When we look back on this moment fifty years from now, if we are not too dead to do so, we may realize that this was the moment the tide of history turned against Trump. True, although he has made many enemies at this point—nearly everyone in the government, a solid majority of the American people and most of the nations of the world outside of North Korea—he had yet to antagonize the most ruthless private interest group in the country—Philadelphia Eagles fans.
Now that he has done so, it is only a matter of time before the White House falls. Eagles fans are one of the most warlike tribes in history. If you pitted three hundred Eagles fans against the legendary three hundred Spartans that died defending Thermopylae, the Eagles fans would probably win two times out of three. This would be true even if the Eagles fans were armed only with the squirt bottles of mustard they usually use on their soft pretzels.
Trump fears “nasty women.” Eagles fans are nasty women. They are also nasty men, children and household pets. They dress in green clothing with "Eagles" emblazoned on them, from head, where they wear knitted caps that can easily be converted into weapons by doffing them and putting rocks inside, to toe, midnight green boots that they use to kick at the groins of their fallen enemies.
Put ten thousand Trump supporters, with their red hats and tough talk about guns and immigrants inside Lincoln Financial Field during an Eagles game and watch all their bravery disintegrate as they face off against the surly mass of green. Now that Trump has insulted the Birds, they wouldn’t last any longer than a group of fools wearing Giants jerseys.
Eagles fans aren’t just capable of physical assault. Their wit is legendary as well. Any combination of any variation of the word “fuck,” plus the addition of any subtle modifiers, such as “dumb,” “stupid,” “ass,” “clown,” “dirt” or “in the head,” can be tossed at their bewildered opponents. But the most devastating figure of speech Eagles fans use to crush the spirits of their opponents is a rhetorical question: “ARE YOU SOME KIND OF FUCKIN’ RETARD?” This oratorical device may be employed at will, on any occasion when an Eagles fan feels like criticizing anything about a non-fan, from his choice of socks to his decision to drink a full can of Bud Light instead of hurling it at someone wearing Cowboys gear.
Trump was planning to entertain Eagles fans who had traveled to the White House to meet their heroes to an afternoon of the Marine Corps Band playing the Star-Spangled Banner instead. Fortunately for him, no Eagles fans showed up. Only White House interns were on the lawn to watch Trump mangle the lyrics of America's patriotic songbook. That was a lucky break for Trump. Eagles fans are used to hearing the Star-Spangled Banner once. ONCE. After that, the Marines would need to play the team’s fight song, “Fly, Eagles, Fly,” about thirty-six times in a row, because that is the number of times the fans are used to hearing it during a game. If they didn't, Trump would have been better off if Marines brought a battalion instead of a band.
Trump made this call even though he should have known that nearly every American was at least a nominal Eagles fan for four hours last February, because they were sick of cheaters Bill Belichick and Tom Brady winning Super Bowls. Trump is still a Patriots fan, probably because when you get the Kremlin to help you win the Presidency, deflating a few footballs doesn't look so serious.
The mayor of Philadelphia condemned the Trump decision, calling him “a fragile egomaniac,” for his decision to deny the champions their day in the White House sun. But here the feeling is that the Mayor’s criticism fell short of the mark.
The guy’s a fuckin’ retard.
Full disclosure--the author is a Philly native.