By doing so, I support both Girl Scouting and an unhealthy cholesterol level, important to both the girl youth of America and my family doctor. I am also, as I am reliably informed by John Pisciotta, the organizer of CookieCott 2014, supporting abortion, lesbianism, yoga, paganism and world peace, all of which he is against. I gave John a call at his home in Waco, Texas to get some elucidation on this. He was happy to oblige.
John, this is a hefty list of no-no's being perpetrated by pre-teen girls. Let's start with yoga. Why does CookieCott oppose people doing yoga?
"That's easy. Just ask yourself the question every good Christian should ask themselves any time they are confronted by a moral dilemma—what would Jesus do? And you'll hear the answer loud and clear inside your head—NOT YOGA! You're not a yoga-ist, are you?
No, John. If you see me with my foot in back of my head, call an ambulance, because I am having a painful accident. I'm too full of Girl Scout cookies to even touch my knees.
"What? You're actually consuming these morsels of moral relativism as we speak?"
Worked my way through a couple rows of Samoas just waiting for you to come to the phone.
"Cast them to the winds! Do you know that Girl Scout propaganda urges Scouts to explore labyrinths and dirt mazes to prepare themselves for the twists and turns of life? Labyrinths and dirt mazes are pagan symbols!"
There aren't so many labyrinths around here, John. We have corn mazes. Do they count?
"No, corn mazes are often cut out by good Christian farmers so they can make a few extra bucks encouraging you to get lost while inhaling questionable agricultural chemicals and unknown quantities of fungal spores on sunny fall afternoons. They're okay."
What about this Journeys program that encourages Girl Scouts to make peace? Are you against peace?
"No, so don't twist my words when I say yes. Peace is not something for little girls or, when they grow up, adult women, to trouble themselves with. Peace is for men to decide. Peace comes when men decide to stop bombing and shooting each other, or just plain run out of ammo. That's all little girls need to know about it."
What about the other issues? How can you say the Scouts promote lesbianism and abortion?
"They have cookies called Lesbos..."
Those are Do-si-dos, John. Believe me, I've done the research.
"Well, they had to change the name a little so they wouldn't be completely obvious. But a Girl Scout troop marched in a Gay Pride parade last year, in disobedience to Jesus' command, 'Stay thou in thy closets, oh Sodomites..."
I don't think Jesus said that in the Bible, John.
"Not in the Bible. He said it to my pastor, in a vision. That's good enough for me. And the Scouts said something nice about Wendy Davis for standing up for eleven hours for what she believes in, which is that a woman ought not to have to drive six hundred miles to get an abortion. So the Girl Scouts are for abortion."
Or they're just for girls standing up for what they believe in.
"Well, of course that's even worse."