little more broken up than it already was.
 
That didn’t always happen, natch. Many a weekend night at Big Al’s would tick away in a drunken stupor, with no violence being offered.
 
But America is always improving itself, and now brawls are regularly scheduled and funded by the state. I’m talking about school board meetings, and how some people are violently objecting to educated people running the educational system.
 
Why are these people pepper-spraying the principal? In theory, Americans want their kids to be better off than they are. A guy who’s worked thirty years in a lumber mill and only has eight fingers left wants his kids to go to college and get an office job. Conversely, though, he doesn’t their education to make them any smarter than he is.
 
He especially doesn’t want them to be “ashamed of being white.” These are kids we’re talking about here. Kids are ashamed of lots of things, but being white is way down on the list. They’re ashamed of their bodies, their clothes, their position on their school’s popularity depth chart, and of still taking the bus to high school after they’re old enough to drive. Hell, they are probably way more ashamed of their Eight-Fingered-Dad than they are of their Caucasian heritage.
 
Dad and Mom are in an uproar, though, because Tucker Carlson is telling them that critical race theory, which is actually only taught in college and graduate schools, is being spoon-fed to preschoolers right after they wake up from naptime. They’re out in the parking lot, slashing school board member’s tires out of fear that somehow, someway, their kids will find out that some white people did not always behave perfectly nicely to black and brown people in the nation’s past.

​If that school board member is black, the irony is totally lost on them. Trust me on this.
 
The lazy haters just send educators vivid death threats on social media and by email.
 
The problem has become so pervasive that the US Attorney General has launched an investigation. No less a Republican than Mitch McConnell has objected to this. Republicans in general hate it when Democrats try to solve a problem, but Mitch is usually too busy stuffing his pockets with donor money and torpedoing his old pal Joe Biden’s Presidency to chime in on the culture wars. He sees an opportunity here, though, to gin up the base against their perceived enemies, people who got A’s in high school and black people, who, with all the white people running around being ashamed, would probably make even more rap music.
 
A guy running for governor of Virginia put it even more bluntly. "If parents don't have a say-so in terms of their kid's education, then who does?" he Tweeted, putting himself firmly on the side of parents so concerned about their kids’ education that they bring bear spray to school board meetings and threaten to use it to make sure their kids don’t learn anything they don’t like, only things that they do.
 
Bye, bye, slavery. Hello, Q-Anon.

​Tucker Carlson, highly-rated sputterer of senselessness, burst onto the nighttime cable waves last week with a major scoop about the US military covid vaccine mandate, claiming it was an effort by Joe Biden to weed “Christians and men with high testosterone” out of the US military.
 
Why Christians are particularly eager to get their numbers thinned by Covid is left to the imagination. Men with high testosterone are presumably ready to go to the mat with the virus at any time, sneering at death and being intubated on a respirator like any manly man should.
 
Carlson also claimed that the vaccine mandate was designed to weed out disobedient soldiers, although the military usually promotes the virtue of obedience, particularly in the arena of obeying orders, and one of the standing orders in the military is that its members take almost every vaccine ever formulated, including ones that aren’t even recommended for regular Americans unless they book a cruise up the most microbe-infested tributary of the Amazon.
 
Whether it’s taking a vaccine or a machine gun nest, the US military expects you to do what you’re told.
 
It is odd that Tucker should go on this rage-bender about testosterone, since even his biggest fans would hardly consider him a fount of male hormones. Nobody looks at Tucker, a downy-faced 50-something year old and says to themselves, “That dude is a walking test-fest. I would probably get a contact boner just by touching him.”
 
In fact, Tucker was recently accosted in a public by a man who identified him as “the worst human being in the world.” Tucker did not inflict a beat-down on his critic on the spot, as would any guy with an above-average amount of t coursing through his red-blooded American arteries would. He backed meekly away.
 
I mean, almost anybody who regularly appears on Fox looks like they could kick Tucker’s ass. Hannity, certainly. He’d stand a better chance with Laura Ingraham, but my money is still on Laura. Ann Coulter? Tucker would breathe his last underneath her sharpened hooves.
 
