J. Bobbitt--icon of lost penises The UNDZ underwear company of Montreal is promoting its product with this unique offer: If you buy three pairs of their underwear, you get an insurance policy that pays you $50,000 if your penis becomes detached from the rest of you.
This seems like a great deal until you look at the numbers. The company itself says that 16,000 men lose their penises each year due to accident, acts of war or willful attacks. Considering that there are 3 and a half billion penises on the planet, the odds of keeping yours for next year are 21,875 to one. Also figure that few of us would voluntarily exchange our joysticks for a mere 50 grand. This is what insurance types call "bare bones" coverage.
I'm sorry I wrote that.
On the other hand, you need to buy underwear anyway.
No insurance is offered for women. If a woman loses her penis, these sophisticated Montrealers know that it is relatively easy and low-cost for her to acquire another one.
UNDZ will provide the coverage through Lloyd's of London, which has insured famous penises before, mostly rock star trouser treasures like David Lee Roth's. Obviously, Mr. Roth, at least in his heyday, pulled out his penis with a brave frequency, exposing it to the type of young, wanton hazards that most guys only fantasize about being exposed to. His was a high risk man-stalk, and I'm sure the premiums were appropriately high.
Some people with equally adventurous zipper noodles are getting free coverage, however. UNDZ is voluntarily insuring the penises of men whose loss of manhood would be considered a loss to the world, men like Anderson Cooper, Justin Bieber and Conan O'Brien. This is for publicity purposes. Note that the company has chosen to cover the three major types of penis—gay penis, straight penis and comic penis.
The insurance is one-size-fits-all, like a condom. A guy who sits at home so much he has every one of his cable channels memorized pays the same rate as a guy who can only see his girl when her professional wrestler husband is out on tour, or a guy whose wife has a drinking problem, works as a circus knife-thrower and throws his clothes out on the patio in a jealous fit every time he so much as glances outside when their neighbor is mowing her lawn in a halter top.
This strikes me as unfair. To me. Few people are after my penis nowadays. I tell myself that's because I am shopping it around less than I used to, but it still makes me a little wistful. Also I have decades of penis safety to my credit. Shouldn't I get a lower rate than some kid who's only been using his for a few years?
The whole thing sounds like Obamacare for your penis to me. And it comes from Canada, the land of socialized medicine. What's next? An individual mandate? DEATH PANELS FOR YOUR DICK?
I'm opting out.
This seems like a great deal until you look at the numbers. The company itself says that 16,000 men lose their penises each year due to accident, acts of war or willful attacks. Considering that there are 3 and a half billion penises on the planet, the odds of keeping yours for next year are 21,875 to one. Also figure that few of us would voluntarily exchange our joysticks for a mere 50 grand. This is what insurance types call "bare bones" coverage.
I'm sorry I wrote that.
On the other hand, you need to buy underwear anyway.
No insurance is offered for women. If a woman loses her penis, these sophisticated Montrealers know that it is relatively easy and low-cost for her to acquire another one.
UNDZ will provide the coverage through Lloyd's of London, which has insured famous penises before, mostly rock star trouser treasures like David Lee Roth's. Obviously, Mr. Roth, at least in his heyday, pulled out his penis with a brave frequency, exposing it to the type of young, wanton hazards that most guys only fantasize about being exposed to. His was a high risk man-stalk, and I'm sure the premiums were appropriately high.
Some people with equally adventurous zipper noodles are getting free coverage, however. UNDZ is voluntarily insuring the penises of men whose loss of manhood would be considered a loss to the world, men like Anderson Cooper, Justin Bieber and Conan O'Brien. This is for publicity purposes. Note that the company has chosen to cover the three major types of penis—gay penis, straight penis and comic penis.
The insurance is one-size-fits-all, like a condom. A guy who sits at home so much he has every one of his cable channels memorized pays the same rate as a guy who can only see his girl when her professional wrestler husband is out on tour, or a guy whose wife has a drinking problem, works as a circus knife-thrower and throws his clothes out on the patio in a jealous fit every time he so much as glances outside when their neighbor is mowing her lawn in a halter top.
This strikes me as unfair. To me. Few people are after my penis nowadays. I tell myself that's because I am shopping it around less than I used to, but it still makes me a little wistful. Also I have decades of penis safety to my credit. Shouldn't I get a lower rate than some kid who's only been using his for a few years?
The whole thing sounds like Obamacare for your penis to me. And it comes from Canada, the land of socialized medicine. What's next? An individual mandate? DEATH PANELS FOR YOUR DICK?
I'm opting out.
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