The Representative treated the rest of his colleagues on the New Hampshire House Fiscal Committee to a document titled "Vaccine Death Report" that linked Covid vaccines to 5G, Satan, a shadowy individual that really runs the Catholic Church on its “Luciferian” mission called the Grey Pope, and claimed that a microscopic study of the Moderna and the J&J vaccines revealed that they were “full of little tentacled creatures that seemed to be self-aware.”
Most of these revelations don’t affect me. 5G, in my understanding, is just a way of reviewing sludge on the Internet even faster than you can now, and keeping the cat videos you love on Facebook from buffering up on you right when they reach their apogee of cute.
I don’t have much to do with any color of Pope, let alone a grey one. The Catholic Church may indeed be a tool of Satan, but if that’s the case, Satan loves pudgy little altar boys with flawless white skin, because that’s who they keep finding archbishops naked with.
Those little tentacled creatures have me worried, though, for I am full of Moderna. Sometimes I think I feel them grabbing my insides, but that could be a side effect of the hot sauce I regularly load on my taquitos in such quantities that I might as well just be hitting them up with bear spray.
Otherwise, I seem to be unaffected. I don’t find myself doing stuff that's much different than what I did before I was vaccinated. I don’t drink light beer, for example, and I haven’t found myself coming out of an amnesiac spell waiting in the line at a 7-11 with a 30-pack of Busch Natural Light in each hand. I don’t eat Pop Tarts, Hot Pockets or at Applebee’s, things I expect I would be doing if I was being mind-controlled by the Grey Pope.
I email Bill Gates, asking him if he knows where I am. He always answers “Drinking again,” which is technically true, but nobody who knows me needs to put a chip in me to figure that out.
Of course, I could be whistling past the graveyard. Someday, the tentacled monsters could seize control of my will and I could find myself marching in the United Nations Army, Transgendered Restroom Division, helping to pull the plug on the US as we know it.
What makes it worse is that my Significant Other is also vaccinated. She’s a J&J woman, so she would be subject to the will of the Grey Pope as well, which would really piss her off, because she’s Jewish.
In the meantime, I work with it. The next time we have a disagreement, I plan to say to her, “You don’t mean that. That’s the little tentacled creatures in you talking.”
Might work. It also might have me sleeping in the garage before the weekend’s over.