But no one wants to read that depressing stuff, so here’s a list of the Top Ten People Definitely Less Qualified to be President than Trump, done in Sports Illustrated Power Rankings style.
10. Bernie Madoff: 77-year-old Ponzi schemer who bilked elderly investors out of millions and is currently serving a 150-year prison sentence in New York. Sure, he caused his kid to commit suicide, and even his own family won’t visit him while he waits to die behind bars, but at least he expressed regret at his actions, something Trump has never done to anybody he’s ever shortchanged or insulted or whose privates he has ever grabbed. So maybe it’s a little neck-and-neck between Madoff and Trump. That’s why he’s only at #10.
9. JOSEPH VALLERO: Gambino crime family associate currently in the Witness Protection Program. Vallero’s testimony put several members of the Gambino organization behind bars, so he is on record as telling the truth about something at least once, which is more than Trump can say. But you can’t be President from an undisclosed location, so Vallero a nice fit at #9.
8. LANCE ARMSTRONG: Built an enormous brazen empire based on cheating even though constantly rumored to be cheating all the time, so a page right out of the Trump playbook. Has one less testicle, though. This deficiency has him slotted at #8.
7. EL CHAPO GUZMAN: The Mexican drug lord will be extradited to the United States well in front of the next primary season, and may be planning to hit the ground running, as his history of becoming a billionaire from scratch may be more inspiring to some than Trump’s getting handed a real estate empire by his dad. Has escaped from prison exactly as many times as Trump has been married. Is a guy with a Spanish surname who was born in a foreign country, so equally qualified to be President as Ted Cruz. Bound to be some “birthers” out there howling about an international murderer running for the White House, though, so putting him at #7 makes sense.
6. BARRY BONDS: Lies with a straight face as well as Kellyanne Conway, in his case about using steroids while he smashed Babe Ruth’s record for lifetime homers. That ought to sit well with Trump voters. Unfortunately for his prospects, he’s black, which won’t, leaving him dead in the water at #6.
5. MICHELLE BACHMANN: Has America forgotten this lady of unique lunacy, who once declaimed The Lion King as gay propaganda? The fact that she would start WW III just to see if Jesus’s face would appear in the mushroom clouds makes her marginally more dangerous than Trump, who would only start Armageddon if it would help his ratings. #5 with a bullet.
4. MAMA JUNE: Lost reality TV show when it was found out she was dating a child molester. Never dated Trump, who has only been accused of being a child molester. Clear advantage in Presidentialness to Trump. Nice try, Mama, but you end up at #4.
3. AARON HERNANDEZ: Former New England Patriot tight end convicted of murder. When the world is handed to you on a platter, it’s probably not smart to act out your inner thug fantasies thoroughly enough to get socked away in the Big House. Trump has never done this, although I’m sure he’s been tempted. You didn’t win or place, but you showed, Aaron. Keep it real. And keep your shivs sharp, my niggah. You’re scheduled for parole in exactly never.
2. A PERSONAL ACQUAINTANCE OF MINE WHO IS A PRIVATE CITIZEN: Can’t mention his name here, but made himself memorable to all because he had borderline personality disorder, suffered from obvious alcoholism and used steroids to boot. He once forgot where he hid $1000 in cash because he had a habit of concealing things from himself during binge-drinking episodes. Didn’t find it until two years later, when he was cleaning out his house while getting ready to move and opened a book he had somehow acquired. It was apparently the second time he had opened any book in his life, the first being when he had stashed the cash inside. We are virtually certain Trump has at least opened his own book, and are willing to give him the benefit of the doubt that it was more than twice. Otherwise, dead even. You’re at #2, bro. Congrats, and better luck in rehab this time.
AND THE NUMBER ONE PERSON LESS QUALIFIED TO BE PRESIDENT THAN TRUMP: MIKE PENCE! Where else can a moon-eyed, middlebrow Indiana boy with a passion for telling other people what they can and cannot do with their pants off put himself only a heartbeat away from the Presidency? Only in America. Ask Dan Quayle if you don’t believe us here, but unlike Quayle, who would have had to rely on Bush I’s heart (currently just now trying to give out before HW has to live to see Trump sworn in) to stop in order to claim the Oval Office, Pence will become President the moment Trump is forced from the job. Which he will be, as soon as all the Republicans he insulted on his way to the top get a few more memos from the FBI. Not only are you #1, Mike, but just stay away from Russian hookers and Alec Baldwin, and you will be America’s First Person in time for the State of the Union, 2018.