They asked all their citizens to join together and petition God for warmth and dryness. It is not known how many Iowans, Nebraskers and South Dakotans responded by turning off their sump pumps and sending their petitions soaring aloft to Heaven, but God’s answer to their prayers was obvious, as well as swift and decisive.
He sent them a bomb cyclone. Another four feet or so of snow to melt and wash away whatever parts of those states that haven’t already disappeared downstream. Bomb cyclones, for those of you that aren’t familiar with them, as we here in San Diego certainly are not, are what we used to call, before the Weather Channel, a “big-ass blizzard.” The WC pioneered the term “bomb cyclone,” which contains the word “bomb,” which makes the storm sound more dangerous and thereby increases ratings.
Now, bomb cyclones have another purpose besides keeping us from flipping past the Weather Channel. They are God’s way of telling soggy Midwesterners to STFU, as are other disastrous weather events in other parts of the nation. As I write this, the southeast US is scheduled for another severe whomping by a band of tornadoes. As sure as Trump uses hairspray, this will result in some pious yickadoo standing in front of a camera and what’s left of his home and saying, “I’m sure God has a reason for this.”
YES, HE DOES! HE WANTS US TO STOP BOTHERING HIM! The Universe is vast, and the Guy is knee-deep in neutron stars. He is tired of all the bitching and moaning coming from one small planet.
Sure, it’s easy enough for some pie-eyed governor to proclaim a Day of Prayer, but it just annoys the crap out of Him. Does He have to reduce every church and trailer park in the country to rubble before we get the message? All He is waiting for is for some sodden South Dakotan to stand in front of the temporary tributary that used to be his ranch and say to the camera, “Y’know, maybe we ought to do something about them thar greenhouse gases,” thereby leaving Him out of it.
And Iowans, South Dakotans and Nebraskers need to get their governors to quit asking God for anything.
If I lived there, I’d pray for that.