Many Americans reacted with pride to this event. Others reacted by saying “Who cares?” And “Who cares about air guns? I’ve got a closet full of real AR-15’s and enough ammo to last me through a double dose of Doomsdays,” but these people are not aware of the significance of Thrasher’s achievement, as they are Americans and do not know the metric system. A ten-meter air gun is a pretty unwieldy weapon, and it is quite an accomplishment for a teen girl to lift one, let alone hit anything with it.
But it is the Olympics, and it is time for us to get patriotically stoked over winning competitions in sports that we had no idea existed, and to stand shoulder-to-shoulder with sports fans from other nations and shout together our love of competition with them, while privately thinking they smell bad and dress funny.
The other big sport of the summer is election 2016, and while we have spent months detecting the character, or lack of it, in the two surviving candidates, the question of who is better qualified to be First Spouse has been examined far less exhaustively, and this past week the spotlight shone on Melania Trump, who stands to become the first FLILF* since Jackie Kennedy should her husband win the election, but not for such great reasons.
It was revealed that Melania was probably working illegally in the United States in 1995, since nude photos of her, both solitary and locked in embrace with another nude female model person, have surfaced from that year, and they were probably paid for posing for them, since in 1995 the nude selfie posted for free on Instagram had not been invented. Plus, the pictures were taken by a French photographer. Asking women to get naked was not invented by the French, but when Frenchmen do it, in their greasy, unwashed language, women seem to comply unquestioningly.
Which might be excuse enough for Melania, except that her husband has been going on about illegal immigrants taking work away from natural Americans, and there were certainly plenty of legal Americans willing to rip their clothes off and pose for the camera in 1995. Also he's mad about them raping us and being criminals besides. Now it is obvious that Melania was no rapist, just an alluring European with an overweening desire to expose all of her luscious young body to the fresh air of freedom, and get her personal parts next to another liberty-loving young woman’s, probably for cash. That’s the criminal part, because apparently Melania was here on a tourist visa.
Which meant she legally had to get naked for free, and while she probably has on numerous occasions, back then when you were photographed nude and the country gawked at your firm young flesh, you got paid for it. Nowadays you have to do it without charging, and then beg for money on GoFundMe, but it was a better world then.
So Melania is probably lying. I hear you saying “Who cares? All she has to do is keep the White House silverware clean while her husband gets laid by other women just by asking “Hey, baby, do you want to have sex with the Leader of the Free World?” or "You can touch me anywhere except the hair."
That’s true, but what else has she been lying about? Apparently having a degree in architecture, but that’s something America has never required in a First Lady. And she says she speaks five languages, but since we Americans only speak one, how can we tell for sure? Besides, she comes from a part of Europe that is so linguistically messed up that you have to know five languages just to get all the people on your block to put out their recycle bins on the same day.
But when January rolls around, we are going to have either the first First Dude, a guy who unquestionably knows his way around the White House, including the secret closets where they keep the best interns, or the first First Lady who is a professional nude person.
Great country or what?
*First Lady I’d love to have intercourse with