Although the Girls Scouts claimed they had nothing to do with Planned Parenthood, and vice-versa, I called Bob Morris's office just to be on the safe side. The man who answered refused to be identified, but his advice was brisk and businesslike.
"How many boxes did you buy?" he asked.
They were four dollars a box, but you could get five for twenty dollars, so naturally I took advantage of the deal. What should I do?
"Burn them like they were Qurans," he said immediately.
But I like the cookies.
"Sure, and you probably like eleven-year old girls with socialist, lesbian, abortionist agendas. You're a left-wing child molester. Turn yourself in to the police, and don't call this office again unless you're serious."
But I am serious. What's wrong with my cookies?
"They're artifacts of Planned Parenthood, that's what's wrong with them. What shape are your cookies?"
"Don't you see the connection? They're round. So's the pill. So are condoms. So are Nuva-rings. So are cervical caps."
So are a lot of other cookies.
"A lot of other cookies don't contain progesterone."
Do Girl Scout Cookies have progesterone in them?
"We're investigating. And we expect to find that they do. And when we do, you know what that makes them, don't you?
"MORNING AFTER COOKIES, that's what!"
Wow. And I bought them from my boss's daughters. They're Republicans.
"It's sad that Republicans should be so misinformed. Tell your friend to take his girls out of the Girl Scouts immediately. Besides Planned Parenthood cookies, the Girl Scouts also offer a Merit Badge in self-esteem. Tell him to put his daughters in a politically correct girl organization, like the American Heritage Girls."
The American Heritage Girls? Who are they? Sounds like a collection of Colonial costumed dolls.
"They're like the Girl Scouts, only they don't have any self-esteem, like any truly patriotic American female shouldn't."
But my boss's kids like the Girl Scouts. All their friends are in the Girl Scouts. I've never heard of the American Heritage Girls, so my guess is that there are not many troops around. My boss doesn't want to drive a hundred miles for troop meetings. And his girls love selling the cookies. What kind of cookies do the American Heritage Girls sell?
"The American Heritage Girls don't sell cookies. They sell guns."