Texas Attorney General Ken Paxton said recently that he would tell parents of young children killed in the Uvalde school shooting that "God has a plan."--News item
God spit out His coffee when He heard that one, and flung the rest of His banana-and-manna muffin over the edge of Heaven in disgust.
“Who the Hell said that?” He demanded.
“Huh?” said Jesus, who was watching the remains of the muffin hit off an umbrella being held by a woman waiting for a bus on a rainy day in suburban Philadelphia. “I should have put My face on that one,” He mused.
“Who said it was My plan to massacre a bunch of third graders?”
“Ummm…Wasn’t Me, for sure. I’ve got enough problems with deceased children. I’ve got all these aborted fetuses swarming me. There’s another one, Youdammit (swats away another bleating pre-born) Last thing I want is another batch of dead kids.”
“And You don’t think it was Your Mother? Another one of those gotcha gimmicks her lawyer dreams up for her?”
“Not really her style. You know who it was.”
The Alpha and Omega sighed. “He’s really getting out of hand.”
“He is one bitter Eternal Being, that’s for sure.”
“I’ve got to have a talk with Him. ‘Ghost,’ I’m going to say…”
“Stop right there. That’ll get You off on the wrong foot, for sure. You know He doesn’t want to be called that anymore.”
“Right. What are we supposed to call Him now?”
“I think He’s settled on ‘Ye.”
“YE?’ Does He know…”
“Don’t tell Him, is my advice. Or else we’re going to have another massacre. I mean, the Holy Ghost can hold a grudge for all eternity. We both know that. Let him focus on minor violence, like Billy Joe Billy shooting his toe off last night in Baregum Hollow while he was cleaning his AR-15.”
“Actually, that was Me.”
“What? I thought You were swearing off self-inflicted gunshot wounds.”
“I was, but Billy Joe Billy was starting to make his 11-year-old niece sit on his lap when he logged onto PornHub. Now Billy's worried that if he does that again, his pecker is going to be next. I was just radiating My Eternal Goodness when I did that. What are you going to do, sue Me?”
Jesus sighed. “Anyway, it was the Attorney General of Texas that said Uvalde was Your plan.”
“That prick. Him, Abbott and that Lieutenant Governor they have, Patrick…They’re like the opposite of us. The Unholy Trinity, if you get what I’m saying.”
“They have Ted Cruz, too, so that analogy doesn’t really work.”
“Before you were born, people told me that if I had a Kid, he would spend the rest of His life trying to make Me feel stupid. And they were right.”
“Come on, don’t get all pissed off. Nobody wants to deal with a plague or a tsunami today. I got that straight from the Admissions Desk.”
“I can’t just let this slide.”
“How about another heat wave for Texas?”
“Will they even notice?”
“Plus, a special disease that only afflicts air-conditioner repairmen. We’ll call it Carrierpox. That ought to get their attention.”
“Okay. Let it be so. And while you’re putting that order in, grab me another banana-manna muffin, will you?”
God spit out His coffee when He heard that one, and flung the rest of His banana-and-manna muffin over the edge of Heaven in disgust.
“Who the Hell said that?” He demanded.
“Huh?” said Jesus, who was watching the remains of the muffin hit off an umbrella being held by a woman waiting for a bus on a rainy day in suburban Philadelphia. “I should have put My face on that one,” He mused.
“Who said it was My plan to massacre a bunch of third graders?”
“Ummm…Wasn’t Me, for sure. I’ve got enough problems with deceased children. I’ve got all these aborted fetuses swarming me. There’s another one, Youdammit (swats away another bleating pre-born) Last thing I want is another batch of dead kids.”
“And You don’t think it was Your Mother? Another one of those gotcha gimmicks her lawyer dreams up for her?”
“Not really her style. You know who it was.”
The Alpha and Omega sighed. “He’s really getting out of hand.”
“He is one bitter Eternal Being, that’s for sure.”
“I’ve got to have a talk with Him. ‘Ghost,’ I’m going to say…”
“Stop right there. That’ll get You off on the wrong foot, for sure. You know He doesn’t want to be called that anymore.”
“Right. What are we supposed to call Him now?”
“I think He’s settled on ‘Ye.”
“YE?’ Does He know…”
“Don’t tell Him, is my advice. Or else we’re going to have another massacre. I mean, the Holy Ghost can hold a grudge for all eternity. We both know that. Let him focus on minor violence, like Billy Joe Billy shooting his toe off last night in Baregum Hollow while he was cleaning his AR-15.”
“Actually, that was Me.”
“What? I thought You were swearing off self-inflicted gunshot wounds.”
“I was, but Billy Joe Billy was starting to make his 11-year-old niece sit on his lap when he logged onto PornHub. Now Billy's worried that if he does that again, his pecker is going to be next. I was just radiating My Eternal Goodness when I did that. What are you going to do, sue Me?”
Jesus sighed. “Anyway, it was the Attorney General of Texas that said Uvalde was Your plan.”
“That prick. Him, Abbott and that Lieutenant Governor they have, Patrick…They’re like the opposite of us. The Unholy Trinity, if you get what I’m saying.”
“They have Ted Cruz, too, so that analogy doesn’t really work.”
“Before you were born, people told me that if I had a Kid, he would spend the rest of His life trying to make Me feel stupid. And they were right.”
“Come on, don’t get all pissed off. Nobody wants to deal with a plague or a tsunami today. I got that straight from the Admissions Desk.”
“I can’t just let this slide.”
“How about another heat wave for Texas?”
“Will they even notice?”
“Plus, a special disease that only afflicts air-conditioner repairmen. We’ll call it Carrierpox. That ought to get their attention.”
“Okay. Let it be so. And while you’re putting that order in, grab me another banana-manna muffin, will you?”
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