As a consequence of this surveillance program, the British spooks have found out that people send naked images to each other over the Internet. The entire Western intelligence community has been sent reeling over this shocking discovery.
"Why do we bother protecting this perverts from jihadists in the first place?" asked one senior analyst, who declined to give his name. "We estimate that of all the Web cam feeds we secretly monitor,up to 11% consist of nude images. Roughly ten percent of the human race is wanking at any given time."
When informed by this column that that percentage seemed about right, the anonymous source snorted "They all deserve to have a truck bomb parked up their keisters, then."
"Not so fast," said another senior spy, who struck this observer as pale, slightly dehydrated and suffering so much from lack of sleep that one of his hands was visibly trembling. "It's our duty to protect all these luscious young girls and splendidly gifted male innocents from terrorist violence. The right to send images of one's intimate bodily parts over the Internet is what the Western world has come to stand for. Look at this one, for example. I can see you're thinking the same thing I am--My God, what a honey! Fortunately, our secret spy algorithms enable us to locate an IP address physically in mere seconds. I'm planning to spend the next several weeks protecting this dewy-skinned citizen from the frightening designs that Hezbollah has on lush blonde babes aching for the fulfillment only a man can give them. Got to go."
A third spymaster advocated a more evenhanded approach. "Look, we do have operatives who get queasy looking at scads of naked pics. And we have others who right away see in them great opportunities for political blackmail and extortion, because that's the way we secret agents like to roll. But we can't stop looking. If Al Qaeda found out we weren't looking at nude webcam feeds anymore, they would be free to communicate via them, maybe by scribbling terrorist plans on their naked genitals and showing them to each other, or shaving maps of the locations of future suicide bomb attacks into their back hair.
"It's all part of protecting our civilization, so when you're getting naked with your computer and someone else who's getting naked with their computer, just remember you may be getting a British government employee a little bothered and dry-mouthed as well. He or she is just doing their job. And by the way, those questionable pictures of the Queen and her corgi HAVE DEFINITELY BEEN PHOTOSHOPPED!
"And that's all you need to know about that."