Venting Satan checked in with me the other day. It’s been much easier dealing with the Prince of Darkness since the pandemic. He used to appear to me in person, in a burst of soot and brimstone, which meant I had to vacuum and spray Febreze around the house before my Significant Other came home.
Now we just use Zoom. I can usually summon Satan just by drawing a pentagram in Paint, but talking to the Lord of All Evil wasn’t on my mind when Lucifer opened a chat window and began complaining.
Hey, what’s up with that? I asked. You can just burst onto my screen spontaneously? I wasn’t even watching porn.
“As long as your IP address is visible. Avast and Norton keep warning you about that, but you keep ignoring it. Got a lot more hackers down here since the Covid got started. A lot more of everyone else, too.”
That’s good. I’m glad business is good.
“It presents problems. You keep adding room temperature souls to the Fiery Pit, you have to keep turning up the thermostat. My energy costs are through the roof.”
Wait…you have to pay your own heating bill?
“I made a deal with Putin to lay down a gas line here. Here’s a tip for you—never sign a contract with that prick. I keep telling him, Vlad, you’re going to end up here, and I've got every screenwriter who ever went to Hell, which is most of them, working on creative ways to roast you for all eternity. How about you give me a little discount? He just laughs and tacks on another couple euros a cubic foot. I pay it, because I’ve got souls to burn.”
So, all the anti-vaxxers—they go to eternal torment when they die of Covid?
“Oh, hell no. Not the really stupid ones. The Other Guy is stuck with them. Marjorie Taylor-Greene ain’t ever gonna darken the door of Eternal Darkness. I have standards. God doesn’t mind the dumb ones so much. ‘I created them. I forget why, though. Nowadays, I just give them a harp and tell them to sing Rock of Ages for a few thousand years. Then I shut the door on them and go back to the bar.’ That’s a direct quote, from my Eternal Nemesis.”
Been meaning to ask—is there a bar at your place?
“Only for my imps. Sorry, dude. And they spend too much time there, instead of flaying the souls of the damned like they should be. Ever since they got that union…well, we’ve talked about that before. But they’ve got a contract, and when souls show up that especially need filleting, they have to be on it.”
So, all those right-wing radio guys that told their audiences not to get vaxxed and then died of the covid themselves…
“Getting sodomized with glowing iron augers right now. And some of the smaller imps dress up as the dwarves from Snow White while we’re doing it and sing, Hi Ho, Hi Ho, It’s Up Your…”
I can fill in the blanks.
“The higher their ratings went when they spread bullshit, the deeper we go. But it’s more than just them. Everybody that sent someone a link to Robert F. Kennedy, Jr. or where to buy ivermectin online, they’re coming here, too.”
What about people like Joe Rogan, who pretend to be giving out objective information but in reality are just shitting on science?
“You’re going to love this one for Joe. Chained by hot iron links in an eternal unnatural sex position with Rush Limbaugh.”
But Rush is already there, isn’t he?
“Yeah, but Rush’s getting tired of being chained to Herman Cain. Guy’s a fucking racist, if you ask me.”
Now we just use Zoom. I can usually summon Satan just by drawing a pentagram in Paint, but talking to the Lord of All Evil wasn’t on my mind when Lucifer opened a chat window and began complaining.
Hey, what’s up with that? I asked. You can just burst onto my screen spontaneously? I wasn’t even watching porn.
“As long as your IP address is visible. Avast and Norton keep warning you about that, but you keep ignoring it. Got a lot more hackers down here since the Covid got started. A lot more of everyone else, too.”
That’s good. I’m glad business is good.
“It presents problems. You keep adding room temperature souls to the Fiery Pit, you have to keep turning up the thermostat. My energy costs are through the roof.”
Wait…you have to pay your own heating bill?
“I made a deal with Putin to lay down a gas line here. Here’s a tip for you—never sign a contract with that prick. I keep telling him, Vlad, you’re going to end up here, and I've got every screenwriter who ever went to Hell, which is most of them, working on creative ways to roast you for all eternity. How about you give me a little discount? He just laughs and tacks on another couple euros a cubic foot. I pay it, because I’ve got souls to burn.”
So, all the anti-vaxxers—they go to eternal torment when they die of Covid?
“Oh, hell no. Not the really stupid ones. The Other Guy is stuck with them. Marjorie Taylor-Greene ain’t ever gonna darken the door of Eternal Darkness. I have standards. God doesn’t mind the dumb ones so much. ‘I created them. I forget why, though. Nowadays, I just give them a harp and tell them to sing Rock of Ages for a few thousand years. Then I shut the door on them and go back to the bar.’ That’s a direct quote, from my Eternal Nemesis.”
Been meaning to ask—is there a bar at your place?
“Only for my imps. Sorry, dude. And they spend too much time there, instead of flaying the souls of the damned like they should be. Ever since they got that union…well, we’ve talked about that before. But they’ve got a contract, and when souls show up that especially need filleting, they have to be on it.”
So, all those right-wing radio guys that told their audiences not to get vaxxed and then died of the covid themselves…
“Getting sodomized with glowing iron augers right now. And some of the smaller imps dress up as the dwarves from Snow White while we’re doing it and sing, Hi Ho, Hi Ho, It’s Up Your…”
I can fill in the blanks.
“The higher their ratings went when they spread bullshit, the deeper we go. But it’s more than just them. Everybody that sent someone a link to Robert F. Kennedy, Jr. or where to buy ivermectin online, they’re coming here, too.”
What about people like Joe Rogan, who pretend to be giving out objective information but in reality are just shitting on science?
“You’re going to love this one for Joe. Chained by hot iron links in an eternal unnatural sex position with Rush Limbaugh.”
But Rush is already there, isn’t he?
“Yeah, but Rush’s getting tired of being chained to Herman Cain. Guy’s a fucking racist, if you ask me.”
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