Now, having al-Assad on your side in the court of world opinion is like having Stephen Hawking on your side in a game of dodgeball. It doesn't help much. Al Assad went on to characterize the Russian occupation as too gentle. "I fear for my Russian friends," the Syrian strongman was quoted as saying," Where's the sarin gas? It's never too soon to use starvation as a weapon. Where are the baby bodies, for Allah's sake?"
Nonetheless, Russia is squatting firm in Crimea despite world outcry, the loudest outcry of which comes from John McCain and other Republicans, who are not nearly as mad at the Russians as they are at Barack Obama, whose "weak" foreign policy they blame entirely for triggering the international outrage.
McCain scorned Obama's foreign policy as "feckless." A foreign policy masterminded by McCain would have deterred Putin from occupying a country that bordered on Russia and already had several Russian military bases and thousands of Russian troops on its soil, according to a spokesman for McCain's office. "If John McCain had won in 2008, Vladimir Putin would be lying under his bed crying instead of invading places," the spokesman added. "John McCain was never deluded into thinking the Cold War was over. He doesn't know where Obama got that idea."
Well, I just ran "the Cold War is over" as a search on Google and got 512 million results. Maybe there, huh?
"512 million liberal softies like Obama. Lucky for US foreign policy, McCain isn't one of them."
Actually, he was one of them. He said publically "The Cold War is over" during his Presidential campaign.
"Well, he didn't mean it fecklessly."
So he meant it feck-fully?
"Obviously. What he means now is that Putin invaded Crimea because America didn't invade Libya or Syria when they were aching to be invaded. And when Benghazi happened, and we stopped short of nuking all of Saharan Africa in response, it reeked of wimpitude. Putin, who was content up until then with merely going shirtless and anesthetizing tigers, saw that he could occupy a rock he practically owned already without the US showering him with H-bombs."
I notice none of Obama's critics are advocating the start of any kind of war with Russia now.
"That's because we dropped the ball on invading those other places first. You need to build up to invading Russia. Ask Napoleon, or Hitler. We have to get our invasion skills back. It would be easy to invade any number of places which are close by and lack substantial militaries. And it would also show Putin that we're just as good at him at kicking helpless small country ass."
What countries do you have in mind?
"Anyplace close would be nice. Save on jet fuel. Grenada—we already know the way there. The same for Panama. Mexico, or maybe just Cabo—we could claim were protecting American civilians from sunburns and hangovers. Cuba! We already have a military base there, so it would be kind of a reverse Crimea, only with way nicer beaches. Or make the grand gesture and invade Iraq again. You know they could use another invasion, if you follow the news from there, and the fact that it would be even more pointless than the last time is bound to give Putin pause."
You know, if that roster of nations was a to-do list, it would already be all checked off. Why didn't it intimidate Putin the first time we invaded them?
"The guy's just this lovable blockhead, as far as we can tell. Kind of like my boss. Or else he's just so pissed off at gays and Pussy Riot that he can't think straight. We occupy the Bahamas, it's going to sober him right up. He'll pull out of Crimea out of sheer embarrassment.
Have you really thought this out?
"Thinking stuff out is the definition of feckless, you libtard."
Author's Note: It came to my attention that the Senator from Arizona, whom the author was seriously considering voting for in 2008 until he picked Sarah "The only guy who can stop a bad guy with a nuclear weapon is a good guy with a nuclear weapon" Palin for his running mate, has also said that it is a "tragedy" that we don't have a military response available to the Russian invasion when we in fact, do. It's called, variously, Armageddon, Doomsday, The End of the Human Race as We Know It, Nuclear Holocaust, etc. Using it would mean that the next Winter Olympiad would be the first Nuclear Winter Olympiad and could conveniently be held in Jamaica. I hear they have a good bobsled team.