During the Presidency of the Caucasian-in-Chief, it was widely assumed by the wisest of pundits, and also me, that Vladimir Putin was an evil genius and Trump was his gullible tool. All signs pointed to it—after putting his hacky little thumb on the scale of the election in 2016 to get Trump into the Oval Office, Putin led Trump around by Trump’s fake-tanned nose for the duration of his White House years, getting Trump to crap all over institutions Putin didn’t care for, like US intelligence services and NATO.
In their cozy little confabs, with no one else present and the translators forbidden to keep copies of what was said, we cynics always assumed that Trump was spilling state secrets and Putin was telling Trump how to really monetize running a country, a subject the Simon Bar-Sinister of the ex-Soviet Union knows well.
Now that Russia has invaded Ukraine, which, thanks to President Uncle Joe, surprised exactly no one, Russia’s murderous midget has been exposed for what he is, which is frighteningly stupid. He and Trump weren’t playing three-dimensional chess with each other—they were playing Go Fish.
They still have different styles—when Trump got rid of somebody like his Secretary of State or his Attorney General, he blistered them with ad hominem attacks—“weak,” “stupid,” “not up to the job.” If his critic was female, he usually added “ugly” or “fat.” When Putin wants to get rid of a detractor, he usually gives them a radioactive high colonic.
But now the Ukraine war has shown us their similarities. Apparently, there is a Russian My Pillow guy, someone who told Putin, “Da, the Ukrainians will welcome the Russian army with flowers, free vodka and virgins. They are tired of being ruled by a comedian and would welcome the strong embrace of a little dictator whose facial expressions are limited to smug and extra smug.”
There’s a Michael Flynn in Moscow, too. He’s the one who told Putin, “The Russian Army is the swiftest, most powerful on Earth. There is no possibility that when you give the order to invade, its first strategic thrust will be to get itself stuck in a 40-mile-long traffic jam in which all tanks are running out of gas. The Ukrainians will throw away their weapons and surrender when confronted by pimple-face teenage conscripts who weren’t even told they were going to war. There is no chance that Russia’s fighting forces will be exposed as maybe unable to defeat the combined might of Estonia and Costa Rica on the battlefield. There will be no need to hire veteran war criminals from the Middle East to try to desperately win even a single battle.”
The Sidney Powell of the Kremlin was is by Putin’s side as well. “It’s fake news those Ukrainian farmers are stealing our tanks. It’s a lie that the Ukrainians have more Stingers than a barn full of wasp nests. It’s only the lamestream media that claim that Zelensky is more popular worldwide than you like a nice bubble bath is more popular than getting acid thrown in your face.”
They were all there, sitting at one of Putin’s ridiculously long tables, when the tiny troll made the decision to invade. I wonder how he expressed it?
What’s “Release the Kraken!” in Russian?
In their cozy little confabs, with no one else present and the translators forbidden to keep copies of what was said, we cynics always assumed that Trump was spilling state secrets and Putin was telling Trump how to really monetize running a country, a subject the Simon Bar-Sinister of the ex-Soviet Union knows well.
Now that Russia has invaded Ukraine, which, thanks to President Uncle Joe, surprised exactly no one, Russia’s murderous midget has been exposed for what he is, which is frighteningly stupid. He and Trump weren’t playing three-dimensional chess with each other—they were playing Go Fish.
They still have different styles—when Trump got rid of somebody like his Secretary of State or his Attorney General, he blistered them with ad hominem attacks—“weak,” “stupid,” “not up to the job.” If his critic was female, he usually added “ugly” or “fat.” When Putin wants to get rid of a detractor, he usually gives them a radioactive high colonic.
But now the Ukraine war has shown us their similarities. Apparently, there is a Russian My Pillow guy, someone who told Putin, “Da, the Ukrainians will welcome the Russian army with flowers, free vodka and virgins. They are tired of being ruled by a comedian and would welcome the strong embrace of a little dictator whose facial expressions are limited to smug and extra smug.”
There’s a Michael Flynn in Moscow, too. He’s the one who told Putin, “The Russian Army is the swiftest, most powerful on Earth. There is no possibility that when you give the order to invade, its first strategic thrust will be to get itself stuck in a 40-mile-long traffic jam in which all tanks are running out of gas. The Ukrainians will throw away their weapons and surrender when confronted by pimple-face teenage conscripts who weren’t even told they were going to war. There is no chance that Russia’s fighting forces will be exposed as maybe unable to defeat the combined might of Estonia and Costa Rica on the battlefield. There will be no need to hire veteran war criminals from the Middle East to try to desperately win even a single battle.”
The Sidney Powell of the Kremlin was is by Putin’s side as well. “It’s fake news those Ukrainian farmers are stealing our tanks. It’s a lie that the Ukrainians have more Stingers than a barn full of wasp nests. It’s only the lamestream media that claim that Zelensky is more popular worldwide than you like a nice bubble bath is more popular than getting acid thrown in your face.”
They were all there, sitting at one of Putin’s ridiculously long tables, when the tiny troll made the decision to invade. I wonder how he expressed it?
What’s “Release the Kraken!” in Russian?
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