Geraldo? Ok, maybe he could take Geraldo.
 
There are certain people that belong on the high-testosterone pantheon on which Tucker longs to be placed himself. Hulk Hogan. Dwayne Johnson, although the Rock seems pretty affable for a guy who loses more testosterone when he clips his fingernails that Carlson will ever have in his whole life. Or UFC fighter Conor McGregor, who is so whopping full of testosterone that he has never said anything that didn’t get him in trouble in his entire career.
 
Hmmm…maybe I’m missing the point about Tucker.

Matt Gaetz, showboat Congressperson with a side gig of avoiding indictment, spoke out on the topic of critical race theory the other day, and contributed something marginally less intelligent than he left in the Capitol restroom the last time he went there. He claimed Russia has a significant military advantage over the US because the white people in Russia don’t feel guilty about being racists.
 
He may have missed the mark on this, both because no matter how much thoughtful history you have been exposed to, ruminating on it is not the first thing you do when you are swept into battle. I’m just guessing this, I have to admit. I have never been in combat. It is probably far scarier than having the airplane you are traveling in struck by lightning or having to make an emergency landing after one of your plane’s engines caught on fire, two (separate) situations I have been in. Neither one of them caused me to start thinking about our nation’s fraught racial history. “Man, I hope my ass gets out of this alive!” is about the most profound thing even the most adept of thinkers can manage when the oxygen masks drop.
 
The genius in Gaetz’s making a big deal about CRT is that most of the people who vote for him don’t know what “critical” means. They think that it means the same thing as “criticize,” and they don’t like to be criticized, especially by people that got A’s and B’s in high school. The only theory they know of is the theory of evolution, which they know is taught by Satan. So out in backwoods Florida, they’re nodding their heads in agreement with Gaetz, and saying, “That Matt Gaetz is a good congressman. Sure, he may have had sex with a 17-year-old girl, but we’ve all done that, and she wasn’t even his stepsister!”
 
After a brief break, and they finish thanking Jesus for PornHub, they flip on Tucker Carlson, and he’s also having a bizarre meltdown over critical race theory. Tucker wants teachers in the US to be required to wear bodycams to make sure they’re not letting slip any facets of CRT to American students. Carlson, who recently claimed he was being spied on by the government, and was wildly irritated by that, wants to make sure the government is able to spy on every classroom in America to make sure the version of history Tucker reads while his mom cuts his hair is the one being taught at schools. Tucker doesn’t mind castrating the First Amendment like it was a sweaty hog on a hot Iowa farm, apparently.
 
Meanwhile, his bosses at Fox News are blaring clips of Trump arguing that teachers should be armed. So, in the Fox classroom of the future, the teachers will  wear a bodycam and pack a pistol.
 
At that point, who’s going to blame them if they get a sudden urge to kill unarmed black guys?

Wisconsin Republican Sen. Ron Johnson is under fire after he said during an interview that he may have felt threatened in the Jan. 6 Capitol riot if Black Lives Matter protesters and members of Antifa had been the ones storming the Capitol. “Even though those thousands of people that were marching to the Capitol were trying to pressure people like me to vote the way they wanted me to vote, I knew those were people that love this country, that truly respect law enforcement, would never do anything to break the law, and so I wasn’t concerned,” Johnson said during an interview.
 
If the Senator had publicly admitted taking mescaline regularly while sitting in his Senate chambers, the result for his personal reputation could not have been worse. Johnson himself admitted that he “might get in trouble,” for serving up this steaming plate of racist comfort food on a local radio show in his home state of Wisconsin.
 
Whether Johnson passed the afternoon of the Capitol riot in complete tranquility, confident that a bunch of armed, agitated drunks would not mistake him for Chuck Schumer and hang him accidentally, is known only to those who were hustled off to hide with him in the Senate basement. Perhaps he had a plan to save himself, if he had been confronted by the mob, even though that plan was probably to say, “You don’t want me. Mitt Romney is hiding in the closet over there.”
 
