Republicans, especially America’s Orange Ex, are screeching that Hunter Biden is getting off too light for his crime binge of not paying his taxes on time and lying on an application to buy a gun.
Most members of the GOP feel that Hunter should stay in jail until he’s ready for Medicare, and that would still be too good for him. I caught up to my old pal, veteran Republican political operative Joe Redstate, to get his take on the length of sentence that Biden deserves.
How’s life been treating you, Joe?
“Busy, busy, busy. I just got off the phone with the President, Donald Trump, who asked me to be one of his attorneys. Unfortunately, I’m not a lawyer. He said he’d get back to me after he checks to see if that matters.”
Many Republicans think that Hunter Biden is getting off easy on his guilty plea to gun and tax charges. I expect you do, as well.
“Absolutely. A man who doesn’t pay taxes and lies on a gun purchase form deserves to do time.”
What about the Republican donor class? Are you sure there’s not a single billionaire Republican that hasn’t hid a million or so away from Uncle Sam?
“I’m sure, because Republican billionaires are rigidly honest. But, just in case, we’re willing to gut the IRS so they’re never found out. I mean, who deserves to be punished more—a natural American billionaire who’s smart enough to keep an offshore account, or someone who leaves his laptop at a computer repair store in Delaware because he was high on drugs? That’s the difference between an accounting error and a serious tax beef, as far as we’re concerned.”
What about the fact that hardly anyone except the President’s kid ever gets accused, let alone convicted, of the gun charge beef?
“When a Democrat gets accused, he needs to get convicted. Otherwise, it’s a two-tier justice system. And we say that out of a solemn belief in justice, not just because we're a bunch of craven asslicks with a taste for Trump's hiney.”
What about Republicans who lie on gun forms about being alcoholics or drug addicts? I’m sure there must be a few.
“First off, Biden was stupid to try and buy a gun in a state where you need fill out any form at all. Thanks to the wisdom of Republican governors and legislatures, in most Southern and Western states, all you need to do is sing two verses of any—understand me, any—country western song, and you are legally able to buy a gun. So that’s on Hunter, for living in the wrong state and/or listening to the wrong kind of music. Secondly, even if Jim Billy Bob Republican is chugging from a quart of Natural Light and asking the clerk at the gun store if the guy behind the monument selling fentanyl has good stuff, while he is filling out the form, that’s no proof of alcoholism or drug addiction. Give the man his bullets. And give Hunter Biden ten years.”
Well, it is a plea bargain, Joe. There’s supposed to be leniency. I mean, Trump could plea bargain…
“SHUT YOUR COMMUNIST MOUTH! TRUMP WILL NEVER PLEA BARGAIN! THEY’LL NEVER BE ENOUGH EVIDENCE FOR REPUBLICANS TO THINK HE’S GUILTY! Frankly, you keep talking like that, someone is liable to find a Second Amendment solution for you.”
I do worry about that, Joe. Honest, I do.
Most members of the GOP feel that Hunter should stay in jail until he’s ready for Medicare, and that would still be too good for him. I caught up to my old pal, veteran Republican political operative Joe Redstate, to get his take on the length of sentence that Biden deserves.
How’s life been treating you, Joe?
“Busy, busy, busy. I just got off the phone with the President, Donald Trump, who asked me to be one of his attorneys. Unfortunately, I’m not a lawyer. He said he’d get back to me after he checks to see if that matters.”
Many Republicans think that Hunter Biden is getting off easy on his guilty plea to gun and tax charges. I expect you do, as well.
“Absolutely. A man who doesn’t pay taxes and lies on a gun purchase form deserves to do time.”
What about the Republican donor class? Are you sure there’s not a single billionaire Republican that hasn’t hid a million or so away from Uncle Sam?
“I’m sure, because Republican billionaires are rigidly honest. But, just in case, we’re willing to gut the IRS so they’re never found out. I mean, who deserves to be punished more—a natural American billionaire who’s smart enough to keep an offshore account, or someone who leaves his laptop at a computer repair store in Delaware because he was high on drugs? That’s the difference between an accounting error and a serious tax beef, as far as we’re concerned.”
What about the fact that hardly anyone except the President’s kid ever gets accused, let alone convicted, of the gun charge beef?
“When a Democrat gets accused, he needs to get convicted. Otherwise, it’s a two-tier justice system. And we say that out of a solemn belief in justice, not just because we're a bunch of craven asslicks with a taste for Trump's hiney.”
What about Republicans who lie on gun forms about being alcoholics or drug addicts? I’m sure there must be a few.
“First off, Biden was stupid to try and buy a gun in a state where you need fill out any form at all. Thanks to the wisdom of Republican governors and legislatures, in most Southern and Western states, all you need to do is sing two verses of any—understand me, any—country western song, and you are legally able to buy a gun. So that’s on Hunter, for living in the wrong state and/or listening to the wrong kind of music. Secondly, even if Jim Billy Bob Republican is chugging from a quart of Natural Light and asking the clerk at the gun store if the guy behind the monument selling fentanyl has good stuff, while he is filling out the form, that’s no proof of alcoholism or drug addiction. Give the man his bullets. And give Hunter Biden ten years.”
Well, it is a plea bargain, Joe. There’s supposed to be leniency. I mean, Trump could plea bargain…
“SHUT YOUR COMMUNIST MOUTH! TRUMP WILL NEVER PLEA BARGAIN! THEY’LL NEVER BE ENOUGH EVIDENCE FOR REPUBLICANS TO THINK HE’S GUILTY! Frankly, you keep talking like that, someone is liable to find a Second Amendment solution for you.”
I do worry about that, Joe. Honest, I do.
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