This despite the fact that I routinely ignore all other supermarket beggars. I do not sign petitions. The Salvation Army can ring their bells the whole holiday season with collecting a dime from me. I do not want a subscription to the newspaper, nor will I give you money to keep kids off drugs. You can hand me a free pass to your gym but don’t hold your breath waiting for me to show up. And Boy Scout popcorn sucks.
This Cookie Season will be a painful one for me, as was the last. I went on a low carb diet a year ago. Low, not nonexistent—beer is still a vital part of my weekly regimen. Despite my indulgence in a weekend coldie or several, I lost twenty-five pounds. So I stick with it, and Girl Scout Cookies are definitely not included in it.
So after I buy a couple boxes of Thin Mints for my girl and she puts them in the freezer so she won’t eat them either, and along about Labor Day we remember to give them to her daughters, I have to grit my teeth and walk past scores of little women-to-be and their watchful moms, all screeching “DO YOU WANT TO BUY SOME GIRL SCOUT COOKIES?” in unison at me. Sometimes I give them money anyway. They offer to send a box to a service person overseas if you don’t want to eat them yourself. Last year the low-carb life was new to me, and I was somewhat bitter and anxious about it. I would say “I don’t care who you give them to,” or “You girls can eat them.”
This year I am more relaxed, I believe. The service people can have my cookies. Or the Scouts can chomp those sugary Samoas and those delicious Do-Si-Do’s down themselves. Their choice.
One Girl Scout I will not be running into is Danielle Lei, of San Francisco, who perked the interest of the Internet by setting up her cookie shop outside the door of a medical marijuana dispensary andsetting records for daily sales. Someone whispered to this 11-year old sweetbread magnate that marijuana stimulates the appetite, and she took financial advantage of this physiological phenomena. I can imagine her customers pondering their purchases at her table as I type—“Dude, these are some heavy buds of Mind Glaze. Do you think four boxes of shortbreads will be enough?”
Of course, some people are aghast at this young girl being exposed to medical marijuana degenerates even though she’s making bank off of them. She will not realize how intrinsically evil they are. All she will know about them is that they are able to dress themselves and go out and buy pot and cookies, so someday, not knowing the perils of marijuana, which are mostly laughing hysterically at stoned jokes the pothead will not find remotely funny, or even remember, the next day, she may smoke marijuana herself.
Or bake it into cookies.
For the relevance of lesbians and abortionists to this topic, click here and here