“The President is just plain pissed at Putin,” the source added. “It’s all they talked about in Helsinki when they had their private confab. Shot in the back of the head, beaten to death, shoved into a hole on a frozen lake, or good old-fashioned radiation poisoning—that’s all Trump asked. Even when Putin offered to let him put a golf course in Syria, the President kept coming back to the subject of whacking Mueller.
“Putin, of course, agreed—he was running out of people to murder at home, anyway—but nothing’s happened yet. ‘What is he, another Jeffie Sessions?’ the President said the other day. ‘You can’t recuse yourself from rubbing someone out.”
“We know Putin’s got plenty of radioactive material left, because Hillary sold all of our uranium to him. We seriously don’t know what’s going on. Why can’t Putin slip a fatal dose of polonium into Mueller’s tea, like he did that guy in the UK? But he doesn’t. He just keeps coming up with weak excuses, like the fact that Mueller doesn’t drink tea, and Monster, which Mueller drinks six or eight cans of a day, doesn’t conceal the taste of a deadly dose of fissile material nearly as well. Or that all his assassins called in sick. Or that it’s National Political Murder Week in Russia, and all of his hired killers are drinking vodka and eating pickled pig’s heads on the Black Sea.
“The sneaky weasel even keeps coming up with other people he’s willing to assassinate—Michael Cohen, Stormy Daniels, Omarosa, and Rachel Maddow—instead of Mueller, which just makes the President suspicious that Mueller’s got something on Putin. Trump thinks it's something really juicy, like a tape of him peeing in Pussy Riot’s underwear drawer, or footage of him having an erotic encounter with that horse he likes to ride around bare-chested, because Trump is pretty obsessed with tapes. All the rest of us don't want to tell him that Putin banged Melania in the men's room in Helsinki, and he's probably just waiting for Mueller to put the boss in chains so he can get some more of that Slovenian stuff.
“Anyway, we’re going to see if confiscating the couple billion Putin keeps in the Caymans is enough to make him get busy with offing Mueller and putting an end to the Rigged Witch Hunt. We’re hoping that Putin’s just putting off Mueller’s dirt nap so he can snuff him in a truly spectacular fashion.
“Burning him at the stake would be good.”