The mainstream media would have you believe that smearing your shit over the halls and walls of one of your country’s most iconic structures is not an act of surpassing patriotism and that spearing police officers does not show an abundance of respect for law enforcement, as long as you have a Blue Lives Matter flag attached to your deadly weapon. Luckily, we have Ron Johnson to set us straight on this matter. White people on a riotous rampage because their candidate lost the election are nothing to be afraid of because of their noble intentions, whereas black people protesting racial injustice need to be beaten and tear-gassed as soon as they assemble, because their real object is to murder elderly white people like Senator Johnson in their sleep.  
 
Antifa's are the scary enemies of America, not Q-Anonies with their Walmart tasers and their adorable little pipe bombs. Their passionate desire to make this country a place where white people can do no wrong again is as pure as the snows that blanket Wisconsin in the winter, whereas calls for racial equality are just dog-whistles for letting minorities date your daughters and sit in your hunting blinds.
 
And, believe it or not, Johnson’s acknowledgement of his own curdling racism was just the second-dumbest statement from a public figure last week. Fox brisket-brain Tucker Carlson picked a fight with all the women of the US armed forces. That’s about 200,000 lethally-trained females who would like nothing better than to bitch-slap Carlson, who had better stay out of places like Applebee’s, where these women can afford to eat, for the foreseeable future. But if he does get the mauling he deserves, I just hope it’s the biggest, blackest, most transgendered serviceperson that exists that breaks through Tucker’s security cordon and gives it to him.
 
As the philosopher Bugs Bunny would say of either of these guys, “What a maroon.”

Tucker Carlson, Fox News talking head, whose hobbies include being boycotted by advertisers and still letting his mom cut his hair, is currently getting sued by Karen McDougal for calling her an extortionist back in 2018.
 
Karen, whom you may have forgotten since she was about seven hundred Trump scandals ago, endured a relationship of some months with the Caucasian-in-Chief, after which Trump’s pals at the National Enquirer bought the rights to her story so they could bury it before the 2016 election. Unlike her fellow fattie fucker, Stormy Daniels, McDougal’s affair with Trump was neither a one-off nor a pay-off--she nurtured the mushroom more than once, and entertained thoughts of having a long-term relationship with Trump.
 
As nightmarish as this may sound, it’s McDougal’s story and she’s sticking to it, although it’s a story that was supposed to stay interred in the litter box of the National Enquirer.
 
If that doesn’t sound like extortion to you, it’s because it doesn’t sound like extortion to anybody except Tucker Carlson, who depicted our girl Karen as a cold-blooded criminal, instead of what she is—an attractive, not particularly intelligent woman who thought she’d be Barron’s step-mom someday instead of just being a girl Trump bragged about fucking to everybody he played golf with.
 
Now she’s in court, and she has a pretty good chance of losing, because Fox has hit upon the perfect defense for Carlson, which is that nobody should believe a word that drips out of his lying mouth.  No “reasonable person,” as his lawyers put it, should think of Carlson as anything more than a bloated bag of fantastic bullshit, belching out one headline-grabbing falsehood after another.  White supremacy is a hoax, women are basically stupid and need to be controlled, and Black Lives Matter is coming to take over your white neighborhood, several of the many head-scratching things our boy Tucker has said over the years, are good examples of Tucker’s complicated relationship with reality, ha, ha, ha, and Karen doesn’t deserve a dime.
 
But millions of people who are not reasonable, at least by Fox legal standards, are held in rapture by Tucker, Hannity and Ingraham ever night. They’re the people who put the ka in Fox’s ching. They’re the eighty-year-old couple in Liver Spot, Kentucky, keeping their guns loaded and their diabetes carts charged up so they can either fight or flee from them antifas when they come running down the holler. They’re the guy open-carrying an AR-15 while he picks out a Mother’s Day card at the Hallmark Store. They’re the people who think they’re being avatars of freedom by refusing to wear a mask during a pandemic. They’re the people who vote for politicians who are keen to take away their healthcare and food stamps, because they'd rather be sick and starve  than obey Sharia Law.

They’re the ones who ought to be suing Fox.
 

REPORTER: Thank you, Mr. Virus, for taking time out of your busy schedule to give us this interview.
 
CORONAVIRUS: It’s no problem, pal. All I got to do is spread, and I’m doing that while we’re chatting.
 
REPORTER: What’s it like, being a major health problem?
 
CORONAVIRUS: Well, being a virus, it’s something you prepare for your whole life, but you’re still not really ready for it when it comes. It’s like any career in show business or music—you toil for years in seedy nightclubs or valet park cars in West Hollywood until boom! Suddenly you’re center stage. In my case, of course, I prepared for my worldwide moment in a bat’s ass. That bat pooped on some Chinese guy’s head, he touched it and rubbed his eyes and wham! It’s showtime.
 
REPORTER: Did you think about staying in China?
 
CORONAVIRUS: Thought about it? Sure, I did. What, there’s like a billion and a half of them to infect? And another billion plus next door in India. But there’s an old infectious disease saying, “Go West, young virus. Go West.” I knew I was going to make it big in the USA. From the mountains, to the prairies, to the oceans bright with foam, etc. God bless America! It’s the only place to be for a rookie virus with stars in its eyes, like me!
 
REPORTER: But some of the viruses that tried to spread here previously—I’m talking SARS, MERS, Ebola—they never got a foothold here. Don’t you think you’d be better off in a country with a poorer health infrastructure?
 
CORONAVIRUS: Carpe the diem, dude. It’s true a couple of my fellow viruses died on this hill, but that was back before Trump was President. The CDC ain’t what it used to be, good buddy. We viruses may fear effective treatments and reliable vaccines, but bullshit don’t hurt us. We don’t give a crap about blither on Twitter. Putting your holy roller Vice President in charge of beating me don’t scare me none. Pray me away! Go ahead and try. I’ll just be infecting while you’re genuflecting!
 
REPORTER: You certainly seem confident that you’ll prevail.
 
CORONAVIRUS: I got Fox and all the right-wing media on my side. Any sign that I’m spreading like a California brush fire is interpreted as a criticism of Trump, so it don’t get no play on Hannity. Those old people watching him are the first ones I plan to kill off. And I’ve been to my first Trump rally! All those luscious victims in their diabetes carts! Reaching under their oxygen masks to wipe the tears from their eyes while Trump brags about how I’m under control. It’s heaven for an infectious disease on the go, like me!
 
REPORTER: Do you have people you specifically plan to infect?
 
CORONAVIRUS: Well, everybody, natch. That’s the way we pandemics roll. But, sure, you have your dream targets. Pat Robertson, Paula White—any of those people that think Jesus is going to stop me—they’d be my pleasure to get all contagious with. Hopefully, they’ll blame me on the gays with their last breath.
 
REPORTER: What about, you know, the ultimate target?
 
CORONAVIRUS: I got big dreams, bro—you might have noticed that—but not impossible dreams. In three weeks, Trump is going to have himself sealed in a bubble-boy chamber with a flat screen TV and his Twitter phone, and he’ll be running the country, such as he does, from there until I run my course. What has he ever done to make you think he was brave? Right now, I guarantee you there’s a jar of hand sanitizer in every hallway in the White House, and an armed Secret Service agent making sure you use it. Hopefully, they’re sneezing into their elbows, right? Hah!
 
REPORTER: You really seem cheerful about your prospects, but in the end, don’t you think they’ll stamp you out?
 
CORONAVIRUS: Maybe so, cuz, but I’m going to enjoy my time at the top. That’s the way we viruses are, you know. We’re all kind of one-hit wonders. Hasta! Got to hit another nursing home. And, hey—learn to wash your hands right. That’ll be especially useful when you run out of toilet paper.